The material presented
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I have gone to great lengths to keep our family struggles private for a miriad of reasons - to protect my children, my AH's professional reputation, our privately owned business in this oh so small town (thus our livlihood), and as much as I hate to admit it, my pride. For these reasons, I go to a town about 30 miles away for Al-anon meetings. I found a group I love that has all women and childcare, and I consider it my home group. Anyhow, a while back I recognized a woman in both this meeting and another who shared her fears about her A daughter, but I couldn't place her. About 24 hours later, after the second time, while driving down the street, it suddenly struck me who she was. Aaaccckkk! She is the mother of the active A woman my AH was having an affair with! I should have listened more closely - LOL! Anyhow, I've only seen her a couple of times (and both times she shared) since she was going on a trip and then I have missed many meetings due to summer stuff with the kids, but I know the time will soon come where I will see her again. There is the unrealistic crazy part of me that just wants to let her know what a scum her daughter is. Or, another idea is just to gently let her know why she is familiar to me, for we are allies after all. But alas, there is the decent human side that overrides the other two egos that acknowledges that she is suffering too and of all people I need to recognize that she has no control over her daughter's actions. I am afraid she may eventually recognize me, because my daughter and her granddaughter play sports together (oh, yay - that is why I recognize her). So, my plan is just to stay silent when she is there and keep my ears wide open when she shares knowing that I have to keep all info confidential. Depending on what she says, ooooh, I can't even go there... those of you that have struggled with infidelity mayrelate to how crazy it can make you. Anyhow, I am pretty sure my AH sober is not still involved with the woman, but my emotions still run high nonetheless. Any ES or H on this? If not, if it wouldn't be going too much against the "rules", I would welcome a hypothetical "if that were me" scenario."
Thanks for reading. I look forward to your replies. You are all wonderful!
Blessings,
Lou
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Every new day begins with new possibilities. It's up to us to fill it with the things that move us toward progress and peace. ~ Ronald Reagan~
Sometimes what you want to do has to fail, so you won't ~Marguerite Bro~
I live in a small town too (pop less than 400), and I know what you mean. I was also driving almost 30 miles to a once a week meeting elsewhere, that is, until it became apparent every knew everything already and I might as well just stay up here for meetings where I am well known :D .
My A was unfaithful, but I don't know with whom. I'm guessing there are some well meaning, but thoughtless people out there who would like to tell me who, when, and how often.
A small, mean part of me would LOVE to know so I can fantasize about finding her and telling her how sorry I am :D . How I conduct myself is that I don't give anybody any "inroads" to encourage them to tell me some stories about my A. I'm polite, friendly, and do not hang out for gossip about anyone. I'm human, I enjoy hearing the latest, but in my case it is not good for me. I would probably choke and pass out if I started to ask if they'd seen the A around, what's he doing, etc.
What information I have received (from my son who runs into the A in town) is definitely not giving me a feeling of satisfaction. The only reason I haven't told my son to not bother relaying what the A says is a hesitancy to get him 'involved' in our stupid drama.
I would try to imagine that poor woman's face when you tell her who you are and "how you know her". Would she throw her arms around you in a welcoming hug?? Ha, I doubt it! What purpose would it serve? Any of her purposes?? Prolly not.
I seriously doubt those who have all the "news" about my A wish me harm in wanting to tell me all about it. And if they did, I'd let go of being offended, that's how people are. They don't realize they are hurting me by saying, "Did you hear what he did?" All I could say is "I know he's a jerk, and I'd really like to forget about him, so whatever he does is none of my business anymore."
Then I would go home and GET BUSY until I could shake it off.
LOL I too drive 30 miles to my Alanon meeting. I live in a very small town also. It is the only meeting and very small but we seem to know each other from somewhere else. I am guarded about what I share but then I think this is silly. So what if they talk. My AHsober and I work for the same company but in two different towns (he moved out). People talk because they have seen him at bars and dancing saying that was you he was dancing with right? NOT. I have to deal with my embarassment. Even if we divorced they would still talk so I figure I have to meet it straight on.
I think we have always worried about anonymity at one time or another , I smiled when you said u go to meetings away from your home . I did the same thing and my neighbour turned up at the same meeting . I have been in this program along time and have never had a problem with anonymity , my husb is a proffessional also owns his own business , most people probably couldnt tell u my last name and they sure don't know his . My neighbour and I laugh all the time when someone shows up at our meetings from another area we both go to the same meetings now just down the street sometimes we drive together. As for the infidelity in your life , I too have experienced that in our marriage and I had to come to the conclusion that it takes two people to have an affair , not just the hussy who dosen't care if hes married or not .keep looking after you and you will be fine . Louise
