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My sil was released from rehab yesterday, ten days early. My AH has been on the phone with his family a lot over the past 3-weeks analyzing her situation to the nth degree. AH's mother is an alcoholic and their is a strong argument that his father is as well.
AH and his parents talk non-stop about the things sil's husband is doing wrong. "He is controlling, overprotective, stifling her, angry, resentful,etc." They have all the compassion in the world for her, who drove drunk and got lost with her 18 mo old daughter in the car, passed out leaving 18 mo old wandering around the house unsupervised, let car almost get repo'd, I could go on and on.
I have tried to explain that sil's husband needs al anon, that his behavior is a response to her behavior, that they may have problems above and beyond the alcohol, that they need to work out their relationship and we have no control over their household.
They seem to listen and hear me when I speak, but if I don't constantly remind them (which I don't because I want no part of this), they jump right back on the anti-husband attack. I know they are listening to sil in her denial blame him for everything that is wrong with her.
My real problem is hearing my ah say all of these things and wonder what he is thinking about me. It is an example of his lack of growth, lack of responsibility, increase in denial. Whenever I try to defend myself or sil's husb, we end up in a fight. Now I just stay out of it.
Any ESH? I haven't been going to f2f meetings, but I am starting back tomorrow night. I am also going to completely detach and just leave the room when he talks to his parents.
"What others think about me, is none of my business"(that means stuff what your husband thinks, let him ask you)...
Also...Stand inside a Hula Hoop, whats inside that hoop, only you can control, have power over. Whats outside that hoop you have "NO" Control over, People, places and things...
Try and remove yourself from all situations like that. Family has their own troubles, arguments, etc...When It comes down to it, most of the time, the fault will stop at you. You will get blamed for interfering in their lives....
Every one gets to Al-anon when the time is right for them.. When they have had enough of the same old, same old, they will "Choose" to do something about it.
My experience for you would be..Work on YOUR programme. Get to f2f meetings, read your literature, find a sponsor (if you dont have one). As you work this programme, things become more simple for you...BIG worries turn into small worries.....And "Yes" we learn to "detach" and "let go" of other people.. Hand it over to your HP, let him take the pressure away from you..
I would detach from the whole situation as well! I know for me I always felt resentful that I put up with all A's crap and he never had to take an ounce of crap from me. I guess that could be applied here in that they have NO IDEA what it's like to live with themselves! I guess I'd be a little irked and be thinking (to myself) if he's doing all this wrong maybe she should go live with them! Just in the back of my mind... But I have been known to amuse myself with my own private thoughts at times.
I agree that detaching with love in this situation would be the healthiest thing you could do for you. Sounds like the other family members are A's as well and they could pass this blame game back and forth for a long time. My A's family has difficulty facing reality as well. They talk badly about each other when the other person isn't around and hold grudges towards each other. When I see them I try to just be pleasant and try and limit the amount of contact I have with them. If they want to share with me something about one of the other family members I just listen, but don't have much of a response back. Eventually your SIL's husband will come to his own conclusions about what he needs to do, but until then he'll have to figure it out on his own. Sometimes the frustrating part for me was that my AH had lots of advice to give family and friends but wouldn't accept his own advice. I'm glad that has changed for him now and he is taking his own advice and getting honest about his addiction. Hope some of this helps.
Peace, Twinmom~
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"The people who don't mind matter and the people who mind, don't matter". (Dr. Seuss)
How bout inviting the BIL to go with you to that meeting with you? You can surely put the offer out there to him. If he doesn't live close you could ask for a Newcomer's Package at your meeting and get the literature to him.
As far as everyone else.. the "Museum Gaze" is beneficial. That's when you see or hear people acting crazily and you detach by pretending you are in a museum observing them through glass. You just can't fix crazy.
Christy
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If we think that miracles are normal, we will expect them. And expecting a miracle is the surest way to get one.
two great ideas in one paragraph I am going back to prog tomorrow nite and I am going to leave the room when he speaks with his parents . way to go girl . today u have choices always remember that and to keep it simple try doing the oposite to what u would have done in the past . When u want to react , don't . When u usualy stay quiet , speak up . Just do the oposite you will get the results u want . YOu will feel better. As for the husb of sil , give him the twenty questions pamphlet . If that dosen't open his eyes nothing will . And maybe the next time u want to try and convince bil that he needs al anon . ask yourself * did he ask * good luck Louise
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