The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Hey everyone - I just wanted to let you know that I am feeling much better today. I am coming out of my gloom from yesterday. When I got off of work, I had a good 30 minute cry in the car on my way to pick up my daughter from my sister's house. I felt much better after that. And I did lots of thinking too.
I decided that I don't want to see or talk to my AH any more. At least not for a while. It will put in a small inconvenience as I will have to dodge him constantly. But I don't plan on making it easy for him to see me or the kids right now. I am not going to be at home all the time where he can just swing in. If I hear he plans on coming over, I will thwart the visit by letting those who do talk to him know that I won't be there so he shouldn't bother. I did that just last night. He was using a visit w/the kids as an excuse to get out of going to a meeting w/his mom & grandma. I said I wouldn't be there for him to see the kids.....that we'd be out until late so he couldn't come. Of course, he still didn't go to the meeting. Whatever. Not my problem.
I talked to his stepdad last night and he told me that my AH took the gun safe out of the storage unit & sold it for his drugs on Thurs. It makes sense. Thurs is when he was going to cut my grass but didn't. I had noticed though that someone had moved the keys I had left outside for him. It had the key to my shed, under my house and the storage unit we are renting. Everything was where it should be in my shed & under the house. The storage unit is where the safe was.....and there is no telling what else is gone from there. It was a stupid mistake I made but only reinforced my thoughts that I cannot trust him at all with anything. So it was almost a blessing that he did that. It is one less thing I have to worry with moving and selling and it opened my eyes a little more. Of course I don't know how much wider they can get. How many more things can he do that completely shock me? I have to admit to that I am letting my imagination go wild as to what I think he has and will do. That way when I get word of it, I won't be so set back as I was when I found out he was shooting cocaine w/a needle.
So today is going to have me VERY BUSY. I have to go to the grocery store, buy the kids' there school supplies, buy a new push mower so I can work on my yard, go to my storage unit and inventory all in there and maybe make a load of boxes to my house (whatever can fit in my trunk of my little car), feed my MIL cats b/c she decided to leave town today for the weekend, clean my house and find some time to read my new Harry Potter book. Plus I figure the busier I stay the better.
So I am snapping out of it today and feeling much better. I still have loads of anger and resentment towards my AH but I am feeling stronger. Thank you all for being here for me and helping me break through that gloom from yesterday. I don't know what I would do w/out y'all. I find my strength in every one of you. Y'all are amazing folks and I hope you all realize that.
I relate to your "letting your imagination run wild" as to what he has and will do. I found that my imagination, limited by my experiences, could not approach what my A DID do, but it still helped me take in the truth without shock. Anger yes, but little surprise.
I found that my A did not respect any boundary I put up, even the restraining order until I called the sheriff each and every time he violated it. You have a plan for today, and it's a busy one, but just remember it's not your fault or your problem when he shows up anyway. You know he will, eventually. Have you thought through your plans then? I made the best of plans but my A was hellbent on his own agenda.
Just remember he won't act like a normal human being. Let your imagination run loose on that a little, and take precautions as you see fit :)
Crack, coke, meth . . . it just ruins them. With my A being gone now almost two months, I am astounded at how I continued to match his craziness with my own (dwindling) sanity until I finally had enough. My A was NOT the man I was trying to deal with through all this, my husband was gone . . . it looked like him, talked like him, but it was definitely not him. It made it easier for me to let him go.
You are in my prayers, and thanks for updating us :) Kim
I am so glad you are feeling better. I ,too, have been in a serious funk the past couple days and found myself not only grieving for myself, but for all of us here on MIP. Lots of tears. Makes me just want to disappear. I understand what you mean about letting your imagination go wild in order to protect your emotions. I do that all the time too.
Good for you in terms of controlling your contact with your spouse. I have found that when I do that the relationship shifts some, but then when he starts "coming around" I find myself going back into the old behavior patterns again. Frustrating! I will really feel accomplished in the program when I can stop doing that. Hopefully it won't take years. Awareness is the first step, right?
Sounds like you have a busy and productive day planned. Make sure you squeeze in that book! You are a strong woman. I admire how you turn your unfortuante episodes into learning lessons. I am not quite there yet, but am trying.
Well, I am off to pick blackberries, get a haricut and then plan a small bday celebration for my son tonight. That should get me through until early afternoon anyhow
Have a good day.
Love, Lou
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Every new day begins with new possibilities. It's up to us to fill it with the things that move us toward progress and peace. ~ Ronald Reagan~
Sometimes what you want to do has to fail, so you won't ~Marguerite Bro~
Sometimes, for me too, the biggest changes have come after I've had the hardest cries. I'm sorry you've been having a hard time lately. I'm really proud of you. Maybe you can get to the dojo? I know that's something you're proud of, you're athleticism.
Hi QOD, So happy to hear that you're feeling better today. I agree with Tiger - sometimes a good cry helps you feel like you're starting anew. Stay busy...but remember, it's the weekend...you're supposed to relax and enjoy the peace and quiet. I'm sure that with kids, you have all the peace and quiet you need. Hee...hee...hee! Take care, Marion
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Vocatus atque non vocatus, Deus aderit ("Bidden or not bidden, God is present") - Erasmus
Thank you so much for all of the encouragement and uplifting. Y'all are so awesome. I know I say that all of the time but it is so true. We are amazing people. All of us. We have these roadblocks on the road to our happiness and we blast through them w/each others help. Sometimes it takes us a bit longer to get through some than others but it is always well worth it in the end. Thanks again.
Sounds like it's time for a storage unit sale!!! Better you sell it and get the money than him shoot it or snort it or whatever he's doing. We all make stupid mistakes of trusting the A, eventually the brick hits you in the head and you feel it and step away I guess. I have noticed that I have been MUCH MUCH MUCH better with no communication at all from the A. Sounds like you know what you want and where you're going so stay strong! Definitely BUSY will save you! I am working 30 hpw, going to school taking 2 classes, and raising 3 kids. I barely ever even think about the A anymore as you can probably tell from my posts which very rarely ever mention him anymore. THIS TOO SHALL PASS!
Hee...hee...hee!