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My A boyfriend got back from rehab a few days ago, and for the past two nights has been drinking after I went to bed. We live together, so I'm finding that complicates this situation alot. I found that I was really strong and peaceful while he was gone but it's much harder to put things into practice when he's home and active again! Last night I lost it and got out of bed to ask him if he was drinking. I tried so hard to lay there and tell myself that one way or another I can't stop him from drinking and can't let it overwhelm me that way. I guess am not strong enough yet to let go of my urge to find out what hes doing. Of course he said that he would pour out the alcohol after last night and wouldn't do it anymore..I know that's his intention but without going to meetings its not likely.
I had been thinking about what I would do if he started drinking again, and how I would react. Last night I told him that if he started using again like before that I didn't think we should live together. I tried to explain it in a way that wasn't threatening, but just honest about where I'm at. I am starting a new job, and have many things to think about and I know myself right now- living with him drinking all the time is just not what I need. I feel like I become something else- not even me- when faced with his drinking. Normally I feel strong but when he drinks I feel weak, scared, and completely out of control, not a good feeling. I don't want to stress him out anymore in his early recovery-or attempt at recovery- but at the same time I want him to be prepared for my boundaries and that he might need to find another place to live if he chooses to drink. Is this ok? How do you set boundaries without being "mean" or having it seem like a threat?
I feel better today but last night when I panicked about his drinking I realized how far I have to go before I can be as strong as alot of you
You're okay. Hope the follow thru is as good. My follow thru stunk until I had time in this program. It's the follow thru that counted for me otherwise I was just gabbing and she knew it had no force. I would have liked to think it out then like you have thought it out here. I would have like to said it different then also including keeping the focus of what I needed to do to save my own butt. I didn't then and gratefully do it now. Great share!!
Of course its ok. I have come to realize that boundaries are very necessary in his recovery and mine. It is easy for us all to get complacent even after sobriety starts to stick. Then old habits and ways of thinking don't get changed.
Just try to remember that you cannot make him drink. It's not your responsibility to protect him from the urge. You couldn't even if you wanted to.
You are not being mean. In a way you are being good to him and yourself to stand up now and set limits on your interactions with each other.
I try to be understanding, enforcing my limits kindly, but firmly. I do not back down on certain things, and he knows it. Also my AH has come to rely on it to advance his recovery. I used to think that he was using me, but recently came to believe that this is actually what a truely normal, healthy, give and take is all about.
So I set limits I know I can enforce, and I do not feel guilty any more.
((((hugs))))
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~Jen~
"When you come to the edge of all you know you must believe in one of two things... there will be earth on which to stand or you will be given wings." ~Unknown
Hey Summer, you are putting a lot of work into yourself and doing a great job in a difficult situation.
If I'm wrong here, please speak up :D but NOT A ONE of us "breezed through" setting boundaries or "handled" our emotions with our A's effortlessly without lots of practise. You are doing some hard work, and doing it well, it's not meant to feel wonderful at least right now. Every time you make a healthy choice, it's like dropping a $20 or a $50 in your savings account . . . small gains add up.
I really disliked who I was around my A too, before I was able to use the tools. I was bitter and cynical, to myself and him, negative about most things, and just plain scared all the time. Not of anything in particular, just felt like things were sliding into chaos and I couldn't stop it. My A would tell me I was so awful to be around he NEEDED to disappear and binge to get away from me :D and tho I couldn't have made him use, I'm sure I was no picnic. I like how I am usually friendly, polite, and easy to be around. I'm sure I was not for him.
Beneath all that negativity, you can imagine how I felt all the time. Ugh. THAT'S what I needed to change. And as long as I was with him (he never stopped using, started getting violent and scary) I had to work HARD to use the tools and to make a spot or two of peace for myself. It's hard work. But so worth it. It never made a dent in my A's denial, but it made my life bearable and even good.
When your A is drunk, dont' hold out great hopes of making decisions with him, or laying boundaries WITH him. Make decisions and boundaries yourself, you do not need to OK any of them with him. The boundaries are for you. This is just another part of being powerless over the alcoholic, something to accept and move on from. But you CAN make your life better no matter what he's doing.
If you choose to be the one that stays (and he leaves, if it comes to that), be ready for a little more work on your part. I chose to stay and have my A leave. He refused, over and over. He told me this was his house too (it is), and he could do whatever he wanted. Well, that was true too :) . So I had to keep my own part super tight, work with the Alanon tools by the minute sometimes, and just wait for the inevitable. He finally got busted for drugs and went to jail, and hasn't been able to come back since. Just know this if you make this choice.
I agree with Kim. Your boundaries are your boundaries. You have a right to decide how you want to live, what is acceptable in your life.
Also, I doubt you could stress him out more than this disease will. Clear and enforcible boundaries can be a rock solid "port in the storm" for him and you. He can always know what to expect and that can give you both a sense of continuity and stability. Remember, they are like children (for a while anyway) emotionally, as their emotional and spiritual development has been arrested by the disease.
I was surprised when my AH responded well to these clear limits on his behavior.
Of course they have to be serious about making progress, and even then they will have good days and bad.
You are doing great. Just do what you have to do for you. He'll either come along or not. That's not up to you. It's up to him.
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~Jen~
"When you come to the edge of all you know you must believe in one of two things... there will be earth on which to stand or you will be given wings." ~Unknown
You're doing just fine. I was like Jerry when it came to enforcing boundaries. I needed more time in the program. But when I finally enforced it, it was liberating. I knew how strong I was. Hubby was a chronic relapser even though he had a good amount of sober time between relapses. I didn't want to live this way: sober not sober. He has now past his 1 year mark, and I don't take his sobriety for granted. I do enjoy every minute of it. You are not responsible for his stressors or triggers. He is responsible for how he reacts to them. You keep working your program and doing what you are suposse to do.
Love and blessings to you and your family.
Live strong, Karilynn & Pipers Kitty
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It's your life. Take no prisoners. You will have it your way.
Of course he said that he would pour out the alcohol after last night and wouldn't do it anymore..I know that's his intention but without going to meetings its not likely.