The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I am still confused, but really appreciate the meetings and support here. You all postede right away and helped me. Thank you.
I guess I'm confused on how to help my family and self. Mainly I'm trying to be happy no matter what. I started smoking again which I'm not happy about but with all the stress and my a still smoking I guess I'm trying to go easy on myself.
I just want to be the positive influence in this house and for my sons and I'm willing to do whatever to do that.
I had a weekend alone and realized I couldnt even sleep with my kids gone with my A and family without me. I realized that the reason I stay right now is for their safety. I will not be leaving them with irresponsible people alone because my main priority is to keep them safe and they are still young and I just don't trust the A.
Realizing that, I have to stay here and go to meetings and try the best I can to make the best of the situation. I can't help but still feel I am screwing up their little lives but I'm trying to be grateful that my A works hard, coaches little league, and is overall a good-hearted person, with a terrible disease.
Sometimes my struggle with smoking makes it easier. I can understand why he does what he does, its just a thing you can't figure out.
I guess its just day by day trying to be happy and live and let live.
I just hope years from now I don't regret the decisions I make. Right now I pray alot and am trying to reconnect on other things with my husband and quit being crazy for my children.
I'm not real familiar with your whole situation but I also had three young children at the start of my ah's alcoholism. At the very beginning my children were 18 months and two five month old twin girls and that's when he became rude and pushed and argued which I could not take because I too, thought there was this decent, kind person in there. Without alcohol he was so wonderful...he was everything sober I ever wanted. When it came to the point that this nice, kind understanding person "accidentally" hit me in the eye and gave me a black eye....that's when I had to make a move to protect our children. I had to boot him out. I got a restraining order. It was VERY hard to do but I learned I could not make idol threats and I had to follow through or I was allowing this man to abuse me further. We were seperated a long long time and he still fought with alcoholism because it was more important then we were. He eventually became sober and I let him back in, he made it seven months. He relapsed and by this time the kids were 6,5,5 so out he went again. It broke their hearts but I had to explain that it was MY job as a mother to protect them even if it broke their hearts. He luckily got a job four hours away and I no longer have to deal with his choices. He says he's sober (who really knows) I don't have much faith anymore. All I know is I got him out and we are happy happy HAPPY!!! I posted a bit ago about how it all seemed like a dream now because I removed the chaos and moved on and learned to live around him. Children learn what they live and I am teaching my son to respect woman and how NOT to be, I am teaching my girls that woman do not allow men (even if you love them) to treat you unkind. There is no hate in our house, only love and hugs and kisses and no argueing. We are peaceful. When my ah comes to visit he knows my rules and he obids by them because he has a new found respect for me because I am strong and I did what I said I was going to do and I did not stop raising my children because of HIS alcoholism. I am very proud of myself as a mother and how I have grown. This board helped a bunch too. It all works out when you start making it work!
((((flower)))) I can completely relate to your situation. Wanting to do be the best role model for our children while facing this disease leaves me feeling overwhelmed and at times a failure. The best thing I have done for myself is to work on me. Going to meetings, reading the literature and working the steps with a sponsor. You don't have to do this alone. We are all here for you and many of us are where you are or have been there. It is confusing, for sure. You are soooo worth recovery, (((flower)))! You and your children will benefit from it!
I realized that one of the reasons I haven't already gotten out of my marriage to my A was I felt I could "protect" my 3-year-old better from my A and his toxic family while I there - I couldn't control anything if I wasn't there.
I think the confusion with the slogan of "let it begin with me" was that I was under the impression that it meant that I had to be all "polly anna psycho" 24/7/365. That's not the idea, but that's what I got out of it. I said at my Al Anon ACA meeting this AM I think we need al anon 101 who are like me--totally out in left field, and totally lost. The slogan "let it begin with me" can mean whatever you need it to, whatever moment you're in: "I will, at this moment, represent the recovery behavior of physically taking care of myself. I will make a dr's appt for a complete physical, just for today, because I want to let it begin with me how I know that I am an important and worthy person in this family." "I will, at this moment, eat dinner. I will, just for today, take care of my physical needs, because I want to be an example of how physically taking care of myself has long term benefits." "I will, at this moment, go to the YMCA and exercise, because I feel so good when I do it. Just for today, I will do this for myself because I want to be an example for others what happens to myself emotionally when I take care of myself." No where in my experience does it say in "let it begin with me" that I'm gunning for saint hood. However, after what many of us have lived with from our loved ones, I wonder why it is that the catholic church is so strict with the requirements. ;) Just for today and Let it begin with me are slogans that couple together so well, at least for me, because they show how I need to focus on what I can change and how I can take care of myself. This removes all the feelings of being a victim and being ashamed of myself. It also turns off the tapes of my parents behaviors and their horrible messages.
