The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
A few days ago my son needed his father, my A, to sign off on some papers. My son is buying my other house he grew up in.
So the A actually agreed to go do it with Mac. Mac went to pick him up and the A would not get into the car with Mac. He has a nice car, is an honorable man. A was paranoid. (A knows Mac was going to do him damage in the past when A physically hurt me A was too chicken to come out of the house he was at.)
So A has his yucky woman take him.I ask Mac,"do they seem like a couple?" He tells me yes and I am naive if I don't think so. She even came into the title company with the A and Mac.
When he told me I wanted to throw up. This woman has never, ever been a lady. Always a slut druggie, ugly and has this nauseating voice. He is ugly now inside and out. Mac said she looked like a very old woman.
Venting I guess. It hit me, why?? I still doubt he is bonking her. But he is living there, she drives him around, they go shopping. I doubt he sees anyone but her. Well her and his heroin dealer. If that, I don't know.
A few weeks ago I started feeling my love gone for him. like my last post. Then I hear this from my son. Who told me he did not like being in the middle and being in any drama. proud of him. NO drama, I told him I need to know if I am free to remarry.
Decided to send him a letter simply asking him to meet me to discuss a divorce. I forgot to put it in the mail box. Next day I was glad as I do not want to look at him or give him the pleasure of looking at, smelling, hearing me.
I keep saying he does not deserve my spit. Becuz he is the disease now. He is never him.
It as like the last bit of thread I had to anyone besides my kids that loved and cared.
Try to think about our wedding and laughing, making love, doing sheet rock, building things, I can't. There is nothing there anymore. If I saw him I would just fall down and cry.
My health sucks. BUT I am losing an average of a pound a week. Just from not eating any junk and all health food, which I love.
My joints are so much better, however my left pelvis is very, very bad. We did xrays and they are not read yet. I saw them and did not see any masses but saw something I was not sure about.
Just praying it is not cancer. It always hurts, hurts horribly when I sit. so I am up and busy a lot. bending over then getting up I could pass out.
sooooo that is where that is.
Been having animal nightmares, part of a sanctuary. But also found a fat yellow chicken with 15 day old cute little yellow balls of feathers. put them in the nursery. so cool.
One of the guinea chicks had the tinest piece of thread on its leg...ya gotta pay attention to everything.
I am wanting to pile some dogs and a pig and a horse into an rv and go away awhile... dream on.
Put a neat canopy up outside.found it for nineteen bucks at a thrift store. Almost brand new! Has the netting and all Soooo for me I have my glider inside that lays into a bed, dragged the dogs mattress in and we sleep out there and look at the stars and moon.
Thank you for letting me vent. I just cannot help it. The thought of MY husband being in his underwear or naked in front of a woman not me the lady, just tears my guts out, eating with her, maybe sleeping with her. Breathing the same air...whatever.
two become one. right. so am I half now?
I keep thinking I want to go away. allllll the time. Just go to heal some, a respit. Feel like I cannot heal until I do. Get away from all the things that remind me of IT all.
Well some good things are happening too. Am working on a great deal where someone is going to invest in my home so I will have lower payments and lower interest.
It is exciting. Hp is good. thank you for listening. My heart goes out to you all.This A trip can sure be a drag.
love,debilyn who just wants to be the old hippie flower child she is.
Just wanted to give you a hug. Don't have much else to say. It's hard moving on.
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~Jen~
"When you come to the edge of all you know you must believe in one of two things... there will be earth on which to stand or you will be given wings." ~Unknown
(((Debilyn))) Honey, I just want to hug you, too. And if what they say about apathy being the opposite of love is true, the love isn't gone yet. I'll be praying the news about the Xray is good, something that can be fixed so you're not in so much pain. That's wonderful news about the house!!
(((Deb))) Am so sorry. I know it hurts like hell. Wish I could stop loving my AH. Wish I had no memories or anything. Even wish I didn't have the good times to think about, they make the bad times more painful. Wish it would all go away. Love in Recovery, Becky1
The whole laying out in the canopy w/the dogs and gazing at the stars sounds so wonderful!! That has got to be just a little slice of heaven in this world of chaos. I think about going out on my deck sometimes at night, laying in my cheap plastic lounge chair and enjoying the night skies. I can see a few stars but mainly the sky is lit by all of the businesses' street lights near. It is ashame that when I lived further out in the country and had a beautiful sky to stare out, I was too wrapped up in the chaos of this disease to realize it was there and make time to enjoy it.
I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers that your x-rays come back w/some positive news. Stay strong. We are here for you.
As far as thinking about your A w/another woman, why torture yourself? It is useless torment. I know it is hard b/c I have to fight bad images too. But we have to fight them b/c we don't deserve the pain they cause us. Let that part of your life go. Concentrate on yourself and all those amazing animals you have and that amazingly mature son you have who realizes he doesn't want any of the drama that comes w/this disease. You are an AWESOME WOMAN!!! Stay strong, stay busy and most of all find happiness and keep it w/you always. :)
You know I am right there with you. Stupid heroin junkies!!!! My A is still in jail and will be out in October. Whenever I try to think of the good times I can't remember anymore. I really want to file for divorce before I get moved so that I can be done with him legally anyway. The thing that gets me is this "Dawn" girl he keeps ending up with. Never seen her, don't know anything about her except that she tolerates him being and addict and I believe she's a drunk. Anyway, that's the thing that bothers me most and I don't think I could ever be with him again knowing the things he has done to get dope or find a place to sleep for the night. I know what you mean about hating to think of him with someone else though but I guess it the old I don't want him but don't want anyone else to have him syndrome. I have to get past this for my own sanity so that I can move on with my life! Here's an idea, rent your house for six mos with the condition they care for your animals, get in the rv and travel the country! Sometimes I think about just saying screw it all pre pay a storage unit for 6 months and take the kids and roam, see the country maybe even the world. Guess that's the hippie chick in me too LOL.
hang in there, these times will past, it is horrible how they can find someone to do everything for them all the time, the title thing would have flipped me out let me tell you, you concentrate on you, and keep venting, its important to let it out
Oh Deb, what else can you feel but this pain (the emotional pain for one). It doesn't matter that she's just a teat for him to latch on to, it's that he's not healthy and with you, it's a grief that needs grieving. Holding this crap in cannot be good for your health anyway.
I know I'm done with my A. I remember the good times off and on, and when I do it hurts. I'd rather it hurt like hell than start changing my mind, tempting me with a reconcilliation perhaps.
You sound very centered and able to enjoy the little things, this is just a bad storm and it will pass. You're doing so good with your diet, just think of how this will knock the diabetes back too.
And who could not feel joy at a mama hen and her 15 babies?
It's devastating to see what this disease does to our beloveds. Grieve away, post it, give it to us and to God. We love you. Kim :)
I do have a question for you. You said that when couples marry, "the two become one". I think that's very romantic, but weren't you a whole person before? You still are - please don't think of yourself as "half".
And do you notice that so often when the A hooks up with another person, they are SO unlike the husband or wife they left? I can't believe that is accidental - for a whole lot of reasons. 1) Misery loves company? 2) What rational person is going to put up with their craziness when they have nothing invested in the relationship? 3) You know the good, sane person he used to be; she thinks this is who he is, so doesn't expect a lot from him. 4) Maybe she's using him as much as he's using her - sort of a mutual desperation society.
And you're right to be proud of your son. You raised him well. If he can recognize and refuse to get involved in other people's drama, YOU DONE GOOD!
Take care, and enjoy the stars with the pooches! Marion
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Vocatus atque non vocatus, Deus aderit ("Bidden or not bidden, God is present") - Erasmus
I know so much how you feel. When I first found out my ex husband was cheating on me I too could NOT believe it!!!! How could he after all that we shared? And, it was the same scenario...I was a respectable LADY (which is why he MARRIED me) and she was the lowlife street slut. Oh, and he also was a drug addict...this behavior must be typical.
He told me there was nothing going on between them, and me, being an honorable person at the time could not comprehend such dishonor in someone else, so I believed him. What a fool I was! I was the town laughing stock for quite some time! Friends and even HIS family could take it no longer and worked hard to make me see what a fool he was playing me for.
FINALLY my head overruled my heart (which still has trouble believing it) and I woke up and divorced him, much to the relief of my friends and family.
Would you believe I still have this war going on between my heart and my head? My heart still says he could not do that to me, but my head must look at the facts...and listen to "witnesses" (like your son told you what he saw). It took time, but finally my head overruled.
Of course it was someone older, who had seen much in life and had more wisdom than I to make me really see the truth.
My mom pointed out to me that unless they are on their deathbed, extremely mentally ill, or extraordinarily honorable, moral, and unmarried (which is exceedingly rare) most men are going to be having sex and OFTEN. And if there is an available woman around willing...they are going to be having sex as much as the woman will let them.
I know it hurts dear friend, but he is living with a WOMAN on purpose...if he is trying to be so faithful to you, why not shack up with a guy friend? Or sleep in a corner somewhere with a family member?
The drugs just make the nature of men worse, they get less choosy, any available woman will do. If that woman lets him live with her, there is a reason for that too...she must want him.
The truth hurts, but I think lies hurt MORE.
When my ex husband was running around on me and I was oblivious, I could hear the snickers when shopping etc. and that HURT. Once I finally woke up to the truth and divorced my husband, I held up my head a LOT higher and the snickering stopped. I went from being pitied to being admired and respected...that hurt LESS. That was over a decade ago and people in my small town still mention it, and how happy they were when I finally wizened up! LOL!
Oh, that thing about people getting their just desserts is true. My ex husband never respected that hussy for agreeing to have an affair with him while married to me and he treated her like dirt. She got pregnant and he refused to marry her after our divorce, told her she was not good enough for him. Told her that I was the only person worthy of being his wife and he should never have lost me. She got tired of being treated as second choice and they broke up, she was so scorned she ended up moving away. He too he moved away because everyone thought he was a jerk and treated him like one!
You will be blessed Debilyn for doing the right thing and taking the high road. I know I was, nothing beats having a child who is proud of you, and being able to go to parent teacher conferences with your head held high for being a respectable adult in the community because YOU did the right thing, even when those around you were total immoral jerks.
Remember, what goes around comes around...and as long as you remain honest, upright, and honorable, good things will keep coming your way!
Makes the difference between a good day and a bad day for most of us....