The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
One of the two aunts I have been caring for over the last 2 1/2 years abruptly began an argument wtih me. It was over a blouse that she claimed her friend in the senior citizen complex gave her. I gently suggested to her that I had purchased it downstairs in the consignment store because that is how I relate to her, in a gentle fashion. She suddenly was consumed with anger (actually rage) again stating her friend gave it to her. Well, before this began, a friend of mine who shops with me was asked by my aunt to try the blouse on to see if it fit her. This same woman was with me when it was purchased.
This woman is legally blind and has needed her wardrobe replaced in its entirety. Clothes were stained and faded (she is unable to do laundry-her sister with Alzheimers did it until her admission to a nursing faciility). So the time was taken to renew her wardrobe keeping in mind that she lived on a meager pension. Her anger and reaction has left me stunned.
What is painful is that the family has no parameters on each other. Her behavior was totally inappropriate and the few members remaining in the family allow her to go on saying nothing to her.
I have resigned from being the primary caretaker and opted to pass her care, shopping, meds, bills on to my brother-in-law, who by not saying anything to her about her inappropriate behavior allows her to believe her behavior was acceptable. None of them have recovery, so I know I am going to Filenes for milk here.
I did have the opportunity to share with her that I could not accept her behavior and that I am not anyone's convenience or their whipping boy b/c they are having a bad day. What hurts the most is that the nephew meets with her daily now to take her out (he has assumed her care) and refuses to say anything. Then again, he told me my a (his brother) was "just drinking" with a few babes while on conventions year after year until I found the pictures.
I feel used, but I also know this family has no boundaries, enable each other, defend, protect and say nothing when parameters are violated.
Guess I need to keep expectations realistic-nothing changes, if nothing changes. I must always be alert to the "isms" of this disease, guess I let my defenses down. Two and a half years of conscientious care deserves more than this treatment.
It reminds me of Courage to Change, page 252. "If I continue to do what I have always done, I will continue to get what I have always gotten." This tells me to be alert and not forget the insidiousness of this disease. The comfort level of inapproprite behavior reigns until denial is acknowledged amd recovery is sought.
The disease is sad and insidious I always remind myself when it rears its ugly head. I like the saying "if you don't want to be a doormat, get up off the floor."
An alanon friend shared this with me, and I thought I'd share it with you.
They may see the good you do as self serving. Continue to do good.
They may see your generosity as grandstanding. Continue to be generous.
They may see your warn and caring nature as a weakness. Continue to be warm and caring.
For you see, in th ened, it is between you and your God. It never was between you and them anyway.
love in recovery, Maria
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If I am not for me, who will be? If I am only for myself, then who am I? If not now, when?
Yes, it crossed my mind dementia could be the "underlying" cause. However, it has been escalating towards me and I think I pose a threat to her independence more than anything. She resentsanything may not totally agree with her on.
Most of all, the family pattern continues: no one cares to speak up about the unacceptable behavior, except me. They are so enmeshed with one another that they see only each other's needs. I have to remember, I am just "by marriage" as they see it. Interesting how I am also the one who stepped up to the plate to care for these two aunts who never married. but were generous to nieces and nephews.
Self-care is my goal. Perhaps she needs another caretaker for the next 2 1/2 years. Let the dysfunction continue amonst themselves.
It has been a pattern for decades into generations. Six uncles on one side and four on another succumbed to alcoholism all under 50 years of age, leaving children confused and fatherless.
We've visited the graves-looked at the ages, did the "math" and it wreaks of the disease and its isms.
Dementia or not, I deserved more from the sidelines. If they couldn't contribute to her care, they should have honored my hurt, but I can't go the hardware store for milk.
Hi Nan, I agree that they "should" have honored your hurt, especially since they were not helping and she is their blood relative, not yours. But you said it yourself - there is no "should" that is honored when there are so many "isms" involved, particularly when there is a LONG line of dysfunctional behaviors in that family. That's how they have coped, and unless there is a reason for them to change their dynamics, that is probably how they will continue to cope. Forget what they should do - they ain't gonna! Take care of yourself - if you want to support this aunt-by-marriage, do so. If it is causing you distress, think of another way to support them, if you can - just continue to make sure it is on your terms, not theirs. Take care, Marion
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Vocatus atque non vocatus, Deus aderit ("Bidden or not bidden, God is present") - Erasmus
You know you did right by her, and it's more blessed to give than receive. Between you and your God, I'm sure he/she/it has one hand up for a high five for you.
If we can't convince the A to stop drinking/using/being irresponsible and selfish, we can't expect ourselves to be able to stop anyone from doing anything. Take that high five and know you are a compassionate, kind lady, we sure know it :)
Today I attended a reception for a dear friend where this aunt was also. I approached the table where she sat with her nephew ( the one assuming her care) and greeted them with a gracious hello. Her nephew responded and she turned her head away from me. After getting my food, I proceeded to sit at the table and engaged in conversation whereby there was no response from her and a distant resonse from her nephew. Fortunately, the speakers began their delivery so it lessened the need to force conversation. My husband was appalled at her reception of me and picked up on it right away.
Thanks for your feedback and suggestions. My husband took me out to dinner this evening and he shared how this aunt behaved meanly to him as a child, laughing at someone grabbing a towel from his waist when leaving the shower at the age of ten as well as mixing his spaghetti in a blender when he wouldn't eat it and making him drink it while she had him on vacation at a friend's house. Interesting-he never shared this with me before.
I continue to thank God for the opportunity to give to her as long as I did. I will love her through prayer and ask my HP to bless her and heal her where she needs it.
Now, my Mondays in particular are free where I can bless others in some good way and esp those who will appreciate it. Oh how life is a journey-perhaps another indication that our HP wants to be #1 in our life so He gently reminds me humans are fallible.
I will sleep with a clear conscience knowing it is "between me and God" and that I did a great job while caring for her. Now, I leave the rest to God to heal, nurture and relieve the hurt.
Nanuke, I enjoy your reads in the room here and our chat. This format, however, lets us show another side of ourself, that the other room does not let us see.
One room shows our wisdom and this room shows vulnerability. It is wise for you to lay your cards on the table regarding the family condition, in that the family of origin can and often does have overlapping boundaries, or no boundaries, which is a fine place to rest if one is not working program or has no idea that healing has an option to choose.
I have had to distance myself from my family who are practiced in the art of denial, hiding behind their anger, god, drink, drug and you catch my drift.
It was great to see u in the room the other day and hear you and to find you here is awesome
