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What do you do when your clean-and-sober-for-21-years partner acts like a raving drunk??
I read the "Courage to Change" book, I'm working on setting healthy boundaries, and using healthy detachment. I want this person in my life, I love him, I choose him. But I'm now very lost and confused and hurt by his behavior! Feeling alone, no Al-Anon meetings anywhere near me, so I googled and found this place. Tell me if I'm out of line jumping in like this? Need to talk to him today about running out on me and my child after having a huge fit like a child himself, then telling me I'M the one that has to change. He left a letter saying he's meditating on a plan to change MY behavior. HUH?! This is a man who used to give speeches at AA meetings, who worked at the Wilson House (he says). Hasn't been to a meeting in many months, though.
Umm, hi, nice to meet you all :) *blushes*
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To know the darkness is to love the light, to welcome dawn and fear the coming night.
FOr what its worth , take me with a grain of salt , Im still new at dealing my myself but have 20 years dealing with a relapser, Im just now learning howto care for me... however every thing he is doing to me is a set up for himself, to me that would be relapse behavior, angry "not getting my way today" "Not getting my way tomorrow" ect.... and how sweet of him to "fix" you , heehee I have gotten that alot, Im sicker then him well it might be true , but not his place to tell me so...BUT at the same time It might not be a good place for you to say so to him either, it could backfire.....Meeting are a must, Sounds to me like he needs to reach out to a sponser for a deep heart to heart, take a step back....the ego runnith over... its a dangerous place for an A.
Even old timers in my relapsin A's( he is not found sobrity yet) groups humble themselves from time to time for a refresher , sorta brings them back to earth.
Nice to meet you BTW , welcome from a another newcomer.
Just because an A is not drinking does not mean the behaviours go away, especially under stress. I always found the best approach was not to try to 'fix' him. Your job is not to take his inventory, or assess his whole being. Your job is to ensure thatyou are not accepting unacceptable behaviour. So, what I would do is, when speaking to him about it, focus on the behaviour. "Please don't scream at me" will get you farther than "You are acting like a raving drunk".
As much as possible, try to keep your focus on you, rather than him. Act in such a way that you are satisfied with your own behaviour. Make sure your own needs are getting met, and realize that they don't all have to be met by him. Face reality as squarely as you can, without getting distracted by what 'should' be going on. This is what you have right now, so you can wait for him to change, nagging and 'we have to talk'ing as you go, or you can make positive changes in your actions, and see where that takes you. Our experience as those who love alcoholics is that we get a lot further making our own changes than we do trying to change the A. When you are not sure what to do, tiny baby steps in a positive direction may be enough to shed a little light on things.
And, welcome. Yes, of course, jumping right in is just fine.
With all the program he has, he very well knows he can't change anyone. To claim to meditate to change your behavior is absurd, let alone controlling. Yes, that's an alcoholic behavior for sure. Is there a chance he could be active again? It is classic behavior to start a fight as an excuse to leave for several days and drink.
Bottom line, he is simply not powerful enough to change anyone but himself and he knows it. (Hehe, one time my husband began telling me what I needed to.......what I should do...... and I went and got a mirror and held it to his face. I didn't have to say a word.)
I certainly wouldn't walk on eggshells over this situation. Having boundaries of what you wil and will not allow will set the standards for the future. My boundaries for the conversation would be.....(and state them out loud). I would listen to what he feels needs to change, just as I would hope my husband would listen to me, but it stops there. I would NOT listen to how he expects to change me or his plan to do so. If there was any validity for change "I" will work on it my own way. I would not change for him, but only for me and for my benifit. If I felt these things were mainly HIS issues, I would tell him it is up to HIM to find a way to deal with it.
I would also have to address his vanishing act and his motives, not acceptable behavior either. Most importantly, I would not lose control, it can and will be used against you.
Keep coming back Christy
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If we think that miracles are normal, we will expect them. And expecting a miracle is the surest way to get one.
Well, an active alcoholic, whether drinking or dry drunking, will cause terrible pain to your expectations of what a decent relationship will be. You are not in relationship with a "normal" person, and will only hurt yourself expecting him to act as you want.
This must be one of the hardest things for Alanon members to learn . . . we just HOPE so hard they will "come around" if we do or say the right thing.
You can certainly tell him your feelings about his behavior. Just do it without expectation of how he'll handle it, or if he'll listen at all. He sounds (from your post) pretty spun out, I wouldn't have high hopes of getting through to him. Say it for yourself, you are important and no, you don't deserve to be treated that way at all.
My experience with my alcoholic was similar . . . he'd been sober for a few years (so he said) before we met, and gradually over the seven years of our relationship, I watched this guy go from a reasonable human being, a person his family said had changed for the better, into some other creature altogether. A mean, outrageous person I didn't even recognize.
This is the disease of alcoholism in action, and we'll all tell you it is NOT an easy road to stay by the side of an alcoholic no matter the love we have for them. Accept the future difficulties and you will be that much further ahead.
We're glad you're here! You are among company who truly understand your concerns! Take care :) Kim
Used to give speaches at AA meetings says it all . He has no support or anyone to call him on his stuff so he is blaming you for his problem , if he isn't drinking already I would say he is on his way to a major relapse . You are not powerful enough to make anyone behave the way he is , your not the reason he is doing this . When u stop listening to his ranting and raving and taking on the blame for his crappy behavior , you will feel better and his excuse will be gone . I agree with the Dry Drunk statement , behavior is the same only thing missing is the alcohol. Work this al anon program drinking or not it works , he is and always will be an alcoholic . If you have to drive for a 1/2 to get to a meeting its worth the effort , you need support you don't have to do this alone . I find it hard to believe that HUston does not have meetings near you . Please call the toll free number and get some info . 1-888-4alanon goodluck Louise
Welcome to the MIP family. I absolutely agree with the Dry Drunk statement. Hubby and I were at an open AA meeting where a Dry Drunk spoke. He came back to AA to get the help he needs. He made it clear that his wife was not responsible for this. Your recovery is about you and for you, regardles of his. It's about taking back your life, and living the life you so richly deserve.
Love and blessings to you and your family.
Live strong, Karilynn & Pipers Kitty <-- the cat
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It's your life. Take no prisoners. You will have it your way.
thank you all so much for your replies! i did call the Al-Anon 800 number, they gave me the location, i showed up and it was a CODA meeting, they said they hadn't had Al-Anon in a while. most of the time, no one shows up even for CODA. i live in a rural town with nothing around us for a one-hour drive. after i posted this, he went in the ICU with a blood clot in his lungs :( he said he'd been in pain since last Friday night. (NOT an excuse for his behavior, but a reason.) anyway, so i posted about that separately. he's asked me to support him in his stopping smoking, and i don't want to get all codependently tangled up further, so i need education on how to do this. whew.
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To know the darkness is to love the light, to welcome dawn and fear the coming night.
well it might be true , but not his place to tell me so...BUT at the same time It might not be a good place for you to say so to him either, it could backfire.....Meeting are a must, Sounds to me like he needs to reach out to a sponser for a deep heart to heart, take a step back....the ego runnith over... its a dangerous place for an A. 