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When my mother raised us (four all together) she went through some hard times like a neighbor shooting our windows out of our house, burning a trailor that we had to get out of that neighborhood, lots of other nightmare events. Eventually when I was twelve we got out but my mother turned very nasty. She used to hit me and choke me saying I was a bad teenager, she saved all my bad reports from school. No teacher ever caught on to a bad home life and THAT's why I was failing.... Back to the point....I constantly do nice things for my mother. I bought steaks and drove an hour to her house. She NEVER buys us anything, never says please or thank you and only says bad things to me. She used to tell me I was fat until I lost the weight and now she looks at me in pure disgust.She dresses like me and will go out of her way to buy clothes that I have. It's annoying. The latest was that she said someone told my Aunt that I called my kids a cuss word ( an MF ) and there is no way I would say that to my kids. I think she was just trying to get me mad. She says things like that to get me mad. I don't know why. She is not an alcoholic. She is just a nasty person. She's 73 (I think) and I don't want to look back and feel bad because I quit talking to her but she is driving me mad. I can't say anything nice about her. What would you do? I have tried talking to her, taking her to church, I've tried it all. You just can't be nice to her.
It is so difficult when our parent's are miserable. That misery seems to come out of every pore of them, and unfortunately the kids get the brunt of it. My Dad is not an A either, but he was so abusive to me and my brother as kids that we thought he hated us for the longest time. I can see now that it wasn't us he didn't like it was himself. I love my Dad a lot but I don't set myself up anymore when it comes to him. I call him when I can, I go see him when I can. I try not to beat myself up over the hurtful things he can say. The last time he really got to me was two years ago when he yelled at my toddler son for knocking over one of his plants on the back porch. I left after that because I don't my kids to remember their grandfather like that. Since that time, I have distanced myself from him as well as emotionally. There is nothing you can do or ever will do to heal her angry heart. Maybe releasing her to her HP is the only loving act you could do.
I beat myself up for years and turned myself inside out trying to make him proud of me what I realized is that my Dad's a selfish individual who has a very strange outlook on what his kids should do and not do for him. I won't fit myself into his warped little box or feel guilty when he gets upset because I didn't do something the way he wanted me to. It sucks that she can't embrace you and your wonderful gifts and be pleasant to you, but its not your fault. Your life regardless is a gift. My Dad used to say he brought me into this world he can take me out. I used to believe him!! No I see that he wanted to gain power and control over me to get me to do things the way he wanted. Hmmm... guess where I learned that from. Sounds like your mom admires you, but doesn't know how to express that to you.
Just my thoughts, hope some of it helps. Peace to you, Twinmom~
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"The people who don't mind matter and the people who mind, don't matter". (Dr. Seuss)
Wow what a miserable woman. I've shared Idk how many times here that my favorite book is "Toxic Parents." I re read it recently, and what your mom is doing reminds me of the part that discusses "Don't be better than me--you're only my child." It discusses how, somehow, these individuals feel that the world has genuinely "forgotten to acknowledge them" as a worthwile human being and the only way they can be acknowledge is by their children (major dysfunction #1--not our jobs as their kids, nor as any other individual). When children do not do this, the parent becomes competitive with the parent (major dysfunction #2--kids cannot inherently compete with their parents; kids naturally challenge parental ways of thinking and living to define who they are and what they believe in as a way of creating identities of themselves SEPERATE from their parents). The parent is "challenging the child" to fufill their needs (see major dysfunction #1) that the parent will not fufill on their own accord. Now, for your solution. You're a smart girl. You're right. She's jerking your chain. You can be direct without being abrasive. She won't be the ideal grandma? Ok. Learn, over time, to not expect it from her. She won't use the basics of Emily Post? Ok. Learn to let her find out what happens when people are rude--we cashiers have our own magical powers ("Oh I'm sorry? It's bonus cupon day...?") And you can respond with direct confrontation without being hateful, cruel, or abusive--remember, birds of a feather flock together, and at a certain point, you chose to fly with the al anon flock, not with the alcholism flock. You can say, directly, "Well, mom, I don't blame that cashier for not giving you the double bonus coupon considering how you talked to her. I wouldn't have either." Period, end of subject. She tries to martyr herself? "Mom, the subject is closed. The cashier didn't give you the double bonus coupon because you were rude and abrasive to her. She used her power as a cashier to cost you money. End of subject." Use that backbone you got girlie. Not that wishbone. There's a reason beggars don't ride. ;)
"There is nowt as queer as folk".....(queer as in weird..lol)
How do you deal with the alcoholic...When they try to push your buttons??? Use the same tools with your mother.
Older people can become nasty for all different reasons. I would also NOT let this become a HUGE deal for you.....You know the programme, you know how to deal with this...As far as her telling your kids things....Well as long as you know the truth, thats all that matters...Your kids know you
Thank you for replying. Tiger, I have responded like that to my mother almost EVERY time we are together and she gets in her van and leaves and it lets my kids down. They ask "where is grandma" and I say "she got mad again and left" and I hate that because that's what their dad did, or their dad would say he's coming home and never came. I guess I expect their grandma to not let them down. It's like her head is made out of rock, she really doesn't get that she's rude and out of place. Not only to me but everyone around her. Ally, I can kick my alcoholic out and not bother with him..that's easy. But when it's your mother you can't really do that. know what I mean? She's aggrevated everyone in our family to the point that they don't talk to her. I feel like I am all she has left to talk to or she would wither away. I hate standing up to my mother because I feel I shouldn't have to. Some things (almost all) she says should NOT be said. She still says the N word when referring to people of color. She says "well, your kids are going to hear it sooner or later". I said "you're their grandparent and should be up on a higher level then "most" peole. I'm going to find that book cause I can not tolerate her ways anymore. I've done it all my life and my children deserve better. :)
You said in your post that "I feel like I am all she has left to talk to or she would wither away."
I learned in Alanon that the other person owns it, not me. To keep that burden on my shoulders, that, should I stop talking to (whomever), they would just die (or wither, whatever), is just toooo much of a burden to have to walk around with every day. No wonder you are wearing thin, you are taking on the responsibility for others. I know it's hard to do, but ya gotta just let go of that notion that she's nothing without you. Sure, she may SAY that you are all she has (I know she's not an A, but she sure has the behavior of one!). But remember, it's a guilt trip just to get you to feel bad and to keep you as her whipping post.
I agree, you shouldn't have to stand up against your mother, but it is what it is. Do what you have to do before you totally lose it.
She sounds jealous of you. Misery loves company and you're probably the closest company she can bring down to her level of misery. She may NEVER be the mother you needed or wanted, but you can give yourself the things she isn't capable of giving.
kind of sounds like my mom. she is not an A. but just a negative, critical,sarcastic person. if i buy something and show her she'll say something like "must be nice to have that kind of money" or "i wouldn't have paid that for it" or "yuck, why did you get it in blue?" she likes to bitch about everything just to hear herself bitch (my poor father!) i don't take much of it to heart. it's just her way. i know she loves her family very much and will do anything for them. infact our entire extended family goes to her house every thursday at 5p.m. for dinner. we are always there all 20 of us. and she always is negative or grumbling about something. even grandkids say, "oh that's just gram!" rarely do we confront her or argue. i think it may be a respect for your elders thing. we just go with the flow and are greatful she is alive.
I don't talk to my dad. He's not even really mean to me, just nuts! I get tired of going round about "my people" etc. so I finally just quit talking to him. I sent him a letter telling him how I felt and that I hoped he chose to get on medications for his bipolar. It was obvious he wasn't going to so I just quit talking to him. He never really seemed to care much anyway, I don't even think he knows how many kids I have. We visited, I sent pictures, finally I realized he was a black hole and I quit throwing my time and energy into it.
I need to distance myself from her again all together. I was much happier. My heroin addict brother has moved back in with her as of today so she will ride him instead of me. She's horrible with him. I'm surprised he hasn't killed her yet. He's 50 and drinks and does drugs. She uses him because he will work and give her his whole paycheck. She follows him around like a puppy and bitches about everything he does. She bosses him like he was two years old. She dictates what he can and can not do. She has this "I want to be a cop" attitude and she controls him like an imate. She was a corrections officer back in the day for about two months and now she's a tough guy...yea right. SHE'S OLD!! She even put a K9 sticker on the back of her van....she doesn't drive with her dog in the car who is a mutt anyway!. She leaves the poor dog on her hot 10 by 10 patio to roast in the heat. I feel so bad for it. ok ok ok I'm not going to call her and not answer when she calls me. That will have to do for now.
I was lucky in that my mother was the most wonderful person in my life, but when I think of HER mother, I can really relate to what you're saying. I loved her, but I didn't like many of the things she did. It was basically her way or no way. I remember watching her grown children (my mother and her sibs) interact with her. It was interesting - they called their father "Daddy", and called her "Mother" - she was the enforcer. I've let go of the anger I felt toward her because of how she treated my mother (long story), but I read your post and one thing became so clear to me - maybe because of her mother's insensitivity and negativity, my mother was the exact opposite. When I read about your concern for your children's feelings, it makes me realize that you have done the same thing - taken her critical and demanding personality and made a conscious, ongoing effort to NOT let the 'sins of the fathers' (or 'mothers', in this case) continue to poison future generations. Your children will realize, as they get older, what an effort it takes to be a good role model as a mother when you never had one yourself. Damn, I give you a lot of credit!
Take care, many hugs, Marion
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Vocatus atque non vocatus, Deus aderit ("Bidden or not bidden, God is present") - Erasmus
mhgal, Makes sense. Maybe (god I hope) that I am going the opposite direction then her. Sometimes I try to be too "perfect" for my kids but then I usually catch myself and stop. Such as, buying them everything they want (to a point) and taking them every place under the sun. I'm with them 100% of the time and over protective. I really really hope they have that much respect for me. I always said that respect is earned not given freely and I have tried to do that with my children. I give them my respect until they abuse it and so far they have respected me. I just want them to grow up with a positive attitude, to not see color in people, to not live and think that there is that much hate in the world, to remember that there are people out there to help if they ever need it, to give more then you've got to others. I feel I have alot of work on my hands but I believe if I instill it young in them that they have a chance. There are so many wonderful things in life and I hope that's what they keep their eye on and not be like my mother who can only see doom and gloom in every waking breath. I really appreciate your response. Thank you from the bottom of my heart. :) xoxo
(queer as in weird..lol)
