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Miracles In Progress 12 Step Recovery Forums -> Al-Anon Family Group -> Al-Anon Family Group -> Continuing Cycle
Post Info TOPIC: Continuing Cycle
snapdragon


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Continuing Cycle
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This is only my second post - my first one was at http://www.activeboard.com/forum.spark?forumID=42727&p=3&topicID=11272138 .  Since then, my A (I guess you all call the alcoholics in our life our "A"?) has gone through the same cycle as he always does - quits drinking, then starts drinking non-alcoholic beer, then a drink or two or three when we're in a social setting (I guess he thinks it gives him "permission"), then I start noticing he's drinking in the basement & he's hiding it, and then he's starting to drink openly at home again. 

In my first post, I describe that I've set a boundary with him that I was going to seek a divorce if he didn't quit drinking.  At no point when we were going through "the cycle" did I remind him of that boundary.  I'm sure he took that as implicit permission from me to drink.  Once again, he's tromping all over my boundaries and once again I'm letting him.

About a week ago, A's mother was telling me why she's such a worry-wort:  her father was an alcoholic and she was his favorite.  She learned to worry about him.  It sure seemed like a good opening, so I told her I was worried about A's drinking.  She told me she had been worried about it, too.  She told me she was going to talk to him. 

In the meantime, A has had another session of bashing my family to me...all in the same of "getting it off his chest" and making himself "feel better".   Yes, he was drinking at the time.

This same old cycle keeps happening over and over, what makes me think that its going to change?  Probably the fact that I still can't believe that he's an alcoholic.  And hope that it'll get better.

I'm looking for a meeting to attend - went to one this week but the group wasn't meeting anymore.  I found the meeting location on the al-anon website - are there any other places to look for meetings?


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lil_pieces


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I'm so very new to this as well...so take what I say with a grain of salt...and others more informed will pop in soon I'm sure...but I think part of the issue is the boundary you set...you aren't willing or ready to keep that one. That's fine but maybe you should start with one you could keep. I know I couldn't set the "I'll leave" boundary because I know I wouldn't. So, maybe you could leave the room or house when he starts in on bashing your family. Your boundary here would then be, "I refuse to listen to him say horrible things about my family"

I know that's not a great help, but for me it helps to start with baby steps. With my A, my first one is to refuse to stay in the house the morning after while he's hungover and grouchy. My plan is to start going for a walk, going to school to my office, or calling a friend and getting lunch. Anything to stay away from him. Partly because he's not real sweet then but also because seeing him hungover just upsets me because it reminds me of his drinking and then I'm grouchy all day as well.

As for meetings, you could try putting your city name plus AL-ANON on the search engine and see what comes up...My city has its own page for the AL-ANON meetings.

Best of luck.

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cleothe2


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Snap - sorry it took so long to reply...

I have read that you can call Al-anon toll free @ 1-888-4alanon for local meetings and information.  You can also check the yellow pages - even the small town I live in/near has recovery options (counseling centers, etc.) listed where they would know about the local meetings.

Your post struck a chord w/ me - my AstbxH has tried bashing my family pretty often.  The funny - not funny haha, but funny weird/ironic - thing is that his family is so much more messed up!  I would point that out to him and remind him that I never bashed his mom even when she presented me with opportunities over and over and over...  which, in a way, was sort of bashing her.  (shrugging sheepishly)  Not the best and most upstanding reply/response/reaction, but oh well.  I had boundaries about bad-mouthing people (especially my family!!!) way before I even knew what boundaries were.

Anyway - there's some of my Experience w/ family bashing.

Keep coming.  Keep posting.  We all need each other. 
Here's a hug - brief because I'm a little shy and not sure you like to be hugged.  :)  (((Snapdragon)))

-- Edited by cleothe2 at 09:50, 2007-08-03

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snapdragon


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And a big hug right back, cleothe2!  I needed that.

The "I'll leave" boundary is a last ditch boundary...this isn't the first time I've asked him to quit drinking.  He's gone through these cycles before of "quitting" and slowly starting again after I've told him I had enough.  Obviously, I'm still not at a point where I've reached the end of my rope - but I'm close.  I have a second appointment with a divorce financial planner set up (as my greatest fear faced with a divorce is not being able to make it financially with my 3-year-old).

During my talk with my A's mother, I told her that the next time he gets drunk and verbally/emotionally abusive of me or my family, I was calling her and she would need to come pick him up - I'm not leaving the house, he can.  She told me to do it and I'm sticking to that.  I didn't say this to her, but if she doesn't come get him or he refuses to leave, and depending on how bad it is, I just may call the police. 

I have to admit, cleothe2, I pointed out to my A that his family isn't exactly dysfunction-free and it seemed to shock him.  I kick myself for sinking into this "tit-for-tat" childish behavior, but I couldn't help it.  A says the biggest thing he can't stand is hypocracy...isn't that hyprocritical?

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lil_pieces


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I think its great that so far his mum is willing to get him when he's being unreasonable. Hopefully she sticks to that promise. And I don't think you should kick yourself too hard for the "tit-for-tat" behavior. It can be really hard to sit back and listen to the A make under the belt comments about ourselves and our families. It takes everything in me not to fight back...most of the time unfortunately I do. All we can do is try...



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cleothe2


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Pretty sure hypocritical would describe that, yes. 

Wow, I never heard of a divorce financial planner.  We just did it ourselves.  For two people who couldn't get along for cr*p for 11 years, I am surprised at the amicableness (yeah, I know, but it should be a word :)) of this divorce.  HP has really been in charge of it, I think.  It happened that he decided to move out as I was working up the nerve to ask him to leave.  I was just floored.  I actually just stood there blinking for like a minute.

For me it was never really about the drinking.  I'm not sure he's even a "real" alcoholic, though all the seeds are there.  It has always been the -isms.  For the longest time, I thought it was me; I still have to remind myself that I can communicate very well with other people and I have relationships that actually have emotional intimacy - I know I can do the relationship thing.  I'm a little slow socially, but I can bond and have intimate relationships with others.  I have infinite patience, apparently you can have too much patience.  I don't know how I never noticed that I was never first to him.  I think I projected a lot. 

It stinks that I will be divorced.  I never wanted to be divorced.  I was going to get married once and stay that way, just like my 3 siblings, just like my mom and dad and all my 10 aunts and uncles.  But it wasn't any kind of marriage and I couldn't do it all by myself.  I can't be his mom or his conscience or his counselor or therapist or whatever.  No amount of wishing or pretending would ever make us real partners. 

It's not his fault.  It just is what it is.  And it is not what it is not.

Well, I never meant to go on like this.  :)  Just wanted to give ya a little support.  

 

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cleothe2


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BTW, I went back and read your first post and I just have to say...  I got such a kick out the phrase "verbally vomitted".  The fact that he did not appreciate it made it funnier.  


  



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