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I have been fuming since yesterday afternoon. My AH's grandma called me at work to talk. She said she never gets the chance b/c either my AH is at her house or my house or his mom is at her house. She can't talk to me openly with them around. The poor woman just lost her husband back in Jan and has been battling health and mental problems since. She is getting stronger now though. The depression she was in after her husband's death has subsided and she feels much better. She is working on her health issues but hey, she is in her late 70's so what can she expect other than to make sure she isn't in too much pain every day.
So anyway, she was upset b/c my AH has been spending all his time over there, eating her food, talking on her phone, laying around. He has helped her w/grocery shopping and walking the dog but other than that, she feels like she is stuck babysitting him b/c he doesn't want to be alone. On top of that, his mom comes over every night and acts as if she HAS to come over to take care of her. She doesn't have to. And Grandma wishes she would just call to check on her vs. come over every evening making her feel like she is some sort of burden. She is even trying to get Grandma to sell her house & move into assisted living....something Grandma isn't ready to do. Plus it would cost her more money to do that than she is spending in her current situation. I told her she needed to tell my AH and his mom how she was feeling and that she shouldn't let them push her into doing anything she doesn't want to do. She is a grown woman and completely capable of taking care of herself most of the time. The only time she needs help is when she gets sick.
So I was thinking all afternoon about how inconsiderate my AH is being. He isn't working and just mooching (yes, now that I re-examine it - he is definately mooching) off of the people who care about him. He has always criticized others for being mooches and now he is doing it. It is like he expects everyone to take him in b/c he is "family" but why should we all be put out just b/c of him and his inability to cope with life?
I was already aggrivated with him but then he made it worse when he called me at 4:00 on my cell as I am walking out the door at work. He asks where I am heading - as if he doesn't know my daily routine. It has only been the same forever. So I said I am going to pick up our daughter and head on home. (The night before he had mentioned coming over to visit the kids after I got off of work). He said that he talked to his grandma about me going over there for dinner but didn't think I'd feel like it and she hadn't bought enough pork chops for us all so he figures he will come on over to my house. I am like Ok. (I thought that was his plan anyway). He asked what time I would get there and I said around 4:30 (same as what I told him the night before). Then he said he would meet me there. Ya know what time he arrived? 7:00!!! I was so peeved. I had rushed home so he wouldn't have to wait on me instead of going to the bank & gas station and he didn't show until 7:00. AND he couldn't tell me whether he was going to eat dinner w/us or not so I had no clue how much food to cook. I ended up making a little more that what the kids and I would eat thankfully b/c he ended up fixing himself a plate of food.
The thing that really fired me up though was a phone conversation I had w/his grandma on my way home. Now this is the 2nd call I had w/her yesterday. We were just talking about various issues. She made a comment about him shooting cocaine. I was like What??? You mean smoking crack? She said No shooting it in his arm w/a needle. I said No he doesn't do it that way. He only smokes it & snorts it. She said that he told her he shoots it and that he has to put it in his veins every 30 minutes and that veins in his arms are almost non-existant b/c of it and that he went to the hospital a while back b/c of a collapsed vein and air pockets, etc. I was blown away!!!! Now I realize that I shouldn't be shocked by anything anyone tells me about what he does. But I couldn't help it. I had asked him point blank a while back if he shot this stuff and he said no he would never do that. HE LIED AGAIN, RIGHT TO MY FACE W/OUT EVEN BATTING AN EYELASH!!!! So now I am thinking what a complete fool - IDIOT actually - I have been. I know I had been risking my own health by being with him the last few months while we were trying to work things out....but the depth of that hit me so hard last night when his grandma told me about that. I foolishly believed him when he told me he was not shooting. I convinced myself to believe things he has told me even though I knew better. So there he sat last night at my dinner table, smiling and winking, chatting it up w/our daughter. And I am not even looking at him. I wanted to tell him to get out of my life so bad...just stay away from me and the kids. He is such a smoozer sweet talker. That is the reason I have had such a hard time ending things. He pisses me off so badly. I can't believe a word he says but then when he is standing right there, it is so hard.....b/c I want to believe him...but I cannot. It is sad but right now I just wish he would go away....fall off the face of the Earth. That way I could be done with it. But that won't happen. He will always be there for me to have to deal with in some fashion b/c of the kids. The best I can do is cope w/my own horrible feelings towards him the best I can so the kids can have pleasant visits with him. I just run the risk of him skewing my actions as a chance of reconciliation. I will have to find a time that we can sit down and talk this out. I will have to explain to him that I no longer want to be married, no longer want him to come over and do things around my house as a husband would, no longer want to see him outside of what is necessary for him to see the kids and that I will work to make his visits w/the kids pleasant but that I don't want him to misunderstand my actions. There is ZERO chance of reconciliation EVER.
Uggghhh.....maybe I will write him a letter. Maybe that will help me sort it all out. Thanks for listening to all of my nonsense jibber jabber. I sure does help. Sincerely, QOD
please take the time to you need to process this information, give yourself the room you need to feel your feelings and then do whatever you feel you need to do to protect you and your children.
Rita
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No matter what me and my God are going to be ok, even better than OK -
I like what Rita says, it was very true for me when I heard MORE horrible stuff my A did/does right after he went to jail in June. The rage and pain that came up was too overwhelming for me to make any kind of good decision until I processed through it (read: cursed, swore, cursed, mumbled, swore some more, dug big holes :D, went to AA/Alanon meetings with a vengeance). I came out of it more sure than ever that I was D-O-N-E.
I didn't make "different" decisions than I would have made during the acute phase of the rage, but the decisions were more realistc and workable for me. I have a hard time playing it forward when I am immersed in such strong feelings.
When I read in your post your outrage that he lied to your face . . . sit back a minute, take a deep breath. He's a drug addict with pretensions of a normal life. But take away the marraige and family he so carelessly abuses, and what you have left is an IV drug addict who, if he infected you with "something" God forbid, would just blame it on something or someone else. He does not care about you, or your health at this point, otherwise he wouldn't have lied. He's a cocked gun waiting for a trigger finger. Crap on his disease, or how sick he is. My A does or did IV drugs too, and vehemently denied it, withheld important information from me, and I've suffered and will suffer from his lies.
I wish you Godspeed in a resolution. You are such a wonderful woman, I love reading your posts and contributions to others. I admire your strength, and your candor :) . Kim
i think the lying is their denial. I don't think they live in reality much. Its taken me a long long lon time to piece togehter some of the A's binges he'as had plenty. he doesn't have them anymore but his health is firied as is his thinking. I think his thinking will come back but the health well its gone.
I do understand the overwhelm that' sbeen it for me for years total overwhelm and total maximmu strngth emotions. I know personally I can't sit day in day out in a bath of high emotion. Allow yourself to feel some of it and process it.
i also know how hard it is to be around the A and the way they manipulate and use and divert and stuff. Thats one reason its hard for me to live int he house I do. I live there by having huge huge boundaries and not getting invovled with a lot. I think thats huge for me I had to be ms super caring saint before. I had to fix everyone. now I don't I just try to work on me day in day out.
I have no words of wisdom, but I am extending the hand of support. I'm blown away by your experience. Stay strong and remember to care for yourself and your children. You come first.
I hated the feeling of shock when another lie had been revealed. I remember saying "I don't care what you do just don't lie about it!" Ofcourse, he couldn't be honest, ever. I totally feel your pain. I remember it so very well. Take your time, write it down in a letter, post about it, talk about it and figure out how you want to deal with it all. It was the hardest thing I ever did NOT to react. It is still very hard and almost un-natural. But I feel so much better when I do not react to whatever it is they do, say, lie about. When I act in my best interest and have taken time to really think it thru, I feel much better about my life. Good luck and much love
I went thru this same thing. Finding needles and believing the lies. I know what you mean about feeling like an idiot! I went thru the same guilt with wanting him to visit the kids but not wanting to be around the temptation of "him". Anyway, a lot of people on this board then suggested to me that I don't HAVE to have him in my house. That visits can occur in other places, that it is NOT my responsibility to ensure that he has a good relationship with his kids it is his and if he doesn't want to put himself in a position to be a good influence on them then that's HIS problem. It is possible in filing for divorce to get full custody and make visitation contingent on being clean and sober. It is possible to arrange visits at the park, the mall, whatever. I have also learned to never never never put myself out for the A. Like rushing home to catch him, rushing to meet him or whatever. I do what I'm gonna do and HE can wait for ME!
I say go ahead and write the letter, doesn't mean he ever sees it. I did a lot of journaling when i started in the program, just notes about how I felt each day. It helped for be to be honest with myself. Coming here and dumping off your trash is good, but I found that when I wrote for just myself, the pen really flowed with no sceonds thoughts. It was just for me.
Hugs, Josey
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Julianne - It's best to move on. You cannot look back in anger in life. It's too short
LOVED your pic of you and the kids. Very good looking family!
Glad you got away, good for you.
Your poor gma. Then you are upset by the situation too. The AH in my life pulls that too, living off whoever he can. That way what they do have they can get their drugs.
Yep when they shoot up the cocaine, it gives them a very quick, intense high but come down fast, so they up it again.
Believe me, if they have to share a needle they will.
Makes me sad you guys have to go thru this. Harder when I have seen your faces too.
The disease of addiction, for me is so hard to relate to. I just plain cannot. Here your A will put your health at risk and lie to your face is criminal and so very painful I am sure.
Been there.
I am really glad you came here and vented it out. love,debilyn
