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In a previous post I spoke of the Open House for our new business building tomorrow and my concern that my AHsober's affair (an active A) will be there. Ultimately, I was hoping it was a fear -based hypothetical situation. Well, he asked me today if she were to show up with her friend (also a former employee) would that be okay (or something like that). Of course I didn't just give a simple answer and I assured him that while I wouldn't make a scene, I will very politely let her know I am there and introduce her to his family, and I will too! It went downhill from there. I guess it was just the evidence I needed to prove that he is still a very sick man and that I need to be done. He has put me (and his staff) through hell. They can't stand her either, nor did she get a mailed invitation. How could he even ask? He is not working a program, but talks with this A girlfriend instead. Her life is a train wreck and his will be soon. He is in total denial about being an A and even described "her" as just "someone who shouldn't drink". Huh? When he left tonight I asked him if there were going to be any uninvited guests and he specifically said, "no, no uninvited guests", but now I am thinking I shoud have asked for guests who are "not welcome by me" instead. And the torture continues....
Lou
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Every new day begins with new possibilities. It's up to us to fill it with the things that move us toward progress and peace. ~ Ronald Reagan~
Sometimes what you want to do has to fail, so you won't ~Marguerite Bro~
Hi Lou, Use what you have - class, common sense, the steps, and the knowledge that we are all sending you experience, support, and hope. And IF she shows up, perhaps one of those dribble glasses if you need to offer her some punch...just a thought. Hugs and prayers with you!
Marion
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Vocatus atque non vocatus, Deus aderit ("Bidden or not bidden, God is present") - Erasmus
Thank you for your kind words and thoughts. Here's the thing, I am so new to this that I don't know what my tools are. Just so you know, I am not one who likes to draw attention to myself and I hate conflict. I really don't want to jeopardize our business, I just don't want to enable my AH anymore. I am starting to hate myself for allowing such emotional abuse. I guess I just needed the proof of what you all have been saying which is, not drinking/using is not what makes one "sober". In the long conversation/fight I had with my AH yesterday it was clear how much in denial and how sick he still really is.
Oh and Marion, in regards to that dribble glass... a couple of months ago at a school auction I was in a situation where I was with a couple of friends and "she" was walking with some guy behind us. No one else was around and I accidentally turned around and "tripped", throwing wine all over her front. Then, I ran behind the curtain into the crowd. Am I proud? No, not really. Do I regret it? Only that the wine wasn't red. It was waay better than a dribble glass.
I'll be holding on to all of you today.
Love,
Lou
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Every new day begins with new possibilities. It's up to us to fill it with the things that move us toward progress and peace. ~ Ronald Reagan~
Sometimes what you want to do has to fail, so you won't ~Marguerite Bro~
My AHsober moved out 2 years ago. We work for the same company only in two different states and see each other occasionally at meetings. He has not filed for divorce but acts single. People ask me all the time about him and us and wasn't that him I saw at the bar. He doesn't hear it as much because he moved away. I am embarass at times for myself because I am the one left behind. I am learning to separate his issues from mine.
So sorry to hear the pain and confusion in your words. Foe me I know I can get so confused when I try and reconcile his reality and mine. I am left with only two things...my own inner voice and wisdom and my HP. I find when I trust those things alone and focus on me (not him at all) the answers I come to and the peace I feel are very strong.
Just to share, my now ex was sober 7months before we finally called it quits. What I came to realize was that my life was just as unmanageable when he was sober or not....his behaviors and words hurt my spirit on a daily basis and I wanted a happier less hurtful life for me and my kids. In his sobriety, he spent a lot of time with A women, calling it service work, not allowing me into these new friendships because I was not part of AA. I could not accept that as authentic working of his program....perhaps that is too judgemental, but being out with other women in public and leaving your partner behind is disrespectful and embarassing and dishonors the kind of love I felt. Sober,using, nonaddicted....no matter what, that behavior and my feelings in response are not what I choose and I think are unacceptable in any relationship.
I wish you peace....take care of and listen to YOU. Fifi
Update on the Open House. She did not come! Whew! Apparently my AH knew I was serious, so that alone is victory for me. The day was a wonderful success, with about 200+ people coming through. We acted like a happy couple and I was introduced as his wife. Lots of kudos, and happy comments. A bit hard to take sometimes and I ws thinking "if you only knew...") but overall it was good. Ended the night with dinner with my AH's brother and sil who flew in from Utah to surprise him. A few bottles of wine at dinner (bro had asked if it was ok earlier in day) and I chose just to drink water with my AH. It's a gesture that I am sure is not appreciated as sincerely as I offer it, but I believe that as long as I am married I owe him that respect. My in-laws offered to take my kids back to Utah to visit. They want all three, and contemplating the idea made me cry. Under "normal"circumstances my husband and I could have a wonderful week together, but given where we are I can't fathom sending all my kids away. My days and nights would be unbearably long. Wierd, never would I have thought I'd think that way. My H came up with the idea that I go too. Now I need to make an immediate decision, which is to just send my older to (10 and 14) or go along as well with the youngest (2.5). I am not used to being so spontaneous, but I think it would be good to all go. I don't know the details, but I do know my in-laws have been to hell and back in thier marriage and that it could be a therapeutic and healthy experience for me. The kids would have a great time with thier cousins, whom they hardly even know. I will pray to my HP (who I call God) tonight and base my decision on the cost of the plane tickets. We'd need to be ready to leave by mid-morning tomorrow. Yikes!
Thak you for your kind words of encouragement. They meant a lot!
Love,
Lou
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Every new day begins with new possibilities. It's up to us to fill it with the things that move us toward progress and peace. ~ Ronald Reagan~
Sometimes what you want to do has to fail, so you won't ~Marguerite Bro~
