The material presented
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information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Now that I am back from my vacation, I am having to work on my boundries BIG TIME. My AH is trying to work his way back in. I refuse to let it happen though. For example: He came over Saturday afternoon when we got home to visit with the kids. I was bustling around the house trying to get it clean and put vacation stuff away. When I was in the kitchen, cleaning out the fridge & washing up dishes he made the comment that IF he could have gotten in the house while I was gone, he could have cleaned all that up for me and had the house all clean when I got home. In my mind, I was thinking - Here we go again. He is digging and I refuse to go there. So I simply said that it was no big deal and that I should have cleaned up before leaving but didn't have time.
Then last night, he called to talk to the kids (and of course me). He told me about his day, all the various meetings he went to. He said that he was at a meeting from 7-8:30 pm and that is the reason he didn't come over. Plus he figured that we would be at martial arts. Then he told me about his plans for today - all of his meetings. And then he said that he would come over tonight. I told him to let me know for sure and I would make dinner and mentioned maybe he could bring his grandma seems how he has been hanging out with her when he was not in meetings. (the kids would love to see her). Plus I was thinking that w/her there, we were less likely to get into the "Us" talk, which I don't feel like having right now. He said that if he had a way in to the house, he could come over and cook dinner for me and have it ready when I got home from work. (Dig #2 to get a key to the house). I said that I would be getting off at 4:00 and home by 4:30 and that I would cook dinner when I got home. He said he wasn't useless, there were some things he could still do. I said I know but that I would be getting home earlier enough to take care of it...that if he wants to help cook, that is fine. Then he made a comment about cutting my grass. I told him that I would take care of it this weekend. He said he could knock it out in no time tonight. I said whatever but that I can do it this weekend. Then (ok here is dig #3 for a key) he said If I could get into the house to get to the lawn equipment, I could come over and cut it while you are at work. I said It really is not a big deal. The yard looks fine actually and can wait until I get to it this weekend. Really. Then I said that if he wants to help me do something, he can help me get all the crap out of the storage unit b/c it is costing me $125/month that I don't have and it is killing me. He said ok. He said he would pay it if he could. I told him that I just needed him to help me minimize my expenses and that was a good way to do it. He said he would. And b/c the conversation turned to finances (a topic he avoids) he ended the call.
So I am working hard at standing my ground with him but also don't feel like coming right out and saying what needs to be said right now. He knows what is what. He has to. I can't imagine how he wouldn't know that it is over. And I absolutely REFUSE to ever give him a key to my house EVER AGAIN. Plus his mom, grandma & stepdad know that it is over. I have talked to them about it numerous times....and I am pretty dang sure they have talked to HIM about it. I know it is my responsibility to talk to him about it but I just don't feel like going there right now. Kind of putting my head in the sand and avoiding it. I do plan on having him go ahead and sign the divorce papers though - when we talk. I can't turn them in until Jan 16 but I can have him sign them any time. Crappy problem is we have to have them notorized when we sign them....that is a pain in the butt.
Oh so anyway, that is where I am at right now. Working on standing my ground. Thanks for listening. Sincerely, QOD
Our A's could have hatched from the same batch. While you were splashing and enjoying your kids at the beach, the court granted me a one year R.O. ((YAY!!)) The A is INGENIOUS at finding ways to somehow contact me around it all. He "runs into" my adult son in town and gives him lists of items he will die without, he tempts me with 2 tons of hay via my Alanon friend (who owns the hay . . . a transaction that doesn't include him only that he suggested to her I would need it).
I point this out only because it informs me about the condition of my A. I believe a "normal", humble and honest response to the disappearing, drug use, lack of helping you financially is to have enough shame to back off and take a long hard look. Supposedly mine is attending meetings and staying sober too. Since I am seeking out honest people of integrity in my life now, my A's behavior looks outrageous. It's part of the change in me toward health, that I even see his behavior as abnormal.
My A is a master at Chinese Water Torture. Drip. Drip. Drip. Drip. I have to shut him out entirely, period. But I don't have young children with him, who love him and need him.
I am praying for you too, that you continue to seek your way through this with some help from your HP and some cosmic rebar for those boundaries! Their trickiness seems to know no end . . .
You sound very strong. Good for you and being true to yourself and setting those boundaries with him. Sounds like you know 'the game' well. When the time is right you'll have that conversation. you've been through a lot so take it all in stride and one day at a time. Congratulations on your progress!
I wish I had some great wisdom here. All I can say is I can relate. Only my A wants to maintain his own little world at his place but doesn't want a divorce. It's very weird. Tonight he calls half toasted wanting the measurements off the fire pit -- something he's going to make that won't ever happen. It's always, if you will... then I'll. Only I'm not anymore.....I don't want to. I'd rather get it done a different way.
It's too exhausting. I feel like my AH is always looking for the "we're okay -- it's okay" conversation. Only it's not okay, we're not okay. Why do we have to feel badly for what they have done? Why isn't it easier to just say, I know what you are doing and it's not going to work this time.
QOD, we just have to keep moving forward, doing the best we can one day at a time. We need to worry more about what we have to go thru than what they have to go thru, no matter if they look like a lost puppy. My hard lesson is that there is nothing wrong with putting myself first, taking care of what needs to be taken care of on my own and moving forward. There shouldn't be any guilt in that.
Here's what I do... I say... I don't feel comfortable having you in my house when I'm not home. Cite several times things were "missing" from the house. then I say - There's no way I'm giving you the key to my house. Of course mine broke in anyway so what can ya do? But still it's good to be clear and just say it - in this case for me it was fake it till you make it. I looked strong so he believed it even tho I wasn't now I am. It's hard to transition someone that you have been with so long out of your life but eventually it happens.
