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hi all,been awhile since i posted..as you all know i left my SAH in jan went to live back up north in ny..came back here in march to take care of the house,and things,and had a long talk to SAH{who was in treatment in gainesville fl but moved in with a long term AAER THE BEGINNING OF APRIL}decided at that time that i was still very much inlove with my SAH and we got back together..during the time i went back to ny{the end of march to get things together to move back to florida}he wanted me to come back so we could look for an apartment for us,then all of sudden in the beginning of may he said that i should get an apartment for myself cause he was told that he should stay where he is for at least a year......i came back to florida on june 14,{cause we lost our house and we had to take care of the paper work}we spent as much time together as we could,well i did some snooping and found that he had a rubber in his wallet asked him about it and he said he had it in case he got lucky, that rubber came up missing sometime between june25 and july 1 i asked him if he threw it away and he said no well then i did more snooping and i looked on his cell phone on july 2 and he had sent some woman by the name brandy a love meter and it said his name and hers,this was sent on april 29 and on this day it was in his recent calls that he called her at 1am in the morning{a month after we got back together}and this was the same time i sent him 4000.00$....i asked him about this and he said it was nothing ,and that he just wanted to get in her you know what..well we havent been together but 2 times since i got back here on june 14..what i want to know is why do they lie..why not tell the truth,whenever i bring the subject up he gets very mad..i just want the truth..i wrote this girls number down because he had it on his cell phone..should i call her and try to get to the truth,if i dont this is going to eat at me..he doesnt hug me or kiss me or anything no i love yous unless i say it...when i left ny on june 14 he didnt know i was coming till i was halfway here....i still love him but the truth needs to come out so i can get past this..i guess he is afraid to tell me the truth cause he may think i will leave..we are in an apartment,he moved in the same time i did,he is sleeping on the couch and im sleeping in the loveseat,we dont have a bed yet..but everytime i say something about getting a bed he has every excuse to not get one............ok has anyone had this problem when thier AH was in treatment and how did you deal with it{should i talk to his counselor about this maybe she can get him to admit what he did}i just dont think we are going to be able to get anywhere and build a strong marriage again or his recovery unless he admits the truth i know this is eating at me and im sure the quilt is eating at him....what should do...................................sorry this so long everyone
My esh with my AHsober is that he never tells the truth. It just kills him to reveal himself. He has moved out and is not in any program and it just seems to get worse and worse. So I focus on myself knowing my truth. I love my AHsober very much but I am learning that love has nothing to do with it.
Unfortunately honesty isn't high on the list with A's. It's hard to say if it is "what he did" or "what he is doing". Watch the actions instead of trying to believe the words is the best suggestion I can make.
Christy
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If we think that miracles are normal, we will expect them. And expecting a miracle is the surest way to get one.
Sounds to me like you already know the truth, hon. Part of our recovery is learning to trust our own intuition. We don't always have to be told the truth to recognise it. Trust yourself. You will know what to do when the time comes.
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~Jen~
"When you come to the edge of all you know you must believe in one of two things... there will be earth on which to stand or you will be given wings." ~Unknown
You know, sometimes we know the truth even when we really don't want to. And sometimes, we don't need the person who is causing the hurt in our lives to admit they are causing it - we know. You need to trust your own sane and rational self and do whatever is best for you.
The energy that you are using hoping that he admits his transgressions to you is tremendous. If he does admit to what you already suspect, will that make the hurt and distrust less? More? Will it help you to move forward, or is that something you are presently doing for yourself anyway? Do you need him to admit it, or do you need him to feel remorse and guilt? I don't know what your answers are, because I don't know what my answers would be in a similar situation - but I hope that the focus of Al-Anon will guide us in making sure that our attention is primarily focused on getting ourselves well and strong, regardless of what others may be doing in their own self-deceptive worlds.
However you pursue this, know that my thoughts and hugs are with you!
Take care, Marion
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Vocatus atque non vocatus, Deus aderit ("Bidden or not bidden, God is present") - Erasmus
