The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I wanted first to check in and let you all know I am still here, and I am basically "OK", if you wanted to know. I am sure my friends have been wondering if I dropped off the face of the earth---NOT YET.
I am still living alone, my A still in the same dingy motel, apparently has begun a new life with his also A girlfriend. For a long while, I had been in contact with them (him) almost every day, still accepting and suffering the same suffocating stifleness, and hurtful words and actions.
It was suggested strongly by my therapist to adhere to the "do not call him" reminder(s). Yet I still call.
What is it I am seeming to search from him. I hold deep resentment for both he and his new girl, but try to hide it. Why can't I just let him go his way, thus allowing me to be able to "breathe" again.
I agree it takes a LONG time to heal from the loss of any relationship, ESPECIALLY an alcoholic who is abusive and controlling in many ways.
Back to ME. I did everything I could to try to Control him, but to no avail.
It (I) will not get better until I allow myself to be sheltered by my HP, who I chose to call MY God, The Creator.
Having mental and physical illness, all very serious, I need to allow God to take over, but I keep grabbing his "steering wheel" to go in a direction I would rather go, and He allows that--to a point.
These are my personal and sometimes very detailed experiences.
I cannot do this alone......
Please I need ESH, prayer and help.
Bless you all.
In closing, I want to say to newbies, those still in relationships, or whomever......It (the "it" is us) will never have any hope of getting better until we let go and let God ODAT (One day at a time)
I am no one special or anyone who should be thought of as a know-it-all.
Please help, because I am really struggling in many many ways.
Appreciate any ESH, comments, prayers, etc. ANYONE can offer.
I'm with your councelor. You're not getting anything out of calling him. What's happening is that, at a certain point, your hurting yourself out of the familiarity. Somehow, it's like if you hurt yourself enough, he'll realize what he's doing and stop doing it. I found an old letter from my mom, way back in January. She was telling me how, if I loaned her my car for the weekend, she would take me to lunch, get my hair done, get my nails done, et cet. And I thought to myself "OMG, NOTHING has changed." The fact was that my mother was really saying "If you give me what I want, I will give you what you've always wanted and needed. I'll be the person that you've always wanted because you're doing what I wanted." And I came to realize, albiet painfully, that my mother knows how to be a mother; she knows how to be loving, kind and gentle; but the fact is that she has no incentive to be. She does not want to be a mother, or a kind, loving, helpful human being. Until she feels safe enough in a relationship that she knows there'll be a reward, she won't put out. Whereas you and I will give mutually to each other and risk getting hurt, she won't; she'll simply manipulate a situation so that she'll either be garenteed her own safety or be garenteed to come out okay in the end on her own terms. I would strongly urge you to stop calling him. Any time you feel like calling him, call a new comer in Al Anon, or call someone in Al Anon period. That way, you're thinking in the solution instead of the insanity. Remember, he'll always come out okay; the $65,000 question is will it be at your expense or not.
I was just thinking about you yesturday. I'm glad you posted. Stacie, I believe in my experience that as woman we are just territorial by nature so it's hard to let something that was "ours" go. Like our A's, ESPECIALLY to other woman. It makes us feel like they are better and we lost when in fact we haven't. We are the winners that are lucky to be able to have a new and healthy life! When you wrote that you pull on Gods steering wheel I so understand that. I think you and I are strong and we like our "FREE WILL". I really find that when I don't fight against Gods good graces that things do go right and I am happy. I hope you do to. I also believe that by holding on to our A's in a relationship manner that we are not allowing anyone new to come in because God won't let them. Seriously, how fair would it be if the nicest man in the world came into our lives but we were still hung up a bit on a serious mess of a man from the past??? When we let go of them and let go of our free will then good people will come into our lives. I believe that for you. In everyone of your posts I hear the battle within yourself and I always hope and pray that you would see self worth. I hope you give it a try with the "do not call him" thing. It really does help you heal and forget. Let him wonder why he's not worth YOUR time. Lots of prayers your way. xo
Glad that you posted too. All that was said is good ESH. We have all been there. But one thing that I am realizing especially after reading your post is that if we keep coming to Alanon and meetings that we are doing better than we think. You may call and that may be just an "Alanon slip" but we are making progress because you realize now what you are doing. I know that it is hard to let go but we must keep trying to save ourselves.
Hi Stacie, I agree with the posts above, if I were to tell you what I'd do.
You'll let go when you are ready to. We never, ever do what we don't want to do. I HATE balancing my checkbook, hate it. But if I don't . . . therefore, I certainly want to do it!
You are still getting something from simply calling him that you aren't able to get for yourself with other people or activities. I know you hear "what good will it do you?" But it is where you are at, and that is just what it is.
There's so many things I've KNOWN I need to do or not do, but I kept doing or not doing them until I was ready to change. Keep up your hard work, you'll be ready eventually.
