My Asober told me 2 days ago that his ex had called him complaining of how their daughter, who lives with them and will be 20 in Sept. (same age as my daughter that I just kicked out for not following our house rules and disrespecting me), is starting to act up and show the same behavior that my daughter was showing.  He told his ex "we had to instill boundaries for (insert my daughter's name here) and when she chose to cross the line, she had to leave."  He never instilled ONE boundary, it was all me.  The burden of discipline has always been on my shoulders, he never ONCE had stepped up to the plate.  He never once called her on her behavior towards me.  But it sure sounded good when he was telling his ex how HE and I handled my daughter, LOL.  So, he tells his ex that he would support whatever she decided to do when their D acted up the next time.  And he said he'd call the D and explain to her that she needed to step up to the plate and become a responsible adult.

Fast-forward to the next day...

His ex calls and tells my A that she made a list of her boundaries, and that D refused to follow them and has moved out.  Said that she is moving here, about 1 hour from them, to live with my A's parents (she lived with them when she was growing up, they practically raised her).  Also said that D was going to put in for a transfer at the restaurant where she works to the one out here.

I asked him if his parents were aware of why she was moving out of her mom's house, and he said that he called them and told them, and that they agreed to have rules (these are the most enabling people, plus they are in denial about everything that goes on in their family).  I then asked him what if she refused to follow the rules there, and he said he didn't know.  We had just been hugging and kissing prior to this discussion about his D, and with a smile I said, "we aren't having any more kids living at our house" (haha, they are both almost 20, for goodness' sake, so they aren't kids).  I reached out my hand and said, "let's agree that no more kids are living here".  He jerked his hand back and said, "I can't make that agreement".  He went on to say that if she has "no place to go, I can't tell her NO!"  I said that she has TWO places to go, her mom's house and her Gparents' house, and that she is CHOOSING not to have a place to go to because she doesn't want to FOLLOW THEIR HOUSE RULES. 

I told him that she is NOT living here (that's also what I've told my daughter, once she's out, she's out), first of all, because I'm done with putting up with an attitude from ungrateful, unthankful, selfish "kids".  Secondly, we are in the process of trying to repair our marriage and relationship due to the damage caused by his past behavior.  We don't need any other "conflicts" to add to our large list of things going on. 

I told him that by telling her that she can come here if it doesn't "work out" at her Gparents' house, he is enabling her to not grow up and be responsible.  Funny thing is, when I was having a hard time with my daughter when she lived here, he would tell me, "honey, it's the best thing you can do for her to help her grow into a responsible adult, and to see that you don't always get your way."  How can he not see that he's eating those words?

By the way, his daughter is "one of them"   ~ alcoholic behavior, coming in drunk in the middle of the night, etc.  She started a new job after moving to our state from Florida in June, and within 3 weeks of starting it, she took a couple weeks off to go out of state to Illinois to visit a friend.  She is irresponsible, and she doesn't speak to me when she is around.  When we met her for Father's day at the restaurant where she works (she was off that day, and had only been working there for about 4 days), she was so excited to introduce everyone to her DAD.  No introductions as to who I was.  NADA.  She must have introduced 15 people to her dad.  "Hey (so and so), this is MY DAD."   When we were leaving the restaurant, her boss said, "bye mom and dad", and under her breath, she said "STEPMOM and dad!"  Well, she left it wide open for them to think I was her mom, because she never introduced me.  I told my husband when we were driving home that I was insulted and hurt that he didn't even offer to introduce me, and he said, "I didn't know the people there".  Makes no sense to me... 

I did talk to my sponsor about this, and her response was to let my A know that her coming to live here would be NON-NEGOTIABLE, if that was the way that I truly felt about it.  Why would I want to have some adult who will not speak to me, who will not acknowledge me when I'm in her presence, who will not follow my house rules (this has happened several times in the past) live at MY HOUSE? 

So now, when I thought I could finally have some peace after my daughter is out of the house, I am again having to deal with the A and his A behavior.  I thought we had a handle on working out a lot of the issues that had come between us.  Funny, when he was talking to his ex the other day, he said "you have my complete support on whatever you decide to do."  He gives his daughter, who is grown, his complete loyalty.  I am left again to wonder why he doesn't support me or show me complete loyalty as his wife. 

Thanks for listening,

Kathi