The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Sometimes here and there I find myself beating me up for sticking with this as long as I did. I have been with an A or addict or both for the past 14 years of my life. Here I am 36 with 3 kids, a single mom and no prospects and not even enough interest even if I found one. I get a lot of if only's. If only I would have chosen more wisely earlier on before all of this, when I was younger and thinner and didn't have kids. If only I'd given up on them sooner, ran not walked away faster, ran at the first sign of a problem rather than trying to fix it. If only I hadn't been afraid to be alone, to be poorer, to be responsible. Maybe I would have kept my kids from being affected, or have less debt or a better career? I think now 36 is just about middle aged and I have little to show for it. No house, no retirement savings, no college fund for the kids, no shopping at the mall, only the thrift store. Why did I choose this path? To have 3 children, raised in isolation, no family, no friends, no male role model, just me and them, Why?
Sometimes I think of all the good too, thank god for those 3 kids who are mostly healthy and happy and have no idea what I have to go through for them, who don't understand why they can't shop at the mall while their friends do, or go on field trips or outings. Well, not yet anyway, but they're learning. If I have to say "No that costs too much" or sorry we can't afford that, we don't have the money one more time I'm going to SCREAM! I feel guilty and I feel like their suffering is MY fault for choosing so poorly. Bad men, low paying career, so many kids. But back to the good, we get by, the bills are paid except for that truck which I REFUSE to pay for. We are going to Orlando in October, we go to the beach and movies and have fun still. Just once I'd like to have something in life that isn't a tradeoff. Just pure good, I didn't have to give anything up for it. I used to think of the A as a plan B, I could always go back to him if I couldn't make it. I don't feel that way anymore. I couldn't tolerate living with him again. We only get to do this once and life's too short to be with someone who makes you miserable and I don't want to waste another minute of it on people who are unworthy of my time! Just venting.
Today I am at peace with the fact that life doesn't care. I realize that if I am to live, then I will have trials and tribulations and IF I AM TO LIVE then I have to decide to be happy anyway. The pushups I do when facing the consequences of my decisions allow me to grow stronger and it is up to me to include like minded people in my life who can support me in this.
Turn your problems over to your HP, work the steps, and find ways to include others in your life. AND, don't wait for Orlando to feel better, you can choose to be happy before you even leave!
You know I spoke to the a's uncle last night. I found that so helpful. I think there is a perspective there. No doubt the A you were with was loveable. they do have good qualities. I can't say when it is that anyone should leave, ought to leave, might leave or whatever. For me I had to try till I could not try anymore. I dont' judge what people do when they do it and necessarily how they do it.
I am 52 also don't have much to show for my life. I'm in debt to my ears will be for years. The A just destroyed the truckk. It is fixable but I doubt (a) the other parties insurance company will fix it and (b) he'll just crash it again. He has tickets and god knows what else up to his ears. He is still in denial about his driving.
I think for me the relationship with the A has been seminal in showing me my codependence. I have and sitll can have tremendous issues with codependence.
i don't actually think anymore you need tons of money, resources to be happy. One couple who live in my house have little money. The woman has just recovered from an aneurysm, he took off work for months to be with her and see her through it. They have very very little but they are happy and kind to each other. I'd settle for that.
We sometimes have to change our expectations. I can seep in resentment at the A or I can set limits. I allowed him recently to let me down again. This time I take my part in it. I should never have allowed him to get his own way one more time. I've stopped that now. I set limits, I back off.
I've seen yuou come a long long way in a short time. Who knows what is around the corner for you. I know I want it all now and I can set myself up by saying I need this now. What I actually need most of the time is to take it one day at a time.
The saying "Look back but don't stare" comes to mind. We all wish we would have made different choices. Hindsight is 20/20. The past is kind of like the alcoholic, the 3C's apply. It is what it is, unchangeable. Although we certainly don't have to keep doing the same thing. The question is: Are we going to move forward and recreate or stand frozen and stare back ? You're absolutely right, life is just too darn short to stand staring.
I truly do believe what my signature line says. We create what we think about. The previous choices made up our past, just as future choices will make our future. We choose and create every moment, every action, every reaction of our own. Somewhere along the way we forget that. We tend to think someone else has made us a victim (not saying you do, just rambling). Even when we are abused (this will ruffle some feathers), our actions have led us to that abuse. It's not the actual abuse that we create, but the paths and choices we chose to be with that person, hence, creating our reality.. I can honestly say (looking back) that when it happened to me, I felt it coming and ignored the whispers and nudges. I knew my first husband was a out of control hothead. I had a choice to get the hell away before it happened but I didn't. I listened to my heart and allowed it to take first place over my God given instincts.
I've often heard that those lil whispers, instincts and flashes of knowing are our inner selves/souls, our HP, Source, God, whatever you choose to call it. It's the same thing.. We just have to remember to listen and acknowledge.
To put it simply, as a child Oprah said she always knew she was destined for greatness. This coming from a dirt poor black child in the 60's. To me this proves three things. The KNOWING, LISTENING and DOING is a key to the life we want. If you KNOW good things will happen then you subconsciously propell yourself toward that thing. How many of us would be here if we had said "I am going to do or be _____ with my life. I have an inner guiding vision and people and things like ____ will never shatter it. I'm teaching my Grandchildren this now. We are starting with "happiness". If they choose happiness they will instinctively turn away from those things that "feel" bad. All the while they are learning to listen to their feelings and whispers. Feelings are a wonderful gage.
I wish I would have learned this a looooong time ago. I'm sure grateful that I know it now!! I don't have to feel as if my life was sabatoged or I am a victim. I take full responsibility now, these were my life choices. Through much searching and reading I know now how it works. There is a big shift going on worldwide to this awareness. Feel free to PM me for books with more info.
I realize this could appear to be a bit out there, so, as usual...take what you like and leave the rest.
Christy
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If we think that miracles are normal, we will expect them. And expecting a miracle is the surest way to get one.
I think as a mom we have to think of the what if's. I usually don't get any further then the first few thoughts because if I hadn't taken this path then I would not have had my children and I wanted them more then anything in the world. I figure it like this too, even if we lived in a tent in the woods and had nothing, would it be that bad??? I don't think so. We love each other and we laugh and play ect. We shop Wal-mart alot. lol But we look good ;) I was raised diving in good will bens that were on the street for clothes. We actually had a blast taking home all those clothes and sorting through them. It was like Christmas. I am afraid to be too ungrateful for what life dealt me because God could take away one of your children at the drop of a hat so I won't complain and I will love everything I have and don't have. I'm 35 and life isn't over for us girl, we can change it right now if we wanted. We CHOSE to be where we are at. I'm actually going back to school in Aug because I am ready for it now. I could not have said that a year ago. Good things will happen if you want it bad enough. Your kids have a great mom who took them out of harms way.......WHAT IF..they didn't have you? :)
Okay CG- I've got to disagree. I'm 46, have had RA for 20 years, wake up a lot of mornings stiff and in pain but I refuse to be middle-aged! My kids (8, 6 and 4) keep me young, as I'm sure yours do, too. My kids are getting used to "we don't have the money for that" too. But I'd rather have them learn to manage what they have now, and learn to live debt free.... Not an easy lesson, but a very valuable one.
After my father passed away, my mother remarried. We didn't understand at the time that my stepfather was an alcoholic, because he only drank on the weekends. But the behaviors, as I look back, screamed alcoholism. Much of why she remarried was to make sure that we (her five children) had a roof over our heads and food on the table, and that we didn't want for things. During the worst times, I would have given up all of that for peace of mind. He passed away in 1996, and for the last years of his life, he did develop a good relationship with us, so I'm grateful to my HP for that. But in thinking about your kids - do you think that they would rather shop at the mall and dread coming home to a house that was in an uproar because an alcoholic was pushing everyone's buttons, or shop at a Goodwill (my favorite place!) and come home to a serene, safe, and loving environment? I know which one I would have chosen, if I'd been given the option!
You're a great mom, and your kids can feel it.
Take care, Marion
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Vocatus atque non vocatus, Deus aderit ("Bidden or not bidden, God is present") - Erasmus
