The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I was just reading a post by rtexas - what an amazing person (yes you are). Hearing others stories, watching their growth and struggles, talking to one another, supporting one another non-judgmentally - that is what this program is all about. And I love each and every one of you here.
Last month my life changed. Something happened that effectively ripped that veil from off my eyes and started my journey of questioning, truly questioning myself about my life, about what I want and need, about what is truly important. I think it was all the more shocking because I thought I was at a place of serenity. Well, for the most part, yes I was. Sure I had my down days, my days when I needed to grab ahold of my alanon family and say help me make it thru today. Tell me tomorrow will be better. And they did and it was. And I know those down days are a part of life regardless of where or who we are with. Just as in nature, you need both the sun and the rain for things to grow.
I was in a meeting about serenity during this questioning period of mine, and someone shared a line that just jumped out at me. "Why stop at Serenity when you can have Joyful" Wham! Am I joyful I asked a friend. Sure, at times, she replied. Again I looked at my life. I looked at me. I looked at who/how I am. I looked at how my being who/how I am affected those around me. Husband, kids, family, etc. But most of all... I looked at my needs - physical, emotional, spiritual. And I began to feel selfish. I began to feel guilty that I wanted more, that I wanted Joyful, not just Serenity. That I wanted completeness within myself.
And the grieving began. The pain began. The hurt began. And I grabbed ahold of my alanon family and I talked things through. I talked about my feelings of selfishness and guilt. I talked about my needs - were they too much to ask for? Was it wrong to ask for them? And always I was led to HP.
My husband moved out July 21st. He has 18 days sobriety and is hanging on by the skin of his teeth. I don't have contact with him (per his request), but I know a few who do who I so appreciate and love for their support to him. We will be getting a divorce. My decision. And I grieve. I do love him, but Serenity was not enough for me. And he deserves much more himself - he is a wonderful man - he deserves so much more than I could ever give him now. I grieve for the pain we both must go through. But I am joyful and hopeful that a new life for both of us (separately) is now beginning. It's funny how life can turn out. I came to Al-Anon hoping to save my marriage. Instead ... Al-Anon has given me myself back, has given me the Courage to reach out for that Joyfulness in life, and has shown me how to walk through the pain and grief to get there.
Thank you all for being here. Love you so much... and .... I wish you enough.
Kis
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Let your light shine in the darkness. "I can't just bring my mind to meetings...I must also bring my heart."
What a great share, thanks. With three kids I'm ok with serenity (wink wink) I went out with a girlfriend of mine and we laughed so hard that my stomach muscles hurt for three days and it was then that I realized that I don't laugh too much. Your right though, we need to find true happinesss with our serenity. I agree that rtexas finds happiness in silly things that's what I like about him too ;) I would find joyfulness in those things too. My friends tell me that it doesn't take much to amuse me. Thanks again. HUGS
I have not seen joy for a long long time. Thank you for reminding me. Grief is a huge part of my life. I spent years in therapy grieving my childhood. That period of life does not hinder me so much anymore (of course it still affects me). I am sad for you. I know I've done everything I can to save my relationship. I can't of course.
I read your post through watery eyes. I know that feeling of love... yet needing more from life that just meerly getting by. It's a decission that only you can come to.
I am in very much the same boat. Have I learned enough and have enough support to do this for 20 or 30 more years without blowing my brains out.... yeah, probably. I just don't want to.
I don't love her any less, I just don't feel I am doing either of us any favors by pretending I am ok living that way any more. My friend, the courage it takes to seek that joy is within all of us with the help of our HP and each other.
Thank you so much for sharing your strength and thank you so much for being here.
Take care of you... and wish you enough right back!
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"Good judgement comes from experience... experience comes from bad judgement" - unknown
While I am saddened about your separation, I am excited about your new adventure to find joy!!
I pray that both you and hubby find the places inside both of you where you will tap into the love and joyful spirit that is waiting to be appreciated.
So glad you posted this my friend. We are all here and we love you very much. Can't wait to start hearing about your quest!
I wish I knew what to say all I can think to do offer you lots of supportive hugs at this time - from someone who is very grateful for the you that you are.
So sorry, or, congrats on your lover.. I dunno.? I'm still doing the long play version of 28 days* on my most recently 'out the door.' I got my garden growing, my doggers, and my work.. *( the movie re recovery related issues )*.
The one before him, his kids n I still touch base, however that one to me was about helping to heal the kids, or to let them know they had options other than to be like mommy or daddy, well or like me even, I can not be so vain. I can however, say Ooh, did u ever think there may be another way of looking at xyz event..?
Ya know, its a thing I never thought about b-4.. U present u as being pretty functionally together. Its always a joy 2 c u in chat, to the side, however that serenity and joy are not synonymous has me on a word search..
http://en.wiktionary.org/wiki/joy joy Etymology
Via Middle English and Old French, from Latin gaudium.
1. The state of being serene. 2. A lack of agitation or disturbance.
O i c - I am on the uncountable use of measure regarding these 2 words, as my definition falls on my ideas. The one is both countable and uncountable and the other is only uncountable, so that is a focal point for me to know. With both those ex-s, both had their joys and serenity inducing moments with me, while the other had kids who were teenage, the last had kids who were a-parents, by his my ex a's own identification onto them.
However, back to the thought of joy and serenity re these definitions out of the dictionary, the one is before the other word in the dictionary and the idea of the latter having a single sense to it - the former has a plural use to it idea. I'm thinking it must then all add up to serenity - the acts of joy that I commit and the acts reflected back to me are based on my own mental, ideas or fingerprint, if you will.
So that is my story. I am grateful for all my ex-s, amazed to have known the most of them as well. It does get better Kis. Full on regards 2 u in your ESH,
The attraction of this program is when we can give back what others have taught us throughout our trials and tribulations, our laughter and sorrow, our pain and, oh yes, finally, OUR JOY. And so I shall share with you what a beautiful friend of mine shared with others.
I wish you enough sun to keep your attitude bright. I wish you enough rain to appreciate the sun more. I wish you enough happiness to keep your spirit alive. I wish you enough pain so that the smallest joys in life appear much bigger. I wish you enough gain to satisfy your wanting. I wish you enough loss to appreciate all that you possess. I wish enough Hellos to get you through the final Good-bye.
When you are ready, I have an excellent book to recommend to you to help you with the grieving process.
Much love, Maria
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If I am not for me, who will be? If I am only for myself, then who am I? If not now, when?
This is my Al-Anon family. These are the people who love me unconditionally, who support me unconditionally... even if they personally may not agree with my choices. These are the people I know are always there for me. These are the people who ask me hard questions to make me THINK. These are the people who cry with me... and who laugh with me. These are the people who helped teach me (again) what it means to truly love...
Thank you.
Kis
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Let your light shine in the darkness. "I can't just bring my mind to meetings...I must also bring my heart."
