The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
so after our big fight which ended with him at the bar and two days of me getting up, going into the office, and coming home late, my AH said something to me about it all. I knew that he was probably confused, hurt, and a little angry that he hadn't seen me in two days, but I needed time away after the hurtful things he had said about me and whether or not I should have the baby.
He apologized and stupid me thought that this might be the time to discuss boundaries. It wasn't...no matter how calm I was trying to be it came out like I was lecturing or being mean. I told him that until we got an extra key, if he was going to be out late, he needed to come by and pick the key up so I could go to sleep otherwise I was not going to stay up and wait until I got a phone call or he came home. I also told him that as far as whether I should keep the baby or not, I was not going to listen to that type of talk anymore, because I had told him my decision on that matter. He got pissed and started in about how I treated him like a sperm donor...so on. I tried to be calm but it pissed me off...he keeps hinting as if he thinks I tricked him and got pregnant on the sly. I lost it and retorted that "I was pretty sure a 27 year old man should know what happens when you have sex unprotected." Completely unneccessary on my part...(sigh) Its so hard to not lose it. I have a hard time when he's drunk but when he's sober...its soooo hard not to fight back and be unreasonable as well.
It ended okay...nothing exactly resolved, but then I don't think all our problems can be resolved in an hour. We hugged, said "I love you" and then we were fine the rest of the evening. My biggest problems right now are letting go of resentful feelings even when he's sober and doing nothing wrong. I know this is part of the controller in me...He's not doing as I want 100% of the time, so I get angry and can't let go. When he's drunk but not wasted...the same thing happens...I get angry at every little thing he does...even if all he's doing is looking for something...Its not because I'm angry at what he's doing its because I'm angry that he's drunk period.
I even started to think about how I behave around him...slowly over time, I've even started trying to monitor and control small things unrelated to drinking. If he shaves, how he speaks, words he uses...Its almost as if since I can't control the drinking I've gone on hyper mode to control small things. Except it drives him nuts (which is perfectably understandable) and does nothing for the tranquility in our marriage. Its just so hard sometimes...I'm trying one day at a time....
I can cmpletely relate at getting mad at every little thing that they do "under the influence " ...for some odd reason my A gets jacked up on opiates and has BOUNDLESS energy and I makes me furious when he tries to clean the house dishes ect in this "drunken idiotic state" ...I lose it.... but the truth is Im mad at the substance abuse. I know its not him... I feel like he is a phony. He did however clean my coffee pot last time and I swear he took the whole damn thing apart , it looks brand new LOL
It IS hard to remain calm . . . at first. It's like establishing a new habit, it takes practise. Just remember before when you made little attempt to stay calm. It takes a lot of work and energy to shift to a different mode at first. But it's so worth it.
And when you first change a habit, you know how you are hyperaware of every little thing, even unrelated stuff?? Like how often he shaves :D ??
Active users ARE extremely hard to cope with. Just remember you are doing a hard thing, as with anything hard, it just takes time to make an inroad.
Also it is totally OK to be uncomfortable around the A when they are drunk or high. I was so uncomfortable watching how pathetic my A was, I avoided contact with him. At first, I hoped he would notice I was avoiding him while he was gorked . . . then I noticed I was just HAPPIER, if possible, avoiding him and shutting him out when he was gorked.
Just keep at it, these Alanon promises come true fairly quickly. They are the great front line defenses, and it's no wonder we learn these first. And keep bringing your experiences here. You can drop it off here and let it go, even if it's only for a bit. You're in a tough situation, but you're doing the right thing.
I was also pg before I knew what alcoholism what and that the father of my child was one. Having a baby with an alcoholic was the worst thing I could have done to my children. You'll see once your baby is born how heartbreaking it's going to be. Alcoholics do not care about their children. They say they do and they say they love us too but nothing is more important then the alcohol. You can threaten them with everything under the sun and they will promise to give it to you but it never happens. Once you stand in the way of their alcoholism YOU become the enemy. Alcoholism doesn't stop for a pg. It's a very dangerous combination to be pg and living with an alcoholic. My best advice is to remove yourself from the disease and focus on you and that child, IF he decides to change then great go from there....but sadly it doesn't turn out that way for the most part or some of us wouldn't be here. I'd also take that as a hint if he doesn't want the baby that he's not ready for it to come along. Be careful and don't have expectations of a family unit, you could be let down. There is no reason you can not raise the child on your own and have a great child. It's hard not having a great father for your children but you can be the one that protects it. Putting the cart before the horse....your only two weeks pg and that's really too early to be planning the future of an unborn child but I would be making plans for yourself right away. Good luck.
