The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I recently found out that the A has a criminal issue in the works realting to his driving which as yo uall know is tremendously reckless. I 've recently been crafting a dream of getting me a place with the dogs and cats. That is a long long long way off but I can see the possibility these days in ways I never could before. I have to really come up with a plan and execute it. I know for me that will probably take months. For me the vision helps. The idea of being out from under the A seems increasingly attractive. He's been on a spiral for the entire year. I know he lives sleeps eats denial there is no future for us. I think its incredibly sad that I am now looking at his going to jail as a way out for me but it is one way out where I get to keep my dogs and have a home. Of course I do have to prepare for it and I'm, as always, not there yet.
In the meantime I alternate between trying to set boundaries, sometimes successfully, sometimes not, and being absolutely totally exasperated with him and his behavior. I voice it but his behavior does not change. What has changed is that I don't think he is "using" anything the irony is his behavior is anything much much worse (not directly towards me) and his depression is oppressive.
I also haven't mentioned that in the midst of his acting out he has almost totally destroyed the truck. As always he claims its someone else fault. I have yet to see if it is going to be repaired. One thing I am certain of is that I am not footing the bill this time. And needless to say he feels not even a smidgeon of responsibilty for the near write off of the truck.
I dream of jail also LOL I find it so bizarre, I walk around asking HP, PLEASE, lock him up today! He needs it sooooo bad. I dont want it to get away, I want it for him to detox and get a clear head. I havent talked to "HIM" in weeks... so I can totally relate to wanting the jail thing , glad its not just me LOL I never thought that would be a wish of mine when I grew up, ugh.
No it's not just you! I never thought that when I grew up I'd be instrumental in putting my husband behind bars :D . I don't regret it for one second, not even when I'm not feeling anger toward him (unlike today). It was the only thing that freed me from the drama and increasing danger he presented to me.
Maresie, I can't imagine how tired you must be. All we really want is for it to just STOP.
I almost wished my A would just die (quickly). It didn't feel that good to wish that, but I've read it and heard the same from others dealing with this disease. It's just desperation, we are getting to a turning point within ourselves, getting ready to make a decision one way or another. If a wasp stings me and I find it trying to get away I kill it, without even thinking! I know wasps DO STING when they feel harassed, it's natural, but being stung gets me worried as I used to have mild allergic reactions, and anaphylaxis from beestings run in the family. I've taken a few mosquitos into the next world too :D . It sounds silly, but it's a great analogy for HOW WE ARE.
I felt like my life was in danger, physically, but worse was the emotional and mental MISERY. That got me just as desperate as if my A were smacking me around.
I have felt that way from time to time. I asked my God to either take my A or me as I can't stand this merry go round anymore. I seem to be in a better place today thanks to my God. But things go smoothly for a while and you are always wondering when the other shoe is going to drop. Today I was at work and my A called me on his cell. He wanted me to know he was going to the bazaar. I asked why can't he wait for me to get off work as it is only 1/2 hour. No....We have no togetherness, but I am as strong as I can be thru my God. I always dream of a better relationship and it never happens.
You are such a wonderful woman. In all your worry and thoughtfulness of your qualifier, I think it is great that you are focusing on you. Let your higher power take care of the rest for a little and keep dreaming about something positive for you! Wishing you all the best, ((((Maresie)))).
I will join the "Please God let him get locked up" club. And I have also thought how crazy I am that I am wishing for the man I love, the father of my 3 kids to be tossed in jail. How would that affect the kids and look to the community. But now that we are divorced, I wish for it everytime I get a wish. There is no reason for him to be walking around free when he has done so much wrong to me and the kids. Oh well, we can't always get what we want. I think it is perfectly understandable that we want them somewhere that we don't have to worry or care for them. And having them punished at the same time is some sort of sick fantasy of mine. And wishing him dead happens too. LOL Kim, how kind you are wishing it to be a quick death.....I have long drawn out movie like senerios with lots of remorse and pain. Oh maybe I shared too much but Marsie you are such a kind person and have delt with so very much and your acceptence of the reality of your situation really inspires me. You truly are doing the best you can with what you've got and you have hope for the future and you still have love in your heart. I think that is incredible. Because this disease has killed so much of my love and trust in the future. Evertime you post I see there is hope out there even for me!
