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Lately, I have just been drawn to movies that have an underlying current of... an insurmountable strugle to survive.
I just realized tonight that I am seeking them out, and even if it's the same one over and over... I just can't change the channel.
Many of us are in the midst of the struggle of our lives, and the same applies to our spouses and kids who struggle with this disease. I often feel that I am having to step aside from common trust, and even have to be quitely rude in order to avoid chaos. It is like crisis managment in the face of mortal danger.
My wife said to me that "this is not fair to me..." and it doesn't really even matter what she was referring to... the only answer I could give was "life is not fair".
At times in my life... that would have been an appropriate answer that I have never given anyone. Explanations of what I think... reasons why this or that might be a better way to look at it... you know "look at the bright side".... That is my normal mode to slip into. I am comfortable there.
But, things are different now.
No idea where I am going with this other than to say that even after almost a year of seperation... it is still tough, and painful but my survival requres it.
I can't survive and go back to those ways. I have to remember that...
Saying it outloud to drill it into my head helps... stay the course!
Take care of you!
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"Good judgement comes from experience... experience comes from bad judgement" - unknown
Rtexas, during the last few months of "struggling to survive" with my A still in the home, I ordered all these Netflix movies like Independence Day, War of the Worlds, On the Beach, and watched them over and over. The "cheesey" factor wasn't important, it was the struggle and the triumph (or not). I never thought about this until I read your post!
I thought the struggle would be over when the A was finally out of the house. Well, I was wrong :) . I don't have to directly engage with him as you do your A . . . I can imagine the term "survival" here. And they are so, so persistent, it's no wonder we end up looking outside ourselves for confirmation of our own sanity. Or in movies, novels . . .
We just feel our way along, but thank God we don't have to do it alone, and we never have to go back if we don't want to.
In the last year or so I have really been drawn back to Louis L'Amour novels. The common theme that comes to mind is survival with integrity. Some I have read several times. Doesn't seem to matter.
I, too, have had the "life is not fair" talk. Another one, though is the "life doesn't always suck" talk. We can really get bogged down in this disease. Helps to remind ourselves that there are nice moments, too. If I have a bad reaction to the latter, it's a red flag that I'm wallowing in self pity again. That always irritates me enough to get out and do something positive.
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~Jen~
"When you come to the edge of all you know you must believe in one of two things... there will be earth on which to stand or you will be given wings." ~Unknown
I tend to read biographies when I need strength. There is a particular one that reminds me when I swear I'm not going to be able to survive, I read her book. I guess it reminds me that I can overcome hurdles. They did it, so why can't I?
Love and blessings to you and your family.
Live strong, Karilynn & Pipers Kitty
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It's your life. Take no prisoners. You will have it your way.
Thanks for posting..."Survival" that is what im trying to do in my life today... I am also, "detaching and trying to "let go" of the recovering A in my life. I'm doing okay, have stopped contact, no communications. For the most part it's getting easier, but then, I get a thought, or a feeling and I can go way back to: I need to call him, I need to see him, Is he okay, Is he hurting too..
WOW. what that can do to us mentally is not real... For my survival today. So what If he is hurting, what if he's not ok, no i dont have to call him, no i cant see him. This is the hardest thing for me to do..
If i want to survive and NOT be pulled back into the "Merry-go-round" of Alcoholism I have to put me first. (phew) I admitted it..lol
When I need to be reminded of survival I just put on a "Rocky" movie..Works every time...lol
Now in recovery my husband and I are trying to rebuild a life together that spans 27 years of baggage, I don't descuss my feelings about regret, I have many, I am finding it hard to enjoy our day's fully doing thing's I alway's dreamed of us doing together, I feel a huge sence of loss for all the waisted years, and I feel guilty for doing so, but it's how I feel inside, I can't help feeling the if onlies, at time's I'm over whealmed by the realisation of our situation, I think I do easily fall back into victim mode, although I am very much a survivor, and I want to look forward not back. I guess I think deep down, why couldn't you have done this all those years ago, maybe it's just another stage of recovery, I also feel an anger towards myself because I took so long to get it. But even though I think I do get it now, I struggle to make sence some day's, I don't think I'm cured yet, I doubt I ever will be, just wanted to let you know, your not alone in your thoughts.
Movies definitely heal. I have been watching romantic comedies where it turns out there is hope for love after all. Hmmmm I don't feel that way yet, maybe I need to watch some more.
Lately myself I have been looking at books, movies, and even historians who have struggled to survive and came out victorious. I always stop and think now was it their own power and will to survive, maybe, but I think they had a little help. This tends to draw me closer to HP and helps to be thankful. 1. that I don't have those struggles and 2. Thankful for the struggles I do have that keep me going.
There comes a time when there is nothing left to say to someone after you have attempted to explain something over and over again. Life isn't fair, and that would be true. We do make our lives what we want it, but lots of times it never turns out the way we expect.
Keep staying on course and taking care of yourself.
Peace, Twinmom~
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"The people who don't mind matter and the people who mind, don't matter". (Dr. Seuss)
I figured out over the last year that I use books to "Escape" the chaos. I would stick my nose in a book and become so engrossed in it that nothing else going on in my life really even mattered during that moment of reading. I would pause long enough to tend to the kids (meals, snacks, drinks or put in a new movie) or house chores and then jump right back into the book. I even read at work, in the car at stop lights, on my lunch break. I did it w/Lord of the Rings, Harry Potter, Eragon, The Eldest and so many more. All of which involve the good battling the evil and conquering in the end w/many things lost in the process. Amazing isn't it.
Amen to that rtexas. One of my posts says about the same thing about how I can not forget where I came from. I too find myself be oddly quiet as to not start a confrontation with anyone because I'm afraid of what is inside of me bottled up. hahaha That and I don't want to upset my children. It's easier to stay quiet then to get all roared up. You're doing a good job.
For some reason, the phrase "life is not fair" makes me crazy, but the only slightly different "this situation isn't about being fair" helps me. I first ran into it in a quote from a radio psych who was responding to a boy who was going on about how differently he and his stepbrother were treated - the stepbrother having half of his days with a different parent, and separate (extra) allowance, etc.
It's not fair! Said the boy, and by golly, he was right.
What I loved was the that the psych didn't argue that point at all. Instead, she agreed. Nothing about this is fai, she said- families splitting up, living in different places, what's fair about that?
Since then, I've found it helps me to acknowledge that some things are just not fair. I think it comes under the heading of validating my feelings.
The flip side is that some things aren't fair for others. I've found that "you're right, nothing about this situation is fair" helps me to acknowledge where they are, without losing sight of where I am (also in an unfair place), and without getting sucked into the illusion and trap of thinking that it's my responsibility to make one piece of a situation fair, when in reality the entire situation is so far from having anything to do with fairness that they could be on different planets.
Hm. Re-reading this, I'm not sure it even makes sense, but for what it's worth - here it is.
Thinks, Your post makes sense to me. I guess I just feel differently about the whole issue of fairness. When I was growing up, my b was always crying unfair. "he has more this" "she gets to do that" He was really extreme about it because my mom catered to it and he learned how to use it to get what he wanted. M always tried to make everything absolutely fair and equal. You know what I learned? Its not possible! Doesn't ever happen. Someone always has more or better than us, but someone always has less, too. Life is a lot of things, but fair is definately not one of them. Just my opinion. Think I'll go hang with Louis some more.
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~Jen~
"When you come to the edge of all you know you must believe in one of two things... there will be earth on which to stand or you will be given wings." ~Unknown
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