The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
You know how we say we wish we did not love them anymore?
It has happened to me. I cannot find it inside me anymore. It has made me feel pretty empty. Felt good to love him for thirty seven years. I have never known a time of not loving and longing for him.
I know him living with that gross woman has really broken my heart. Makes me nauseated. I know what makes him be there. Just no longer matters to me anymore.
All I know is I am getting over middle age now to sorta old. My body hurts very badly sometimes and my husband is not here to help me and me help him.
Being very independant was great, putting in windows myself, or even just knowing if I had to, I could build a whole cabin alone.
Or that at my age I am still picking up hay and stacking it. Yet I am very feminine and sensitive.
But feeling sorta real awful. The pain is getting me down. Last night an old man friend called me . We talked for hours.We had not talked for eight years. Was really nice.
I yakked so much I embarrassed myself. Have not talked to anyone since January when my adoptive mom, best friend died.
He used to party, but always had a great personality. Said he has not drank for years now. Just got sick of it. Sounded good.
Made me all the more sad. I tell younger married people to get thru the hard stuff in your twenties and up. If it is over dumb stuff, keep it together. Becuz when you get fifty and up, it all changes, you really need each other.The love and commitment all becomes very clear.
I feel so sad I guess becuz of how vulinerable things have become for me.
But told my son the truth so he really understands how much I need him and really hate having to.
Have thought about moving far away with my animals so I am not a burden. Its hard to have been so independant to being in pain and really not doing so hot.
things are better, but also worse, so anyway, it will be ok.
It's tough either way I guess. Hurts If we love them or not. I'm going through the "I wish I never felt like this about him", I'm hurting so much today, I feel rejected by a long time friend. I'm doing all I can to keep going, but It never leaves you, these feelings.
Last night I lay on my bed and cried, I had not been doing this. I feel like I'm falling back down again, and He's not there to pull me up.
I have thought about NOT loving anyone, and then I can't keep getting hurt....lol
Maybe It's just normal right...
BIG (((((((((((((((((((((Hugs)))))))))))))))) to you.
lots of emotions in your post - those are tough to process.
Please don't forget in all your busy times taking care of everything, all the animals, the house and the hay - please don't forget to take good care of you.
Glad you were able to talk with an old friend,
Wishing you Serenity & Joy, Rita
__________________
No matter what me and my God are going to be ok, even better than OK -
Debilyn, you may feel this way today but you never know if your HP will bring you something tomorrow that is worth it all, ya know? Do you live far away from a place where you can meet some new friends? Bingo? Classes? Art? Anything like that? I can totally relate to feeling foolish on a phone call. I am with my children 24/7 and when I get on the phone (pretty much with anyone) I talk their ear off! It's nice to hear that your son is with you here and there. That means you were a great mother ;) Hun, I really think you need to get out and go to something to make yourself feel better. Take yourself to a movie that's uplifting. You need your self esteem lifted. You shouldn't be thinking that you are a burden. I'm speaking from experience. It's easy to let depression take ahold of you, it's hard to go out and do something nice for yourself. Feels like it takes too much energy and then you get to thinking "why bother"? Because I am here to tell you.........YOUR WORTH IT! My mom is 70 and she is the toughest woman I know and she has not had a serious relationship in 35 years. She's happy, beautiful and knows it. lol (she makes me mad though) but she knows she's worth it. She's not going to just lay down and die or let some man define who she is. I hope that your day/night goes better. Keep us posted. mwah
(((deb))) I know how you feel, although I have only loved my AH for 20 years, even during the time we were split up and I got "married" (ugh!) to someone else, whom I did not love. He was always in my heart and mind. For today, we are still together, but who knows what tomorrow will bring. I try to not dwell on it. I have struggled, too, with wanting to love/not wanting to love him anymore. I am still in the place of loving him, so far it has never stopped, and I don't know why, for the life of me. By all reason, I should have stopped long ago. During the hurtful things he has said, saying he doesn't love me anymore, the drama, the screaming (on his part, not on mine.) I don't know why I still love him. I wonder what HP has in store for me. One day at a time, I guess. I know exactly how you feel about the getting older part....I am 53, my AH is 50. We are both feeling it. It sucks. I can handle the graying hair, I can color it....I can use cream to hold the wrinkles at bay for a while....but the aches and pains....ugh. There are days when I am needing help or just wanting help in or around the house, but he chooses to sit on the deck and drink a 12 pack in the evening. Gets very frustrating at times, esp. when I'm not feeling good or too tired. That is where my Alanon comes in handy. Wish I could give you a big hug, lady. You know, even though my AH is still "here" in body, doesn't mean he is still "here"! Hurts sometimes just as badly as having him gone. Keep up the good work, take it a day at a time. From one granny to another.... Love in Recovery, Becky1
Deb, You responded to my post a couple of months ago in a private message that I just now read. That was so thoughtful of you, and it meant a lot to me that someone took my problem seriously. You told me there were replies to my post, and when I read them, I felt like I was no longer alone. I hate to hear that you are not doing well, and my prayers are with you. You are a special lady.
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