The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I thought about tagging these thoughts on the end of my "what a jerk" post of a couple days ago. So this is related . . . I see now, after the help of Alanon friends who told me "like it is", just what was going on and I'd like to share that with everyone here.
When my son came home that night and told me the A had finagled the car away from them and was keeping it, I got very very angry! Who wouldn't? It was a rotten thing to do.
When I get angry, the ground beneath my feet gets very slippery. Here in North Idaho the ground is covered with ice and snow for about six months of the year (and five more months with mud!). You can't just stroll around with no cares, like I did when I lived in San Diego :D you need good boots and shoes with tread and you have to learn how to walk in it or you'll end up on your butt. I don't know how many times I tried to get in my car and ended up falling and sliding beneath it !
I know anger is a normal, necessary emotion for us human beings. But I have to be so very careful when I get angry. It gives me a rush of "powerful" feelings, but the ground beneath me is a skating rink and therefore I must tread very, very carefully when angry.
When I heard about the A taking the car I jumped up and started running (in place, like a cartoon) and before I knew it I was on my butt flailing around. I still thought I was "dealing" with the problem, and all I wanted to do was CRUSH him for all the stuff he's done, for how he's changed into this body snatcher alien bad person, etc.
Just reading my last post on that thread gives me chills. I was in so much pain. Miserable and desperate. And flailing. I was tired of waiting for HP to appropriately crush the A and stop him from bothering us. I didn't know that I was causing the pain to myself. I thought I was in pain because my A is such a jerk.
I've also been struggling with "no energy", almost a depression. My get up and go got up and went. I didn't know, too, that this had it's cause inside of me, not because of my A. Turns out I can be just as miserable and unhappy whether he's here bothering me or not!
So in a desperate attempt to get some help I laid it out for a fellow Alanoner, who so kindly and like a crackshot, lit up MY part in this. Seeing for the first time it was ME causing my misery, not the A, was like realizing I've been carrying seven or eight bowling balls in a backpack. So, I put it down. I think my feet almost lifted off the ground. Was I doing that TO MYSELF???
So I'm writing this to say that I was helped to uncover another layer of anger and resentment I didn't realize was eating me alive. All I knew was I was getting depressed and wondered why. When the A took the car, I got angry, the ground turned into a skating rink and I lost it.
1. I am powerless over my A, what he says, does, doesn't do, will do.
2. My life is unmaneagable because I cling to staying angry with him. I apparently don't know how to be angry yet without falling on my rear end. And the ONLY person this is hurting is me, and I'm so tired of hurting.
3. I am wasting valuable time and energy hauling around the resentment that has built up. I've been so tired and unhappy I've lost my way.
4. In spite of my preferences God loves my A as much as God loves me. What a waste of time and energy to think anything differently.
Thank God for the Alanon friends who have gently reminded me of Who exactly is in control here, and what I'm doing to myself. Since the problem has been ME, I feel better, because ME is the only person I can do anything about.
The rest of it is in God's hands. That's just an observation, by the way! It always was, I'm just accepting that.
Thanks for listening. I am lighter and hope to continue to let go and move forward with this newfound understanding of myself and how HP works in my life.
Sounds like you had an epiphany. I'm happy for you. Isn't it nice to take a load off of ourselves? Now go do something nice for yourself now that you are all those bowling balls lighter. ;) xo
hi kim, when I read what the A had done to your son,my first thought was, "he is fortunate that was not my son he did that too."
You have taught yours well.
I sure can see what made ya so mad. That was an awful thing to do. Your first post about this I did not get that you were so upset.
Yes, a friend told me a long time ago,"drop the rock." That really got me thinking. The disease will just weigh us down, pull us into the pit. If we drop the rock, we are lighter and we let go of the bs.
Of course you are depressed. this is a very hard time. Plus your A just pulled a fast one on your son. And we mothers tend to be very protective of our kids. When your anger and frustration had no where to go, then it turns into depression.
If you have an RO and the car was in your possession and your son was borrowing it from you, isn't that breaking the RO?
WOW....You hit the nail right on the head with your observations.....
We all feel like this alot of the time.. And IF I had never been introduced to the Fellowship, my life would still be "Unmanageble"..
Okay today it is "Unmanageable" and I am "Powerless" over everything, sometimes even myself. But the big difference for me today is:
I have the "Tools" of Al-Anon I have the "Friends" in Al-Anon I have the "Courage" to be who I want to be I have the "Power" to STOP people walking all over me AGAIN I have the ability to work my programme for "ME" I have the common sense..lol To realise I "Need" Al-anon
All of the above I could not have done before. My life has always been an uphill struggle, and I have alway battled this.
Today I might go two steps forward, and one step back, and thats okay. That step back is a reminder to me that I now know "HOW" to step forward again...
Love you (((HEN)))))Keep coming to your family and venting...
Your friend In Recovery
Ally Girl
p.s You said you loved my posts, as they were a "kick in the pants". I am believing this is NOT an Insult...lol
You can choose joy everyday, no matter what is happening. If joy is too much of a reach, choose Happiness. Always choose the higher good and build on it, until it becomes habit.. if that is what you seek.
I know you did it one day last week!!! Keeping the focus on joy takes practice, as does keeping the focus on us. It's one and the same with a little twist.
When someone wrongs you, or someone you love, it's much more peaceful to wish them love and enlightment and walk away then to give up your power to hate and stress. Some find this real difficult to do because it seems natural to harbor all those feelings, that's what we have always done. It is a conscious choice not to. As you know there is little we can do about them anyway. Carrying resentments is just another way of allowing them to win.
I don't have to spend my day carrying resentment, anger, stress...what purpose does it serve? It's like me drinking poison expecting the other person to die.
Christy
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If we think that miracles are normal, we will expect them. And expecting a miracle is the surest way to get one.
Thanks again everyone, that was a pretty long post :D .
I did notify the sheriff's office, but there's this festival this weekend, a full bore country boy beer brawl, and they are pretty busy trying to keep the chaos down until tomorrow. If I don't hear from them in the next couple of days, I'll call one more time to make sure it didn't get "lost" in the confusion. Deb, I don't know if what he did by taking the car was "wrong" or illegal or not. The title is in his name, but it was purchased with farm money (from me), same old same old :) .
I swear if I still didn't have Alanon people and tools to go to, to talk to, to use . . . I don't want to think of the alternative!! Thank God for all of you and Alanon too.
This really is a huge sort of epiphany. In a sense, I understand how it feels "wrong" to not be angry. I thought that through, and what came up was "WHat if he does it again??" I can take care of myself without being angry and resentful (whoa!!?? is that cool or what?) and still have a great day.
"A kick in the pants" is another way of saying "funny or hilarious" :D . Keeping a sense of humor through all the stuff is not easy, but I know it helps.
A dear Alanon friend told me as long as I hold on to the resentment it is like allowing the A to make a nest in my hair and likely poop on my head. That gave me quite the visual! My who effort in Alanon is to be happy joyous and free. This is sincererly impossible while still holding on to resentment.
Yesterday was a hard day, even though I really "get it" about dropping the rock. Another reason to not pick it up in the first place, it takes a few days to "recover" from anger hangover.
Well, today I get to inventory my household and farm equipment for my lawyer. I'm going to make sure this is a useful, practical assessment of my stuff, which is needing done anyway. So much for a day of rest :D . You all have a great Sunday, and thanks so much for being there.
Thanks, Kim, for the list. The one that really makes me stop and think is the fact that God DOES love the alcoholic as much as he loves me, and I know that! I'm going to remember that and use it when the anger threatens to overtake me. It's a very humane and respectful observation! Take care, Marion
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Vocatus atque non vocatus, Deus aderit ("Bidden or not bidden, God is present") - Erasmus
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