The material presented
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information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
i had a light bulb moment this morning when I realised so much of what I am dealing with with theA is withdrawal. One of the great things about a crash for the A is that all his druggie friends have deserted him including his brother who is a total addict. I think much of the A's behavior can be chalked up to total withdrawal. He can't put sentences together. He can't focus. He is exhausted all the time. And of course he wants a mummy.
This weekend I did not see him. I left him to his own devices. That was good for me. For 2 months now I have been nursing him back from his withdrawal state. Now he's functional on some level but still not back there. The great news is that he is no longer in touch with the people he used with. The bad news is that leaves him with no one because that's really all he did hang out with people who used.
The good news for me is that I am setting lots of limits and looking at my options. I described some of those options to him last night and he did his normal total fantasy number over them. I get so tired of his stupid perfectionistic fantasies. He has no abilty to deal with reality its all why can't he have his fantasy. I cna't say I have not been there with my own fantasy and I can see now that that totally alienated people.
so right now what I am grateful for the A is not dead. He has a very raw rough roof over his head and the dogs are thriving. I have my own albeit very very rough abode (I just heard two more people are moving into the hosue I am in that means 13 people in one hourse - totally crazy!). I am grateful for this room because without it there would be no ability to detach.
Nevertheless I am still having to confront very vigorouly that the A's never ending crises are still here. He crashed the truck again. He swears up and down its the other guys fault. He always does. I think now I can put it in the perspective of his withdrawl I can see how it is there. Funny how it takes me for ever to see stuff. I had another former boyfriend do a similar total crash in withdrawal.
The issue for me to discuss with the A is not poor me stuff is whether he wants to live a sober lifestyle. If he doesn't I will have to find a way to withdraw from him (which is hard). I am not wiling to deal with him anymore unless he completely cuts out the drug users and that includes his brother.
I have really very very little now. I have one room in a dump. At the same time the A knows I will not deal with him anymore unless he stops hanging around certain people. I made half hearted attempts to reinforce this before. I once went to a motel for 4 days and he promised and promised and promised and nothing happened. I then went into a tremendous depression and became paralyzed and its been two long hard years slogging in al anon to get any kind of perspective.
Now I have some. There is no way forward with the A unless he gives up the drug fiends he hangs out with. Rigth now he's ben forced to give them up. If he re-engages I am gone and there will be no going back. The ideal thing for me though is to find a place I can live at with my dogs and my cats and then I am no longer put in the bind of seeing him neglect my dogs while he uses and carouses with his friends. I can just say heres the door bye. But I'm not there yet. Nevertheless I have a vision and I can get there I know it. Maresie.
Ya know, my AH has agreed that he needs to end communication with various people who do drugs. He has been saying that for 2 years. He has even gone a month, 2 months, 6 months w/out contact. And then one day - WHAM! Someone calls him or he runs into someone in public or hell, the cravings come back and he is right back in the thick of it again. It is a roller coaster of a ride and one that drags us all through the mud.
Even now, working on outpatient addiction programs and seeing doctors, he is still in contact w/some thugs he knows from drugging. I say thugs b/c that is what they sound like to me. I have never met any of them and only had minor conversations when they call looking for him. But from what I have heard about them - THUGS is the only word I can use to describe them. They are ex-cons, big burly men w/foul mouths and wife beating tendancies and very bad habits. And he is supposed to be starting work w/these guys today. He had worked w/them before for pay under the table...money I never saw b/c he always managed to spend it.
I hope that you and your A can come to some sort of agreement that will benefit both of you and your doggies. You are in my thoughts and prayers.
I agree QOD. My mother does this with my brother. She believes all his nonsense, helps him, he lies to her, says he's not hanging out with "his friends" and he is the whole time. She looks completley stupid in my eyes. She wanted things to change for her but yet she has him in her life.....FINALLY she listend to us (my brother and sister) and he got the boot and now he's someone else's problem. I tried explaining to my mother that she does NOT have children with my brother there is no tie holding her to him. Yes it's her son but she's already done her job. He's a big boy now. She still calls me EVERYDAY with updates to what my brother is doing or is saying I have to be cold and tell her "I don't care". That's all she talks about. It's pathetic. My other brother and sister tell her they dont' care either. We have heard it so many times for years that it's the SAME story. It won't change unless she changes it. Personally, I think she likes the drama and can't live without it. Her life is too boring I suppose. Anyway.....sorry for going off. (see I told you it's frustrating) It's always going to be a rollar coaster ride until you get off of the ride! :) Good luck as always. ((HUG))
Maresie . . . I see hope in your post!!!!! I see that YOU have hope for your future. I can just picture you in your own little place, your cats sleeping in the window sill and the dogs bounding around the back yard.
That's my prayer for you, sort of an affirmation I guess. It is entirely possible, there's no reason in heaven that you "can't have" a peaceful, happy home for yourself and those critters you love so much.
Well I guess it was when I finally detached and left the A he crashed and totally burned out. I dont' think he was in much of a positon to do anything personally starving in the woods. He's since managed to work some. His thinking is way way way off. The people who he lives with say it is hard for him to concentrate on anything. He's gone for help to various programs. They give him the runaround. And I'm just talkkng about getting a shower here. He had to make a screening appointment 3 weeks ahead to get that. Then they gave him even more of a runaround.
Given the fact he's probably been doing substances for decades I suppose it it to be expected he'd be i withdrawal.
I spent a lot of time in the months we had no contact worrying about him. For me it is better to be in close contact with him. I know and can anticipate then.
If someone had told me 6 months ago he would be off wondering in the woods starving with the dogs I would never have believed them. But that's where his world took him to that kind of bottom.
One of the things I find most difficult to deal with for him is his "dream". He dreams of being financially self sufficient with a home and everything together. He can't settle for the muck that comes inbetween. I told him yesterday of an opening (for a place to stay) on a horse ranch. His immediate retort was oh I dont' want that. Well since he's been homeless and is not undergoing a lot of difficulty where he is you'd think he'd at least be open to exploring but no he clings to this fantasy.
I have my own fantasies of course. One is that I could live with my own alcoholic crazy family if I needed to. I lasted one day (not even that) 12 hours in the past. I'm having to examine and challente them. I know my fantasies that hurt me and inhibit me.
There are also days like today when I just feel aboslutely frustrated with the A and his demands on me. At the same time I'm having to look at how I allowed so much to just sweep by me for years. I didn't deal with it so all these issues eventually coalesced and nearly destroyed me. maresie.
