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So my AH has been staying w/his mom and grandma for about the last month - ever since his last binge. Now over that time he has disappeared for a night or a day and used cocaine. But now all of a sudden he is going to meetings, has a sponsor and is talking recovery. Now I would love to see him get his life straight but I see this new "Recovery Thing" as a bunch of crap. I mean, geez, I have seen it and heard it all before. Granted not to this extent. He has never gone so far as to get a sponsor like he has this time. Maybe I am self centered but to me, I see this new attempt at getting clean as him grabbing at straws to save our already way beyond lost marriage.
He came over Saturday and cut my grass AGAIN. I told him I would do it myself but he said he was there visiting the kids and he might as well knock it out. Then Sunday I went to his grandma's to celebrate our son's 14th bday. Several times during the visit, he attempted flirting w/me, making comments about how good I looked, tried to steal a kiss (I always turn my cheek to him). He had to leave at 6:30 for a meeting (he had one Sat night too). All that is fine and dandy but I don't really believe he is truly doing this for himself. I think he might think that if I see him working a program, I will let him come back home. I WON'T! It is not even about that any more. Too much has happened, my feelings completely changed, my life completely turned upside down....too much to turn back and let him waltz right back in again. Even if he stayed clean for the rest of his life, I don't want him back.
It is tough dealing with him too. I mean I have to deal w/him b/c of the kids and he wants to see them. That means he comes over or I take them to his grandma's house & sit while they visit. I won't let him drive them around anywhere b/c he doesn't have auto insurance right now and his truck is about to be repo'd. I am afraid he could wreck w/them in the truck or that the truck could get towed while they were inside somewhere and have no way to get home. Or that some residue from his drugs could be floating around inside his truck and that could harm them OR JUST ABOUT ANYTHING COULD HAPPEN THAT I WOULDN'T HAVE CONTROL OVER!!! (Bit of a control freak here I know).
So anyway, he is all sticky sweet and turning on the charm and all I want to do is walk away. I am walking lightly around him b/c I don't want to say anything to him that will send him in the opposite direction if he really is working towards recovery.....but I really just want him to sign the divorce papers and know that we are truly over. Arrgg.. I cannot figure out to do this w/out royally pissing him off, w/out feeling responsible for hampering his positive attitude, w/out feeling like a complete witch. Sure, I should just tell him and remember that I am not the cause of his addictions and have no control over how he chooses to react to bad news.....but geez loueeze.....easier said than done. ya know.
QOD, I know what you mean about not letting the kids drive with him. It was months before I would let my AH have the kids while I was gone, and he lives here.
As far as the divorce papers are concerned, it sounds like you're just holding the pillow under his butt (another thread) so he won't hit bottom. Whether his recovery is sincere or an act, you can't protect him from the mess he's made.
Hang in there. You'll know when the time is right. Trust yourself.
In recovery,
__________________
~Jen~
"When you come to the edge of all you know you must believe in one of two things... there will be earth on which to stand or you will be given wings." ~Unknown
I watched a similar thing happen with my A in the last month (rather, "heard" from well meaning informers). Truth is, I am not going to continue the relationship with him no matter what either, so if he does begin working a program sincerely, I will be glad for him. It will save his life. Then I remember that Alanon is about working my program no matter what the A does.
Your skepticism reminds me of how we used to let psych patients out of seclusion or restraints (yep, a long time ago!). We would frustrate them a tiny bit, like say you can come out into the community but for ONE HOUR, then we'll reassess. If they blew up over the limits, they weren't ready to come out!
QOD, remember there's nothing, not one thing, you could say or do that will piss him off, hamper his positive attitude, or cause him to think you are a complete witch. He's just convinced you that you can :) .
If he's truly made a committment to himself and his recovery, he'll have the mental and emotional resources to cope with what life throws at him. He'll have his HP right there to give him the strength.
If he decides to use or drink again it won't be because of anything u say or do , your not the reason he drank in the first place and are NOT responsible for his sobriety or the lack of it . Only he knows if this is the time he has chosen to actually stop killing himself , but doubting him is not helping him . I also understand your * done * attitude , been there done that too . All we can do is stay positive and support thier efforts at sobriety and continue to look after yourself . Most alcoholics that I know seem to think that because they are sober , WE should be okay and don't understand why we don't trust or sometimes can't be cival. they just don't understand how much the past behavior has affected our lives . I have come to believe that they will never understand us anymore than we will ever truly understand the hold alcohol had on thier lives. I hope you are going to Al-Anon meetings for yourself with or with out him u too need to recover from the past ,he will be a part of your life for the rest of your life he is after all the father of your children . Good luck Louise
I do know what you mean. I went thru the same thing last year with selling the house and him holding me hostage with it. He also played the recovery game really well a few times but looky now... You do what you need to do and don't worry about him! That's what he's done for the past ____ years. I really enjoy just sitting back and watching now. I have seen amazing things unfold by me just doing nothing! Bad things, but my vision is clear now and I KNOW where the responsibility lies and it's not with me. That could be his excuse this time but it's still HIS choice and then you won't be his excuse anymore! What are your custody/visitation plans? Do you intend to take them to grandma's every other weekend and sit there with them? This was my problem, I don't want to keep him from the kids but on the other hand it shouldn't be my problem that he can't get his **** together and I shouldn't have to waste my precious time off babysitting him with his kids I mean good lord that's 1/2 the reason I left in the first place I didn't need another kid!!!
