The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
At my weekly meeting after the meeting last nite I was talking with one of my alanut friends about relationships. All of us sitting at the table were divorced, two within the last 3 months.
We were talking about the expression batted around here in al-anon sometimes (or in codependent literature) that goes something like, "our pickers are broken" when it comes to finding someone to be in a relationship with.
What was interesting to me about this was something one of the others said about that. This expression implies somehow that we keep picking "bad" people, or at least people who are bad for us.
What is the common denominator in all of the relationships we have been in? The most obvious and unavoidable common denominator is ourself.
You know, so much of what we consider to be our relationship with someone else exists nowhere else but in our own heads. This isn't surprising really if you think about it, our entire world is within our own head. We each create our own story, our own versions of reality. And only we have the power to change that reality, if it is not something we are happy with. No other person has the power to make us feel anything. We choose to feel a certain way.
If someone comes up and says something ugly to me like, "David you are an egotistical, holier than thou jerk who doesnt ever think of anyone but yourself...man you suck!"
Instead of thinking, man, this person is having a bad day or that they are just way off base, in the past I would have been sucked in and started wondering, "Are they right?" or even, "Yeah, they are right! I am a complete loser!" And let someone else's opinion or expression of frustration allow my own mind to start attacking me. My own insecurities to jump right up in my face and scream "See!!! I told you so!!!!! Even "so and so" sees how useless you are!"
Well no more. This program, as I choose to work it, is teaching me waayyyy better than that! Focusing on myself first and foremost has given me such wonderful rewards. Personal growth. Happiness. Serenity.
Reality is that I know now who I am. And I like who I am very much. And I absolutely don't need another human being to tell me that I am a worthwhile human being. Period.
Absolutely it is nice to have someone compliment me. But it is no longer necessary.
As those of you who know me are aware, I am divorced. I have lived alone for 3 years now. Do I want to be single the rest of my life? No. Would I like to have a special person to share my life with? Absolutely. And I do have a special person I share my life with. And in a broader sense, I have many special people I share my life with. I don't have to be married to someone to be sharing my life. And just because I am not married to them, not having sex with them..doesn't devalue them. Does not make them less worthy of me giving the gift of sharing who I am with them, or accepting the gift of who they are for myself.
Do I think I am owed a relationship with someone who will appreciate me for who I am, and love me for who I am? No.
My life is precious. Every single day. I am not living my life waiting anymore. Not waiting for that someone to come along and make it worth living. It is right now...today!
So much to see. So much to do. So much to love.
It is all me you see. If I am happy. If I am sad. I choose these things on a daily basis. No one chooses for me. No one makes me do, say, or think anything, unless I choose to allow it.
I am not sure where I am going with all this, except to say a few more words to anyone who cares to read them.
Wow, thanks David! I really liked your post. It really made me think about myself and past/present relationships..much of them really is in my head! My expectations, my mood, how I'm feeling about myself, etc. all influence what I put into a relationship, and what I take away from it!
I am in a relationship with an alcoholic, and have been for 2 years. Do I think my "picker" is broken? No..it sounds strange to say but I feel that I am in the most healthy relationship I have been in a long time. This is because I've gotten to a point where I'm happy with myself, my life, and all the friends and family that support me. This allows me to not be totally dependent on one person for my happiness. I feel some of my past relationships (not with A's) were completely unhealthy because I had low self esteem and let every single thing they did or said impact me and how I felt. It really wasn't them at all- it was ME that needed changing!
I am definitely still working on this and becoming more independent and confident. It is hard sometimes! But it is nice to feel like you will be ok and then a bonus is to have that person to share life with and make you smile :)
WOW! WOW! WOW! What a wonderful share on "our pickers are broken!" I have never, never thought about this in this manner and I am "blown away" by the powerfulness of it. I tell you, my dear friend, this is not a share I will ever forget!!! ty ty ty tyvm!!!
Love & hugs - Jeri
__________________
The ultimate lesson all of us have to learn is unconditional love, which includes not only others but ourselves as well. Elisabeth Kubler-Ross
That's it.........my picker is broken as well. I agree that we live within ourselves. But there are some things that I have to have...is that wrong? I have to have nice teeth, clean skin, someone who is well groomed and educated. I know physical shouldn't be a priority but it is to a point. Let's just say I know what I don't want. In the town I live in, there is nothing to pick from. lol No lie!!! Good Share David. Thanks.
I FEEL exactly what you are saying! I used to always say my picker was broken now I know it was my picker and the rest of me too. When I first left, I was so alone, I had to fill that void, I was desperate to find a man and I think the problem comes in here any man would do. Then I went out every single weekend looking chatted online, anything to find another adult to talk to, to pay me some attention. The phrase attention whore comes to mind.
Then finally I started doing other things, I gave up looking, I talked to my kids, I went back to school, I took care of personal business and now I feel totally different. I feel like you said, content, at peace, busy but mostly happy. Now I find myself not even really interested in people who show interest, I think it's too much trouble, I have so much going on and if they're looking maybe there's something wrong with them. They're too needy they want me to fill some unfillable hole in them. I see now what I was I guess. It's kind of scary to see it for what it is. Attention seeking, desperate for a kind word, now I could care less, actually I'm wary of it. I think I'm better, I might be ready to find someone but I'm perfectly happy not to and I'm thinking it sure is easier with me and the kids and no worries about anyone else.
You said: It is all me you see. If I am happy. If I am sad. I choose these things on a daily basis. No one chooses for me. No one makes me do, say, or think anything, unless I choose to allow it.
I say: EXACTLY!!!!!! It is what I have been saying for the last few days in my posts. WE create our own reality. There are endless possibilities!! We can create joy and happiness, or we can choose the victim roll. We are truly only where we want to be.
edited to add something I ran accross: We hold on to stuff out of fear. Fear that if we let go, it will go away. If we hold onto what we have then that is all we have. If you let go, the abundance is flowing and the river of grace flows through you. If we hold onto who we think we are, we cannot ever become who we really are.
love ya Christy
-- Edited by Christy at 00:53, 2007-08-02
__________________
If we think that miracles are normal, we will expect them. And expecting a miracle is the surest way to get one.
It also reminded me that the alcoholic I was married to also felt that she had a broken picker. When I inventoried my part in the disease...She was right!!
Some days I just know that I am not the best person for my wife to be around or anyone else for that matter. The grace comes with the awareness that we can all change when we are honest and are willing to do so.
Thanks David - couldn't agree more. I've wondered about that idea for a long time. What is there in me (neediness? weirdo magnet?) that attracted me to someone who "needed" to be taken care of, but resented it at the same time? Now I get it - it was never my place to step into that role of caretaker, because each one of us must take care of ourselves. That's not to say we shouldn't help when we can, but the help we offer should let the other person accept or decline with dignity. As part of a couple for a long time (until about a month ago), I can look back more clearly and see that we really did chip away at each other's dignity and self-worth - all in the name of "helping". As for the "do I want to be single"? I don't know. It's almost like "the grass is always greener" syndrome. When I was single, I looked at couples and envied them their 'coupledom' - all of the scenes in the movies where they're romping in the snow, holding hands walking down the street, all of the romantic stuff. That's what I wanted. When I was part of a couple, I realized that reality is not a movie and you have to take the bad along with the good. Wow, what a concept - life's not all good I am now at the point where I have to get comfortable being by myself, and I welcome the challenge. I have several friends who are single as well, and as we were talking about our 'uncoupled' state, I began to feel a strength and sense of well-being that I hadn't had before. With my HP guiding me, I think I'll be okay. I have so many things to be grateful for - family, friends, job, home, Alanon and this board, and of course my wonderful dog! I feel so free in knowing that I am in a much healthier place being single than being in a relationship for the sole purpose of not being alone. Sometimes that can be where you are most alone. Anyway, thanks for letting me ramble on. I so appreciate your post! Take care, Marion
__________________
Vocatus atque non vocatus, Deus aderit ("Bidden or not bidden, God is present") - Erasmus
Great share and awesome insight. What it comes down for me, is that I do not define myself by what other people think of me. I have to love me first, for how can I love another if I can't love me? I know people say (and I agree) that it's so much easier for us to love another than it is ourselves. But at the same time, how can I know what love is, if I don't love me? How can I pass it on? Maybe that's why it took A and I 20 years before we finally got it together! lol
Much love and blessings to you and your family. Kiss "da boys" for me.
Live strong, Karilynn & Pipers Kitty
__________________
It's your life. Take no prisoners. You will have it your way.
"Absolutely it is nice to have someone compliment me. But it is no longer necessary."
I see this as no longer necessary to feel "whole" or complete. That's what it's all about, finding someone who will compliment you -- not looking for someone to complete you. Feeling whole on your own and having the bonus of sharing joy with others because we can. It's a nice place to be in
My online Al-Anon friends and I were talking jokingly about this statement recently also. I turned it around to say "My picker is not broken...I can pick perfectly good alcoholic." Yeah, yeah....I know even that sounds a tad derogatory. But I do agree with you. It's all a matter of perspective. When we are in a relationship, is the only thing we are considering about the person their bad qualities? What about the whole person? And what about the reflection on ourselves??? Did I choose someone that was a compliment to what I need in a relationship or did I choose out of desparation?? So many questions that make relationships more complicated than just a "broken picker."
Thanks Davey for the great post.
__________________
Higher Power doesn't always wrap presents in pretty paper.
I am so glad to be able to count you as one my amazing friends (((((((((Pa)))))))). Thanks for your post. And ya best get your hiney back up here for the conference in November!!! LOL
__________________
Let your light shine in the darkness. "I can't just bring my mind to meetings...I must also bring my heart."
