The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I've read on here a few times that just seeing their A-spouse makes them "want to throw up" so to speak. I'm so glad to read this in a way, because I've been dwelling on "what the hell is wrong with me?" for quite some time now.
I am currently seperated from my AH of 5 years. We have an awesome 3 year old son. I so badly want to work things out with him and have for the last 3 or so years, but the same A issues always surface and take over. I love my AH (or the man he used to be) very much. I would love to be able to endure this marriage, but I know I can't so long as he is an Active A. Lately, I psyche myself out to be nice. Be calm. Be polite. Be peaceful. And then when I see him, it's that "I am gonna throw up" sort of feeling, where I just feel completely unable to be nice, calm, polite or peaceful. I am enraged. Irritated. Angry. Hurt. Sad. etc
No matter what I do, I just can't seem to stop it.
The glazy eyes infuriate me. The stumble annoys me. The lies, ... well you all know the story.
So... does this mean it's absolutely over...unsalvagable?
For me, there is no living on with him as an active A. He acknowledges briefly on rare occasion that he's got a problem...but of course makes no steps towards recovery. Just little bargains here and there that he can't keep.
sigh....
thanks for being here everyone. I am so alone in my marriage, it's nice to have this place to come to where I am not so alone.
I did write today about that feeling of 'throwing up' when seeing him and I can understand your feelings very well. As soon as he was opening the front door (even before because most of the time he could not even get the car pass the 2 gates or would drop 'dead' on the floor as soon he opened the car door - I can laugh about those one now ), I would transform myself from happy bunny to a killer whale. I am new to Alanon, so I cannot tell you what you could do or not to make you feel better. In the mean time, take care of you and your son, you are the most 2 important persons in that story. Hang on in there and keep on writing. You are not completely alone.
I'm so sorry you are going through this, I know how hard it is. I'm separated from my AH. I'm going to file for divorce this week because as much as I care about him, I have been misearable for to long waiting for the man I loved to return. I have a lot of anger and resentment which I'm praying daily for God to remove. Sometimes mine is drunk and another time he will be Mr. Charming. That is really hard to live with - those of us who love them never know what to expect when we see them. I think that is why I can't stand to see mine - every time it's a tug at my emotions and heartstrings. Work on yourself, surrender and it really will all work out. In my lucid moments I truly do believe that. When you are ready to make a decision either way, you will know it and will feel peace about it. Take care.
I was so uncomfortable and guarded around my A that I was relieved when he went out in his binges. When I heard a diesel truck pull up the long driveway, my heart would race and I did feel nauseated. I felt afraid, cornered. One wrong move and I would go postal. I am not a going postal kind of person. In retrospect, that's how desperate I felt around him, and when an opportunity to get him away from me for good came about, I took it. I asked for a restraining order and allowed the sheriffs to toss his bedroom, where they found some pot and paraphernalia. He went to jail, I got my RO and recently it was granted for an entire year.
I feel like I waited way too long . . . just because I can't believe how much I suffered and didn't need to. I got to the point that whatever happened because we split up was better than living with him the way he was. He refused to leave, and sat on the couch watching Spike TV, asking me to bring him food or trying to grab my body as I walked past. That was when he was in a GOOD mood. In a bad mood, he harassed me, critisized nearly everything I did, from how I cleaned out the fridge to how I fed the livestock. When drunk or coming down from a methamphetamine binge, he threatened to hurt me if I said I was calling the sheriff. One time he raised a claw hammer at me and asked if I wanted "some of this". He'd grabbed me, shaken me, and put his hands around my throat.
If I were Queen of the world, I would wave a magic wand so NO ONE else has to suffer like I did, that they will be fully aware of their choices and have the instant courage to take action on their behalf. Now that my A has been gone for several weeks, I am just horrified at what I put up with.
It's all relative, though. We each have our own "bottom" too. Mine was a lot lower than I thought it would be, apparently.
I truly believe what Tryingtoheal said, "When you are ready to make a decision either way, you will know it and will feel peace about it." That's exactly what happened with me. I am astonished with how much I put up with, but I just wasn't ready until I was ready.
There's a lot of sad stories in this program. But we're given to tools to turn our stories into success stories, whether you stay or leave. I've seen both, and honestly was hoping I'd be able to stay with him and still grow and have the good things I could get for myself. It wasn't to be, as he became abusive and scary. I accept that now, and am moving forward. Your time will come, that's inevitable! You don't have to do anything today but take care of you.
), I would transform myself from happy bunny to a killer whale.
I truly do believe that. When you are ready to make a decision either way, you will know it and will feel peace about it. Take care.