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Been quite an intense week for me. I am looking back at a lot of things in my life. Things that have happened, good and bad. Things I have done, or not done, should have or could have. People I have had in my life or have in my life today.
I done something the other day I would not usually do. I had an argument with my mum, and sister, and I Threw a plate against the wall, screamed and shouted F**k off, get out of my life. I am NOW deeply ashamed of my behavour, I had no right to take it out on my family.
I am the problem. I am having a difficult time just now, being "Me". Who is "Ally". I feel now looking back over the years, I have been controlled by everyone, told what to do, how to do it, when to do it. The relationship I have been in, brought all this to a head. It has made me realise I have been manipulated AGAIN, used, controlled. I made excuses for this persons behavour.
I have made excuses for everyones bahavour in my life. Especially the A's. They don't know what they are doing, It's NOT their fault, It's the "Booze". They dont mean it. etc.
How long do we put up with this. When do we start to admit we have our choices, we are the ones who control our lives.
I am greatful for what I have. I am luckier than some people i know this.
Right now I hate me, my life, etc.
My health is not great, I have not been taking care of me, and i can see this now. My job is suffering because of this, I am unable to go out and work the shift I am due to do.
Im not on a pity pot, I don't feel sorry for myself, kind of pissed off. It's really weird, I'm walking about in a daze, looking about me, at, people, places and things. Thinking all the "What If's" or "I wish i had".
I am dedicating myself to my al-anon right now. I have 5 meetings I can attend in a week, I have done four so far this week. I am "reasoning things out with members", calling them, speaking to my sponsor, reading literature, comming into mip chat and on the board.
I want to shut my eyes, and have the past eight months of my life dissappear, but It's not going to happen. I went to a meeting tonight, I was speaking, felt okay, the next thing I had tears in my eyes, I have NOT been doing this...lol A woman was sharing, a newbie, and I found myself saying to her "Listen, Im not in a good place tonight, BUT I have been in al-anon and had tremendous results in my life, for me.. stick with it, it will work for you too. I said something else and everyone started laughing at me. Like I was suggesting she do something...lol That I NEED to do for myself...It was funny...
Anyway, I am throwing myself into my programme, For a week before i smashed the plate I felt nothing, empty, lost and so confused. This was new to me, usually when Im let down I cry, get on the pity pot, and isolate.
This week, I feel used, manipulated, angry, hateful, I want to retaliate at someone, shout, scream, etc.... Will it make me feel better...NOPE..I will become like the people in my life, I have lived in fear of.
I am praying to my HP, asking him to help me, guide me, and be with me in this time. I have been spending some time on my own, walking along the beach, driving on the motorways, etc. Listening to music. I have loads os memories I'm going through, and It feels different for me. I am not in contact with the A, have not been in 10 days, I have no wish to be either. He is no longer my first priority, my big concern. I am...
You know Ally, if I had thrown more plates in my life I might not be so miserable right now! I think the anger, like the pain, is something we have to work through to get through it. You are doing the right thing by going to all the meetings, good for you. i know sometimes life just sucks and I hate it but your on the right path which is inspirational to me - thank you.
My grandfather (90 years old) has just been diagnosed with a rare form of lukemia (sp?). My AH has been in recovery for one month, out of jail for two weeks. My two year old daughter's behavior has been erratic (but whose hasn't this past month). I woke up this morning, feeling completely separated from my emotions, like I've boxed up my hurt and pain. I know what it is to be manipulated, emotionally manipulated, which is perhaps why I've cut myself off. I did realize this morning all of this is out of my control and I must look out for myself and my daughter. I have no control over anything except my own actions.
I've thrown eggs before, that seems to help release anger. I admit that in the past I've broken things and ripped up my own art work from anger at my AH. Seems silly, but I was battling feelings I didn't understand.
I'm glad you shared your thoughts and experience. It has confirmed that I'm normal too.
Well the plate was ugly right? Easy does it on yourself. I certainly have had all those feelings. There were times when I called myself an Alanon fraud. But I wasn't. I just was a bit lost and confused. You know in your heart that you are doing all the right things in order to take care of you. Take a deep breath. The beauty of our program is that we can start on recovery all over again whenever we want. You'll be fine.
Love and blessings to you sweet lady.
Live strong, Karilynn & Pipers Kitty
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It's your life. Take no prisoners. You will have it your way.
These replies crack me up sometimes. See we love ya. ;) Throw the dang plate Ally. Good gawd, how much can we take? Sometimes I wonder "when is the last time I cried?" "when was I very angry last?" I thought of this this morning. Sometimes we hold it all in without even knowing it and then BAM! Your mom and sister just happend to be the triggers at that time. If you can, figure out your "triggers" and then see what leads up to them. Maybe you can control your outbursts by knowing what is ahead of you. Does that make sense? Sorry you have to feel ashamed but it's really good for you to feel that way. At least your not to the point where you just don't give a darn. I hope you can all forgive each other and move on. Lots of love Ally.
I too feel like you do with anger sometimes. I had a rough go around the other day with my A and was so angry that i hit the wall with my hand (ouch). We all get angry at times and sometimes we say and do things that we don't mean or that we regret later. Don't be ashamed of your actions, you had feelings to get out and everyone is entitled to feelings. Saying "I'm sorry" if its from the heart should be enough. Go easy on yourself your human and we are not perfect. Take care of youself Yours in recovery Shad
oh alley things can get so upsetting. The world is a horribly hard place right now.
It is no wonder sometimes we do things we wish we hadn't.
You reminded me, I had to have certain things to get an ID card. well people kept saying well an easy thing to use is your marriage certificate....hmmmm well I tore it up.... was sorry, but so you know what I told them that. Got giggles and they said, you sound like me!
I kept the pieces and stuck them in an antique bowl. I thought about taking the pieces and dumping them on the counter.
DMV is such a joke....
anyway geez as long as it was not salsa or tea like I thru, you are ahead of me.
Hugs honey, on Sesame street a goat says," It't not baaaaaaaaad, to be maaaaaad." love,debilyn who finds you delightful
Ally, U r so the bomb - I've noticed your complexities (compliment) over the past few days and thought 'mmm - I dunno who u r' except you know, you know and I'm certain you have heard this a dozen times that saying about we may be sicker than the a (in my case - my lil ex a) due to their revolving door behaviour/s, to say the least about that.
In my case, it was his family and my family, eerily as if they were calling each other to see what who was going to say to us next. I am alanon acoa as is he, however, I know this of us, and due to program was able to stand up from my family, or apart of them for us. As us of us that I thought we were and the love we have / had. I think I said in chat that I almost lost my butt due to me trying to b us, where I lived waiting for us to be us - lol - it may be an oxymoron to try 2 b an us with a revolving door.. So that's how crazy it got for me.
I could not function. My family and I are on eggshells with each other now, one side pretending everything is oh great and I know they are so not in recovery except in their fantasies re their god's name. One just said to me how they would like to work with abused children and i am so grateful my hp, who I call the chi force that is dancing with us took the cotton from my ears and stuffed it in my mouth.. I was a breath away from saying 'how can you help other's heal when u are the epitome of dysfunction.. and you wear it on your sleeve like its where u wipe ur nose...' Again, the cotton stuff job was a magnificent move on the part of my hp; I could not have unsaid that - i so could not have unsaid that. We were taught to draw blood in my lil a family of origin...
And I'm already walking a fine line of making an idol / icon to alanon, like I said in chat. U r so much a hero - it was amazing you were not upside their head with the plate, that is my families history - so know u did have that option and u forgive u. Breathe in the breath of forgivness - breathe it out - let it go.
And /\/\iss Debilyn how did u get my dog to pose for ya - lol! oceans of love, getoverit
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know what you want to change and change what you can
Easy does it on yourself. I certainly have had all those feelings. There were times when I called myself an Alanon fraud. But I wasn't. I just was a bit lost and confused. You know in your heart that you are doing all the right things in order to take care of you. Take a deep breath. 
The beauty of our program is that we can start on recovery all over again whenever we want. You'll be fine. 