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My name is roger, and i'm an alcoholic. I'm 22 years old, and have been sober since April 29, 2005. thats a miracle. I came to these forums because i need help. My girlfriend is also an alcoholic. She is 33, and can;t seem to 'get it'. Before we met, she had 5 years sober. When we started dating i had a year, and she had around 3 months. I just dont understand why she can't get the deal. We love eachother very much, but she keeps choosing drugs and alcohol over me. It has happened 5 times before this last time. And every time io thought "She's got it this time". But that was never the case. This last time has been especially painfull for me. After going out for a month or so, she started hitting a 'bottom'. Car repo'd, lost jobs, the works! Me, being a helpful person, really wanted to be there for her in her darkest hour. I have her money for rent, money for a car, i moved her into a new place, i was always there. And after the big move, she no-shows on me and dissappears for the night. That means one thing. Drugs. WHY?!?!?!? Why, out of nowhere, does she just throw it all away!?!? And the sick part of it is, i want to go back to her, and help her again!!! I love this girl... I dont really know what else to say, this is my first experience with alanon. I'm just very sad. It hurts me that she wants to destroy herself, rather than grow in a relationship with me...
Welcome to MIP. Something all of who love addicts must come to terms with is the 3 c's: You didn't cause it, you can't change it, and you can't cure it. We all spend a great deal of time trying to figure out what we can do to get them to "see the light," or what we may have done wrong to keep them in their addiction. The sad reality is that the one keeping them there is themselves. There are things we can do to help them have to face the reality of their situation, primarily letting them face their own consequences. I know it is easier said than done to watch someone go down the drain, but the sooner they hit their own bottom, the sooner they may get sober. The more we intervene and soften the blows, the longer it takes for them to get there.
I am sure others will be along soon with more ESH (experience, strength and hope). Keep coming back, there is serenity to be found! Babysteps
Welcome to MIP..... Well, we could all ask that question...Do we all enjoy pain? Why do we keep going back for more.
As you are an Alcoholic you will understand your girlfriend better than anyone in Al-anon. Congrats on your soberiety!!! You got to AA for you..We come to Al-Anon for US..Not the Alcoholics in our lives...
I'm glad you have come here as you will benefit from the Al-anon programme. Your girlfriend is not ready to stop drinking yet, she doesnt want to, as you know an Alcoholic needs to hit a rock bottom, and no-one can make that happen any quicker for them. YOUR soberiety comes first. Then when you are working on you, with the help of Al-anon if you wish, you are in a much better place, to cope with the situation... I know loving an alcoholic is one of the hardest things in the world.
We come here to Al-anon, it's very similar to AA. Our desire is to get "Healthy"...To be "Happy, Joyous & Free".....You will know all this already...
Just be there for your girlfriend, love and support her, never force her to go for treatment because she will only resent you for it. She needs to be ready for her..
I "Hope" you will keep coming back to us.. We have men on the board you can talk to also. And we have a chatroom, which is very beneficial. Come and join us, you will be made very welcome...
Remember for "YOU" "Easy Does It" & "One Day At A Time"... And for "Her", she has her "HP" also.....
As an alcoholic yourself, you must understand why she does what she does. On some level at least. She drinks...that's what alcoholics do. My own A, after 25 years of sobriety, now binges every few months. Takes three days, nearly kills himself with drink, then is sober as the proverbial judge until the next "gentleman's vacation."
Again...as an alcoholic, you should recognize that enabling her is not helping her. Allow her to take care of her own affairs. I know it is difficult to watch someone you love with all your heart fall, but sometimes that is what it takes before they "get it."
All best wishes to you. Come back often and get yourself to f2f AlAnon meetings. It is time to help YOU!!
Diva
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"Speak your truth quietly and clearly..." Desiderata
Hi Roger, welcome.. WHY?!?!?!? Why, out of nowhere, does she just throw it all away!?!?
In my eyes that's a pretty easy answer. You solved all her problems for her. Since she no longer had any worries, she was free to feed her addiction, celebrate even.
I hate to "should" on anyone...but as an alcoholic you have to know it's not about you and never was. When you drank did you ever stop because someone wanted you to? Did anyone make you stop? Did anyone that ever tried to save you succeed? Or ultimately was it you that made the final decision to get right?
As far as helping her further...If you do what you've always done, you'll get what you've always gotten. No one ever hit their bottom while someone is rushing in placing a pillow under their butt. We think we are helping but we are just enabling the drinking and prolonging the fall. Allow her the dignity to help herself by putting her own life in order. You can't do it for her, you aren't that powerful.
Christy
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If we think that miracles are normal, we will expect them. And expecting a miracle is the surest way to get one.
Hi Roger. You are trying to do what I did to one of my friends. I lost 30 lbs and my friend wanted to lose the weight too. I figured if I could do it that she could do it too. I called her, I emailed her, I even went shopping with her and wrote her out a plan. She had the intentions but just couldn't do it. It's not really that she couldn't but she really deep down didn't want to. It's much easier to eat and get instant gratification. Like your girlfriend. Nothing you do or say will stop her. Your heart is in the right place but no matter what you do she is going to do whatever she wants. You can't quit getting hurt when you want to. I hate to talk about age but you ARE young and there are sooooo many woman who would love a guy who has a caring heart and now self control. You can not be her savior Roger :( I would hate for you to be like me and some 8 years later STILL be looking for a different out come in one person. Please keep coming here. I'm sorry you have to go through this. If it were me I would give her my blessing and wish her well and find someone who returned my love and affection that does not have an addiction. But that's just me ;) Good luck. (((HUGS)))
Well, she contacted me today and its not good. She informed me that she plans to revert back to stripping to support her drug use. After hearing that, i replied, "if you are going to do that, i dont want anything to do with you" and i mean it. She owes me money, nut i dont want it if it's made from stripping and god knows what else.... i cried alot today, but i also stuck close with my support system. Im alive, sober, and going on a job interview!
Yes, she did TRY to go stripping.... it only yeilded her 4 dollars, and a lifetime of humiliation. I went to check on her at her house, and she told me that she was getting sober (yet again) and going to try once more. I want to believe her soo badly, and i want to take her to meetings every day, and i want to call her all the time. but i cant. I have learned, through my program, that i need to let her do it on her own. I am trying to practice "loving from a distance". It's hard. But when i get in a funk, i call another alcoholic. That helps.
I want her to instantly wake up and be done. I want everything to be normal again. I know thats not going to happen, so i ask god to take away my fears and make me into who he wants me to be.
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