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When I started dating HIM, he seemed to have it all together, almost too good to be true. Well, turned out he was. I didn't know he had such a bad alcohol problem until he had a bad week, all 7 days of it! So when his head was cleared, I told him it would be over unless he got help. He actually agreed and went out of state to a treatment facility. That should have been great, right? Well, I've been houssitting for him, his teenaged daughter and her friend live here. I noticed, when he was having his "bad week" that they took money from him, took his car, and before I ever came along, they broke into his business and took money from it. He's been gone for about two weeks, and not once have either one of them asked how he's doing. I'm trying to be understanding, bc they've probably been through a lot themselves. But at the same time it makes me mad that there's a possibility that they've only been hanging around to use someone who was sick. I don't know what to feel about this. It's not their fault that he drank. And at the same time, teenagers do tend to make stupid choices now and then. He obviously wants to make our relationship work. But these girls, who albeit are nice when they're around, are in and out at all hours of the day and night, they just quit their jobs, are always needing money, they smoke in the house, and hardly ever clean up after themselves when they cook. They aren't going to school and they don't seem to have any goals for the future, they seem to be like an accident waiting to happen. I don't know what I'm asking. I want to be with him and I'm proud that he's cleaning himself up, but he can't undo the damage to these girls! Am I justified at being mad at them or what? Or am I just upset at the wrong person??!! Maybe we need counseling? Whips, chains?! I dunno! somebody help me out!!!!!!
Welcome to mip.... I don't have much I can say to you. If this daughter has been brought up in a family with Alcoholism, chances are she has been affected. She is sick aswell. She could have resentments against her father and thats why she's not caring about any of the money stuff. As for the friend, well, thats another story. Why is she living there, getting away with all of this.
Most importantly this situation should be about "YOU". Yes I imagine you have walked into something beyond your control. And If played the wrong way, it could well backfire on you.
I'm glad the A is getting help for his problem. I will Hope he gets it and stays sober...
Have a "Major" think about what you have taken on....Keep coming back here, and try and get to face to face meetings in your area..... You can be better prepared to face things, within Al-Anon, I know I am now... We also have a chatroom here, and it's open 24/7, come in and join us, speak to people who are maybe in the same situation.
For your own sanity remember that yoy can only control yourself. That being said, it appears there are no rules or boundairies for the girls, or they are ignoring them. Were you only left in care of the house? You didn't say how old they were, there's a big difference between 16 and 19. Either way, there isn't much you can do about it. You can set your own personal boundaries, however. There's nothing wrong with telling them they will be responsible for cleaning up after themselves. You aren't their maid. Since you are responsible for caring for the house (and your own safety), I would also think you have a right not allow people in at all hours of the night, that would make me highly uncomfortable considering the recent thievery. In my opinion, no matter how they have been affected by alcohol, stealing is not an option or an excuse. It is unacceptable. No exceptions. As far as the other stuff like quitting their jobs, not going to school, no goals etc.....Although unsettling, it's not your problem to take on, cure or fix. I'm sure this isn't the fist time and the alcoholic is surely aware of their actions. It is his to deal with. If it were me, when he gets home I would watch the dynamics of what goes on. If the girls are allowed to step all over him, steal and get away with it and have no consequences, I know this is something I could never live with in peace. It is commendable that he went and got help but it is not a quick fix. Ultimately it is up to him and it is a choice he will struggle with daily, so be prepared for that too. Not being married to this person.... Personally, I would have to step back and ask myself if I really want all that drama in my life when my main goal is peace, serenity and joy, but that's just me. My best suggestion to you is to be solid about what you want out of life and stand strong in it. Don't ever allow yourself to play the victim or be manipulated. Learn about the disease of alcoholism and always, always protect yourself first. In the mean time, hide your purse..lol
Christy
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If we think that miracles are normal, we will expect them. And expecting a miracle is the surest way to get one.
Might be a good idea to educate yourself on the subject of alcoholism - you don't really say, but I get the impression this is still a pretty new relationship? It is indeed a minefield, a difficult and deadly family disease. You are only seeing the tip of the iceberg at this point.
His going off to get some help is indeed a good thing, but doesn't really mean a whole bunch. It's easy to stay sober in rehab.
Educate yourself, surround yourself with knowledgable support, remember that you can't take care of anyone else unless you take care of yourself first. Don't lose sight of yourself while trying to fix them - they cannot be fixed by you. If you can get to face to face meetings, there is a lot of information available.
And, yes, hide your purse. Denying reality is not in your own best interest.
Welcome to the board. You'll find a whole lot of support and understanding here.
I have the feeling that if your friend needs someone to housesit when his daughter and her friend are living there, he may already be aware that the lack of supervision is causing problems. As an alcoholic, though, chances are that he probably wasn't providing much supervision when he was there. Teenagers can learn quickly how to manipulate non-alcoholic parents to get what they want, and often, manipulating an alcoholic is like taking candy from a baby. Perhaps his daughter does have some resentments, as Ally said, and perhaps she feels he owes her. Hard to know, since it sounds like you've not witnessed many interactions between them.
I have to agree with Christy and Lin - if he comes out of rehab and stays sober, there are still family "dramas" that will probably continue. You are seeing 'the tip of the iceberg', and you really need to decide if that's something you want to deal with. It's definitely not something you can 'fix', so please don't think that trying to smooth things over between father and daughter will work - I tried for many years to do just that, of course to no avail. And pointing out to dad what daughter's doing only makes you the bad guy, believe me - been there. They will hopefully find their own way on their own terms.
Please keep coming back. This is a great place to be when you need hugs! Many to you! Take care, Marion
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Vocatus atque non vocatus, Deus aderit ("Bidden or not bidden, God is present") - Erasmus
Reply to Ally; Thanks so much for your response! Thats why I said that I walked into a minefield, I'm very well aware that this could blow up in my face at any time. I'll definately check out the chatroom as well. As for the teenager, she's 18. And her best friend lives here bc they are best friends. I'm pretty sure when he gets back that he would follow through on any of my suggestions, such as getting that friend of hers the heck outa here
Reply to Christy; Yes I have asked myself over and over again what I am getting myself into. He's told me time and time again that what set him off before was the "thought of losing me" bc we had gotten into an argument and I wasn't returning his calls afterward. I know its not my fault, but it makes me wonder if I'm replaying what I went through when I was a kid. My dad had a drinking problem and my parents divorced, and he would call up drunk, and my mom would make me talk to him so she could keep getting child support, he'd ask me over and over again, "do you love me? No, you don't really love me! Why do you love me? No, you don't really love me!" The whole phone conversation would go like that, me convincing him that I loved him, not knowing why he didn't believe me, trying so hard to prove it to him. My mom had an alcohol problem too, she called me all kinds of names when she was drunk, she even sprayed me down with a hose and told me I was full of demons when I was sitting in the backyard one day. Long story short, there is that guilt thing going on, that if I leave him he's going to continue to destroy himself again. I don't want to be the cause of it.
reply to MHgal: Yeah I wondered if she doesn't feel resentful. I hope he's not expecting me to clean all this up after him. I spoke with him on the phone today, and asked him if maybe we should do some family counseling when he gets back, and he said, "why would we need to do that?" Is there something wrong with me that I'm even trying to make this work? Well, its not so much that I'm trying - if he doesn't clean himself up I'm fully prepared to walk away. The stories I read about women living with an A husband - it's scary! Sounds worse than jail!
"He's told me time and time again that what set him off before was the "thought of losing me" bc we had gotten into an argument and I wasn't returning his calls afterward.
"there is that guilt thing going on, that if I leave him he's going to continue to destroy himself again. I don't want to be the cause of it". ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
That is such a familiar pattern to most all of us. It is suggested that it is you that controls his drinking, because of you he drank.. You are the cause, you are to blame, you take on the guilt and so it begins..the pattern, the merry-go-round.
That is a trap we fall in to, otherwise known as manipulation. It sucks us in because we have someone telling us they love us so much that they have no alternative but to drown in alcohol, or is it just an excuse he tells you and himself? There's always an excuse isn't there?
He is going to do what he is going to do whether you are there or not. Whether you feel guilt or not. If he chooses to drink, he will destroy himself (and you, if you allow it) while you take on the guilt and feel responsible. Could anyone make you drink or not drink by their actions? No, it'd be purely your choice, as it is his. If you were committed to not drinking, no one could "make" you pick up that bottle.
This is where the term "walking on eggshells" comes in. We feel that guilt and somehow are manipulated in to feeling responsible for another adults actions. We are afraid to do or say the wrong thing or it will cause them to drink. It'd be all our fault.
Let me say this loud and clear. It is never our fault. Never. What is our fault is losing ourselves and who we are in their disease.
Christy
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If we think that miracles are normal, we will expect them. And expecting a miracle is the surest way to get one.
Of course he told you that YOU set him off - blaming others for their own choices is, to my mind, the best sign of an alcoholic. It's what they DO, even more than drinking, I think.
Any alanon publication will give you some idea of what you are up against - though, with your childhood, you already know. You might find "From Survival to Recovery" especially helpful. As for outside reading, the AA big book gives a lot of insight. Some parts are a bit deadly reading - the writers were not picked for their literary style - but they have the disease down pat. Toby Rice Drews "Getting Them Sober" has been so useful to so many of us - it is not about getting them sober at all, but about solid helpful tips on how to keep yourself from going crazy. Most Hazelden publications are helpful - they have a lot of experience there.
There's only one thing I'll add to the great support you've received already. The daughter and her friend thing . . . I believe your A has given you his viewpoint on this already. His relationship with his kid is going to be as guilt ridden and complicated as yours is/was with your own mother, mostly guilt on his part. Lots of guilty parents let their kids run roughshod over them. Can you accept that his daughter and her friend will continue to live with him, possibly take even more advantage of him, steal, lie and cheat him? That is what is happening, has been happening, and just in my experience, that won't change unless your A sees that it's a problem. Perhaps as he grows in sobriety he will. You can't push the river here, it's way beyond you, way bigger than you. I just hate to see you set yourself up to believe you can change this situation, or get him to see the light. Best you accept it as it is and decide for yourself if you can handle it or not. Without trying to change it.
I know this is what happened to me . . . I wanted my A to be with me so badly that I went into denial myself about obvious stuff going wrong. I told myself "it isn't SO bad" and convinced myself of a whole lot of other stuff I've had to undo, it was making me that sick. Desperation to "be with" someone is a breeding ground for not being realistic about your own needs. Ask me how I know!
I always liked the idea of a remote control shock collar LOL!!!
I'm a little confused, are you supposed to be the "responsible adult" here while he is gone? If so then I'd have some rules and QUICK!! If you're not in charge then I woulld go with the it's not my problem attitude. I would say the teens are just opportunists. When my neice was younger her mom was a pothead and got into some other drugs too. She had shady characters around all the time . I asked her to come live with me but she didn't want to why? What does every teenager want? Freedom! And that's what you get with an A parent, you get to be the adult. She joined the Air Force and turned out ok. The thing with kids is some of them become it and some become the opposite.
Reply to Christy, thanks so much for your response. I'm supposed to be visiting him in rehab next week, I'm not sure if he realizes the implications of when he says certain things, I'll definately bring it up with his therapist. Thanks
Kim, thanks for your insight. If he doesn't take my suggestions, then I know where the door is. I want to do this right the first time, and make sure if I have to leave him that I did everything possible to give him a chance.
Carolina girl, After reading everyone's wonderful suggestions, I told his daughter the other day that I'm not down with her and her friend bouncing in and out at all hours of the day and night, leaving greasy messes in the kitchen, ect., and that we need to talk. Well, I haven't seen her in 2 days lol think I scared her! If she continues to contribute to this house being in chaos, and her dad doesn't do anything about it when he gets back, then I have no problems with leaving. I was so nice to them at first, but you guys really helped me to see that at their age, they do think they know it all - it's been a while since I've been a teen and I've never been the mother of a teen before, so I'm learning!
Hi Braveheart, You can still be nice, just establish your boundaries. You can communicate that to the daughter in such a way that she realizes that she has the choice to work with her father or against him. I hope she chooses to work with him, but if she does not, then it will be up to her father to decide on the consequences. There may be none. As for her leaving after you set the rules - again, this is such an easy situation for you to start getting grief from the daughter and your bf. I'm not saying it will happen to you, but it has happened to me. When my friend's daughter came to stay with us, it was because her mom was having a hard time with her. The first thing I did was come up with a list of rules - nothing Cinderella-like, just common sense and common courtesy. In a matter of minutes, she was on the phone, and her mother came and picked her up. That all ended up being my fault, of course, because I wasn't her parent - who was I to tell her she had to follow house rules? What makes perfect sense to people like us, who are not in the eye of the storm, is not something that those with a vested interest can understand. They see what's in it for them, and anything we do to set up boundaries to keep ourselves sane and comfortable is often met with disagreement and rebellion. Just please be careful - being in the middle of parents and kids is a tightrope walk. Take care, Marion
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Vocatus atque non vocatus, Deus aderit ("Bidden or not bidden, God is present") - Erasmus
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