The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
My older A child is in jail. I've been in a lot of pain since I found out and this is an awakening time for me. My A child is going thru a messy divorce and it was domestic violence and still is that way and there is a small child involved.
My A has been drinking and using RX as I know for years and not using their drug of choice. They seem to be spiriling down and appears headed in the direction of using their drug of choice. Stepping back, I've said to my A, it's your life and your choices and let go. Their drinking is OK with them, so they say.
I had just spoke with my A the night before they were arrested and that my A wanted to finally file the domestic violence papers and get some help.
There's a lot of negative pressures on my A via the court that is really uncalled for, the judge has a reputation for being hard and my A's inital attorney was horrible and was fired. My A's X is lying to the courts too. My A is having a hard time standing up for their position and being slammed every step and couldn't cope with it. And my A suddenly snapped it seems and I didn't hear from them like I use to. Returning to old behavoirs ...as proof of them being in jail.
My A child has been in and out of rehab over many years a long time ago. Their behavoir would be drinking - sometimes for years and then to their drug of choice.
I've been there for them...the savior personality type because of the abuse my A child had with the other parent and my behavoir around that. Really being concious of letting them make up their own mind with my imput and seeing where I 'must direct' (seeing the light here)! And I have gone so far as to put my A in rehab. and helped bail them out of jail years ago. I feel like I have to be there for them!
I can see from the past few days being on this site that I'm controlling, rescuing and saying 'oh, my poor baby' and now with the divorce I've been deep in their problems because they grew up these issues and I feel responsible because this A is my child! It's about loving and maybe I've crossed the line. I I feel inside if I don't help it's like letting a baby standing in the street with on coming cars. My A acts that way as if they can't get thru it and with the divorce is worse. Yet, they function around a divant lifestyle and find excitment there and they don't want to have a 'boring' lifestyle. This connection I have with my A is crazy!
My A seeing or waking up to their domestic violence growing up issues and their marriage the same is heart wrenching for me and my A has to find their own self power thru it all, I know that too. I'm out of control with them wanting to 'really help'. I feel it's good to have the help of a parent working thru things, I never really had that and I feel I need to put a rein on what is going on right now with my behavoir with them. It's effecting my life bigger now than ever.
My A knows program and has had many strong positive influences around and yet my A chooses to be involved with 'the excitment of the dark side' and people that are not 'model citizens' and their are sexual issues too. Maybe using 'poor me' as an excuse to drink and use drugs? It breaks my heart to see my grandchild be with this too and growing up with these issues. My grandchild is with the other parent.
When my A called from jail a few days ago via a friend, my A said drugs were involved in the arrest and they were not doing drugs. My A for the most part has always been honest with me about these things and I know if they are not in program - they are probably lying. (Am learning a lot here)
I was going to post bail and the the bails bondsperson said 'I make a living at this and I would suggest not to do that' thinking my A would skip. I found out my A was arrested last month and now this month and the fee was thousands and they wanted collertal for the bigger amount. Things have escalated to a different level with my A's behavoir. I changed my mind about posting the inital bail thru the help of friends and the bails person. He said the bail should be reduced after the court tomorrow and at that time I'm wanting to post bail. Does it do good to let them sit in jail? They have paid a big price for this, missing their child's visitation and could loose their child.
Again, having these issues right now, well, it's a wake up call for me and I hope for my A. I cannot talk with my A as my cell phone won't take collect calls (God shot I feel) and I pray my A is learning too. I was in bed all day yesterday over this as it's been years of hope and faith and it's all going out the window it seems. I still have it and now in a different way.
Yesterday, I so desperately wanted to loose the pain of my guilt that's eating me up and I feel it's on the way out the door. It's been a low grade feeling for years and always feeling less than my A and having to prove myself to them just to have relationship for the most part and it's effected my life. These feelings have all come to the fore front and feeling them is so painful. What is the saying seeing the forest for all the trees........
I had a bench mark moment this morning as it's about living in solution. The horrific guilt is that 'I have to do something and if I don't I'll be a horrible person'. I feel knowing the issue is 50% in dealing with it. I feel a seperation and feel calmer in this discovery and seeing where my A needs to find their own way and I can be there with loving in a different way.
In reconnecting with Al anon thru this site is a blessing.
I wanted to ask too for some input about alcoholism being a disease. With a person having a disease one is suppose to take care of them ie cancer, as a sick person in the hospital would be taken care of. I'm not seeing what everyone is saying about letting them take care of themselves. I'm not a nurse personality and feel like one!
I think that the bail bondsman had to tell you that you'd best not post bail says it all, boo. The situation is so bad that someone from the outside is concerned for your well being. They're also telling you that if this person doesn't show, they're coming after you. Don't forget, bail/bond is a contract, leagally binding. They'll repo your house/car/whatever to cover the bond. As you know, a bond contract is a legally binding contract; you can be taken to court if your loved one jumps bond for your failure to pay. Additionally, your post details a whole lot of insanity in your life. It sounds like for the past however many years, you've been taking care of everyone else, monitoring everyone else, and trying to control everyone else. In the immortal phrase of Al Anon, "How's it working for you?" That you are so tired and sound so exhausted tells me that you are burned out. It also tells me that you are ready for a complete life change. Your loved ones are, really, doing just fine. The fact is that our loved ones will not change anything in their lives until the problems in their lives become problems for them. Right now the only problems in their lives are things like jail, debt, or anything else; and as long as you are involved in bailing them out of their problems, they don't have to worry about it. You are enabling them to not have problems, so they do not worry about the problems. All they worry about is sweet talking you into handling their problems, and, as any sales man knows, with the right words, you can sell snow to an eskimo in the middle of winter. Ultimately, then, you have a choice. That you chose to come here was an excellent first step. Another good step would be to go to www.alanon-alateen.org and look up local meetings in your area to meet people just like you who live with the problem of alcholism. Ultimately, too, when you ask about the disease, you're witnessing it: would someone who is "well mentally" live in a jail? abuse perscription drugs and then beg his loved one to bail him out, just so he can do it again? I would recommend you re read your post, out loud, as if you were reading it to someone else, a stranger perhaps, and that right there will tell you what the "disease concept of alcholism" is all about. Once someone begins drinking and taking drugs, they do not stop until they reach a bottom; and simply because you have decided to do something about your own situation, I would suggest that you not assume likewise has occured for any of your loved ones; they may have to suffer some more before they realize that they are suffering and causing suffering because of their alcholism; I cannot say how long or how much more suffering they may have to go through before they realize what they are doing to themselves and to others, but they may have to. Lastly, I would suggest very strongly that you think about the last statement you made:"I'm not a nurse but I feel like one!" To me this says it all. It tells me you are tired, burnt out, and need love. We at al anon can do this, if you are willing to do it for yourself first.
This post reminded me of the guy that spins many plates on the top of the pole. He just keeps running from plate to plate. If they wobble he attempts a rescue with another spin, trying to prevent them all from crashing to the floor. None of us can be that person when it comes to alcohol or drug abuse. We cannot make them stop no more then they can make us abuse.
We actually do more harm then good by attempting to save them. It prolongs "hitting bottom" when everytime they fall we rush in and stick a pillow under them, ensuring a soft landing. They MUST hit bottom on their own, caused by their own doing. When the moment comes that they accept responsibility, there is no other place to go but "up", and truly want change, only then will they choose to get help. We must give them the dignity of finding their own way out. No one ever got sober because mommy, wife, husand, friend saved them. They do it alone and fight for it. It is something we just can't give them. If it was possible, none of us would be here. We would have saved them all by now.
Christy
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If we think that miracles are normal, we will expect them. And expecting a miracle is the surest way to get one.
"I wanted to ask too for some input about alcoholism being a disease. With a person having a disease one is suppose to take care of them ie cancer, as a sick person in the hospital would be taken care of. I'm not seeing what everyone is saying about letting them take care of themselves."
The way I explain it to myself (this is just how it makes sense to me), is that like cancer, alcoholism has specific care measures. Each kind of disease has it's own treatment.
Cancer treatment involves chemo, antinausea, pain medications and hospitalization at times. All this the patient must submit to voluntarily. No one is going to strap a cancer patient down and force chemo on them if they do not want it.
Alcoholism has it's own treatments, cessation of drinking and other mind altering substances, sometimes medical care in a hospital or rehab, and participation in an ongoing program of recovery to keep the disease in "remission".
The one differenct I can see is that alcoholics are luckier than cancer patients, ie, they can decide to put their disease into remission. Cancer folks often cannot.
If your child refused cancer treatment you'd be confronted with the same choices.
As long as a person believes they can convince, cajole, force, or "be nice enough" to get in there and make an alcoholic stop, they will continue to do so. I found for myself I could not say or do anything. I thought my alcoholic treasured our relationship enough that threatening to leave would "do it". Nope. It was not a concept I accepted, it was pure learning the hard way. It hollowed me out, all I thought about was HIM. That's no way to live.
So I made the choice to let him go, not get in the way of his consequences. He went to jail and I let him sit there for two weeks. He lives in a 30 ft trailer in a not so nice park, no phone, all alone, instead of here on a nice property with me. These are his consequences, it's not my job to make his life easier when he is so careless with MY life as he was. He ran us into the ground financially, has multiple legal issues pending, and a warrant out for his arrest. He did this to himself. He knows what the treatment for his problem is, but he refuses to DO the treatment. I can't make him do it. All I can do is save myself from going down with him. That's what it means to me, to let him take care of himself. He CAN do it, he KNOWS what to do. So does your child, who has been to treatment.
Your child will stop using or drinking when he or she is tired of living the way they are living.
Any attempts to rescue them from their consequences actually postpones them being fed up enough to change. In my humble opinion, to continue to rescue someone still running amok with alcohol or drugs is helping them to die more quickly. Since I can do nothing to stop him, I have to turn away and confront my grief at how sick they are, the grief of possibly losing them to death or prison, and confront my own powerlessness, which ain't easy. I can avoid facing my powerlessness by continuing to rescue, but it's selfish to do so. I'm rescuing the A to save my OWN feelings of guilt, and when I look at it like that . . . .
That's my train of thought anyway. Yes, my trains of thought are usually this long and involved! I also spent a lot of time working in the rehab talking to families about alcohol and drug addiction to help them understand.
It's a very good question that you ask, and I hope for your sake you can find an answer that preserves your peace and well being SOON. It will come as you participate in Alanon and work the steps. Be kind to yourself! Kim
Thank you all so very much for your truths. I really need the support you offer. Kim I will find the way soon. I see a clearer picture about the disease of alcohol and my part in it with my A.
It's going to be a path that will take time and I want to be on that path and am starting fresh on it every day from Friday. Detaching with love. Just for today.
