It has to be me - Al-Anon Family Group

serendipity · ~*Service Worker*~

It has to be me

Lunamoth · ~*Service Worker*~

You ask "what am I doing" .... I'd be asking why I was trying to maintain unhealthy relationships. If you are being completely honest with yourself, may be the question really isn't what's wrong with me but why is it that I feel the need to try so hard at relationships that are "toxic."

Some may say I'm lumping all alannoners in to this group, but I'm not, it's just that many of us seek out people who need help because we are fixers. We have to quit trying to clean up their side of the street (or their problems) and work on ours. Too often it's easier to look at others than it is to look at ourselves so we trap ourselves in their problems.

Ask yourself, are you really losing anything by ending these friendships?

Keep moving forward

Luna

Kim65 · ~*Service Worker*~

I'm sure you've thought of this, but perhaps your healthy changes have made these people uncomfortable around you. Maybe you don't make them feel so good about their bad behaviors any more. Whatever the case is, I guess if I have the right to cut people out of my life, they have the right to cut me out if they wish.

I too don't have a lot of people I'm close to. I have a ton of "virtual" friends on line. I wonder about myself in the same way, that I've cut many people out. In so cutting, I haven't exactly let a bunch more in either.

What I've come up with in myself is that I don't know for sure what I'm looking for in a friend anymore. It's because I'm changing and growing. I've met people up here that wanted to be MY friend, but we have nothing in common except two X chromosomes. I'm happy to say there are folks who I could stop by and have a cup of coffee with, but nothing like the "friends" I used to have.

My friendships used to be so enmeshed and dependent, and I don't want that any more. I don't want to get close to people who are dishonest, gossip a lot, or have too darn many dramas. I think I'm looking for a different kind of person than I ever looked for.

Maybe "your part" isn't that important in terms of why these people cut you off. How could we know all their reasons? I still think it is good and right to examine yourself. Maybe ole HP is preparing you for a different crowd of friends?

annmarie · ~*Service Worker*~

((((Serendipity)))),

I could have written your post. It rang so true for me.
T agree with everything that Luna and Kim have said, so true. I know the pain of cutting off from familiar family relationships. Change is hard, especially when we've spent a lifetime emeshed with family members.

You know these relationships were toxic and unhealthy already. BY letting them go you are making room for more healthy relationships to enter your life. Its my guess that they are somewhat aware of you changing, learning to detatch, and they probably don't know how to handle it. So they just are more intense in their actions, not understanding why your reactions are changing.

For me, I accept some of my family members are toxic to me...as Kim says...gossip a lot, too many dramas lol. Thats how it is for me too. I now accept this stage in my recovery, I celebrate it, I have to detatch...and do so with love. I don't get dragged into the dramas or get overly emeshed in other peoples lives. I have enough to do to keep my own side of the street clean!

As for your part in it all...you are growing in your own direction, towards your own recovery. You are growing and I am proud of you.
AM

lin0606 · ~*Service Worker*~

If you are truly being honest with yourself, then I agree with the others - you are growing and changing, no longer allowing toxic relationships in your life.

So, one thing maybe to look at is isolation. Are you getting well enough that you don't want these bad relationships, but not enough that you open yourself up to better ones? Are you making opportunities in your life to meet healthy people? This may mean getting out into the community, taking classes, volunteering, going to the gym - doing things that are good for you.

Rita G · ~*Service Worker*~

There has been some really good info given in reply to your post - just wanted to add that sometimes our HP does for us what we cannot do for ourselves.

My meaning in that is that . . .

For me, I had unhealthy friendships that I didn't see how I could break, my HP saw a way out for me and changed my life so that those people are no longer a part of my life. My days are filled with happier and more serene moments and I know it is because I became a healthier person. My HP knew this people had to be removed from my life for me to continue my growth on the path planned for me.

Just my e, s, and h,

Rita

carolena · Senior Member

(((((Serendipity)))))

I'm sorry for your pain. I could have written that, too! Rejection hurts even when it comes from people who are toxic to us. Losing family hurts so much, I believe, because at least in my day, family stuck together no matter whether anyone was hurt or not. In my family, we stuffed the feelings, accepted the unacceptable, and became depressed .

What I've found is that in my family, if you don't blend in with the toxic family, you become the scapegoat. It does serve to keep them gossipping (my pastor calls it "go-sipping") but until
I can accept that I had the wisdom to get help when I needed it (and they didn't), it's hard not
to keep telling myself, "You must have done something awfully wrong in order to lose all these
(toxic) people - !

You're definitely not alone and because of your post, I don't feel as alone either. I'm right there
with you - working on myself - and wondering why it's still so easy for me to blame myself for
what goes wrong in (toxic) relationships!

This too shall pass.

kissers · Senior Member

Serendipity,

Someone can throw you a ball, but you don't have to catch it. They're getting what they want by you ruminating your past behavior. They have their opinions. Your opinion of yourself is what matters most. Let it go. It's not yours. Focus on something positive and turn away from this BS.

Hugs,
Kissers

maresie2 · ~*Service Worker*~

i dunno hurt people seek out hurt people. My family is toxic to me. When my mother died my elder sister was really nasty and super deceiving. Sometimes death brings out the worst in people.

I think was we grow we change. I am no longer attracted to people in the way I once was.

IN the last two weeks or so I have tried to connect with an old friend of mine. I called her (long distane) sent an email and got no reply. She doesn't believe I should be with the A. She is someone I knew before the A and she had a lot of opinions about jobs I had before too. She's dogmatic and controlling. I'd have to say before when she "dumped" me I felt abandoned and betrayed. Now I don;t. I just feel like I made the effort.

Today I tried to connect with another friend. I called and sent an email. I put it out there. The rest is beyond me. I used to stand on my head for relationships. I also used to be way way way over involved with others.

Being around the A has helped me with that. In order to be around him on any level I have to have boundaries or I am sunk. I went most of my life boundaryless so he's been helpful in that regard. I woudln't say having a relaitionship with him has been entirely nuturing but it has made me have to have boundaries.

Maresie

twinkie · Senior Member

You sound pretty healthy to me. I've found that the more I am in the program, the more I gravitate to healthy people and the less involved I am with toxic people. While there may be some truth to what they are saying, how important is it? Do they drain you and are they toxic to your recovery? You gave what you could and that is honest. Don't beat yourself up - progress not perfection. Sounds to me like you are growing in a healthy direction. Good luck!

Friendofyours · ~*Service Worker*~

I have to say you are healthy as well. The older I get..I feel friends get weeded out for one thing or another. We get older, more mature and have different priorities while others don't seem to grow or maybe even surpass us. Who knows, who cares really. I have a bit less then a handful now that I had to weed out two more of my childhood/teenage friends. Events in my life show me who my friends are. I don't speak much to my family either and that's ok. I was thinking about this driving down the road and I found that I was VERY content with me and my three children and even if I had NO ONE else I am happy. Anything else is extra.
If they are not an asset to my life in some way then I don't need them. I find I put myself out there too much and when I need something they are not there. Forget that. I am a better friend then that and won't have that junk in my life. You will be ok. She will be the one dwelling on it. Let her be jealous, that's not your problem...that's hers. Good luck dear. God Bless

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.