The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I posted a little while ago that my A boyfriend was in rehab. Well he's back, as of yesterday. He seemed really good at first and definitely more healthy, etc. but I could tell that he was getting frustrated easily at things. Well by the night he started telling me about how he was having really bad cravings and all he wanted to do was stop and get alcohol. He didn't, but I could tell he was having a rough night. Well right now he is on his way to the liquor store. 1 day back. I was well aware of the chances of relapse but was completely not expecting this right away. What is going on? I know this is soo hard for him but I am having a really hard time dealing with it. Mostly because I know the disease and his thinking is so messed up with "i just want to do it once more." I am going to really start making some decisions if things continue on like this. I cannot go through this with every day being so hard and always wondering if he will be sober. I don't know what would help him, he was even looking up AA meetings yesterday and today and seemed like he really wanted to stay in a program. But I guess it just gets to be too much for him I don't know what to say when he talks to me about this I don't have much support or knowledge to offer him I mean I have no idea what its like to be an alcoholic. Thanks for listening...just feeling sick in the bottom of my stomach...
Ok if drinking lemonade made ya sick, would you keep drinking it? NO.
So hon I invite you to do this. When you start thinking about HIS stuff, say, "Stop." Then say the serenity prayer. Put your situation into the prayer. Help me to accept the things that I cannot change.
Accept he is A, it is HIS problem, not yours, his business not yours. let it go. Think of you. Change the things I can, I can stop and think of me, I can do what I love, plant a garden, watch a movie, come to alanon and write on here, or go to chat, call a friend, go to a meeting.
We can only change us, not the A. If he uses, he uses. It has nothing to do with us. We come to alanon sometimes to learn to love the A no matter what. If he uses if he is sober, if he is on a program, that is all his stuff. What else is he? Does he sit and watch movies with you? Does he like to go for walks?
The wisdom to know the difference is easy for me. Anything to do with HIS disease, is not my inventory,not my business. If he uses or not is not anything to do with me.
Do you want someone watching you?I know I don't. I know I want to be loved and accepted for me. Cancer/no hair/ or weak/or full of hope and faith. Diabetic/lowblood sugar attack/always watching my sugar levels....whatever MY problem. MY disease.
I invite you to think, he is the man I love, I like how he smells or how he laughs. Learn to remember he is still who he is. He is NOt his disease.
YOu are not his babysitter. Go make a good salad, get a watermelon, set up candles, insense. Don't stop being you whoever you are. It will make him feel all the more guilty if you stop being you becuz of him.
In rehab he should have been advised of walking out and immediately going to an AA meeting. ninety meetings in ninety days at lease. AA should be where he gets his counseling, his sponsor, his outlet. He will learn skills to stop craving. He will learn to make his personal program of recovery.
But that is HIS thing.
We can make our minds learn to stop getting into their pit.
((((((summergrl)))))) <=== these are hugs by the way
It is hard to know what to say, but if it helps at all.... nothing you say or do will make him stay sober. He has to want it, and he has to find it in himself to get the support he needs. I know that sounds awful rough... but the truth is this is very tough.
The best thing you can do is get more information for yourself. If possible find a meeting for yourself. It can help things if you have a support system for you. He will have plenty to worry about on his own if he decides to get into a program.
Only had a minute, but wanted you to know we are here for you,
Take care of you!
-- Edited by rtexas at 21:15, 2007-08-03
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"Good judgement comes from experience... experience comes from bad judgement" - unknown
Okay your situation is normal. I also was without a clue about the alcoholic and alcoholism when I first got here and I didn't know that all the negative stuff I was going thru was normal as the partner/spouse/relationship of an alcoholic. My alcoholic also relapsed and I helped that come about because given the opportunity to honestly say that I didn't know what was up or what to do I took a stab an and answer and of course was wrong. It took time in Al-Anon to learn that when I didn't know the best thing to do was to say that and then maybe say "I'm sure you can find the answers with your rehab people or AA or the doctor or whatever. You might suggest to him that you are the most unlikely person to talk about recovery from alcohol or drug abuse and/or addiction. Alcohol withdrawal I have since found out is a very frightful event and that it is best that the alcoholic go and talk and spend time with those who know and are recovering from that problem. Nuf said...go to as many Al-Anon meetings that you can in 90 days. You also need to find out a lot about the disease and what your part in it is. Keep coming back here and reaching out with an open mind. That is how your sanity will come back.
I am new here-in shock and despair-my boyfriend and father of my one year old son was killed 8/1/07 while driving drunk. He was a recovering A, had not drank in 18 months-stopped on his own. In the past, he would binge drink with friends at bars cont. onto their homes afterwards. he felt he had beat the alcohol, it did not "have a hold on him" so he wanted to drink 2-3 beers occaisionally after work if he wanted to. turns out he was hiding how many beers he was actually having. i expressed my concern, begged him to stop, asked him to go to rehab-suggested he go to an AA meeting, which he had attended once during his recovery. he was also excessively smoking pot and taking klonopin prescribed by his dr. the accident happened only 3 weeks into his relapse. I am in agony right now and feel i could or should have forced him to do something, or approached him in a different way. the night of the accident he slipped out the door while i was in the bedroom with our kids, didn't say goodbye or why he was leaving-i knew he was out of it, but b/w the pot/rx meds and beer, i didn't know how drunk he was or even consider he would leave the house that late at night to hide keys. i feel as if i could have kept him from dying. a friend of his later informed me he talked to him on the phone and he said he was "sneaking out to get another beer". i'm in such pain. he used marijuana during his recov. because he felt it helped keep him sober. it was not unusual for him to be spacey or out of it from that and klonopin-which he also abused. i thought he was in for the evening, we live on the island of Kauai and nothing is open after 11:00. if i would have sat with him instead of being in the back room w the kids, if i would have hid the keys, if i would have been more perceptive to how out of it he really was. I feel that i let him die.
v. new here. feel for you, sounds familiar. i am just learning about what addiction really is and i don't know what to say, other than i tried 20 ways asking my A BF to stop when i saw him slipping up. i held our one year old in front of him, asking if not for me, do it for him. do it for your poor body so we don't lose you when you are 40. do it for our relationship, family your business- for yourself. suggested he get to an AA mtg., go to rehab. he said "just because i drink doesn't mean I don't love you" and "nothing is wrong, that is just who I am-you knew i drank when you met me" after 18 mos of no alcohol, he totally surrendered to it. he crashed his car 8/1 on way home from "sneaking out to get one more beer". he's gone. i hope your boyfriend can get to AA or even rehab again, very new to this board, learning the disease-i read that you can't stop them but i wish i would have held his facein my hands, looked him in the eyes and said please stop this-i love you, let's take youto get help. may not have worked, but is haunting me. above all, remind him not to drive. to me that would be doing all you can do, the sick feeling you describe sounds so familiar. please take care of yourself.
I don't know what to say when he talks to me about this I don't have much support or knowledge to offer him I mean I have no idea what its like to be an alcoholic. Thanks for listening...just feeling sick in the bottom of my stomach...
