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I haven't been on here in a while. But I was wondering if anyone has been in a similar situation. My AH went into an inpatient alcohol rehab place on thursday. He will be there for a minimum of21 days. He made the decision to go. He called and got the insurance information to see if they would pay. Then he called and got himself admitied with out telling me he was going to do it for sure until after he did it. We had been talking about him going to this place. We had heared it was very good place. When he is about 14 days into it I will go and stay there and do family counseling with him for 3 days. I am looking forward to that to see the progress he has made and I have a lot of questions. I am so hopeful that this works for him. I am scared if it doesn;t he will be dead soon if it doesn't work. Has anyone been where theie AH went into rehab and came back and things were better. I know there is alot of work ahead when he comes home. I want to be optomistic but after all the lies and dissapointments it is hard to stay that way. He cant' have calls or make calls for the first 5 days. That has been hard for the kids. They are to young to understand much. We have been staying busy and keeping their minds on other things. thanks for reading
Hi Janey . . . how I wish I had an A honest and willing enough to do what yours has done! He deserves the credit for arranging this himself, after all it is his alcoholism.
In the meantime are you able to get to meetings for yourself? Working on you will do so much for your own healing, which will help the lack of trust that's developed. He'll have to earn it, of course, but you've been through the wringer and need support and growth for yourself. While he's taking care of himself, you can focus on taking care of you.
Congrats on him making the decision to go into rehab. Three years ago my A did the same thing. What I didn't know was this: how much I needed to work on me. I thought once he went into rehab everything would be okay. WRONG! I'm not trying to scare and bring you down. But I do believe in being honest. Rehab is scary for both parties. But it's a step in the right direction.
First of all, learn everything you can about this disease. Be prepared for relapse (I wasn't). It can happen. That first year is sooo hard for them. The odds are against them. Be prepared for them to focus on themselves (look back for an old post called Are you ready for their sobriety - it saved me). But no matter what, if you love him, tell him so. They beat themselves up so much about their disease and destrution they have caused. I never let my A forget that he was loved (and it was hard).
Now the most important thing of all: FOCUS ON YOUR RECOVERY. Your recovery has to be about you and for you, regardless if he chooses sobriety/recovery or not. The dynamics of a sober relationship vs. an active one are completely different. I can't stress enough the importance of this. My A chronically relapsed for 3 years before he got it and it stuck. He has been sober for over a year now. Get to your Alanon meetings. What I very slowly found out was that I needed to change for me. There was no point in him working on himself if he came home to an old idea - me! (Thanks Abby for that great line.) I woked the 12 steps and found out about my strengths and weaknesses. It gave me the courage to do what I had to in order to make my life better. Alanon and this website was a blessing.
Now for the good news: I can tell you that recovery for both is absolutely possible. We are healthier and happier today than we have been in a long time. It isn't perfect, but we have come a long way. We had to push away the shadows so the sun could come out. You know something? I wouldn't trade these past years for anything, as crazy as that sounds. It has taught me so much about myself and the man I love. I never thought I'd see the day when he was sober and the twinkle was back in his eye. We go to open AA meetings together and read our daily meditations out loud to each other. We talk about our recoveries. We still attend our separate meetings. I know whatever hurdles we have, we can face them. I've learned to trust again. Best of luck to you both.
Love and blessings to you and your family.
Live strong, Karilynn & Pipers Kitty
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It's your life. Take no prisoners. You will have it your way.
My husband went into rehab, came out, and stayed sober. Yay! Success, right? Well, kinda.
Like so many others here, I was under the impression that the problem was the drugs and the drinking, and once they were stopped, we would have no more problems. However, the D&D were just the symptoms of the problem - the real problem was the way he approached life, and the way I had evolved to deal with his approach to life.
The good news is, yes, recovery is possible. The bad news is, it doesn't happen on its own. You need to work on your own recovery. He needs to work on his. Phoning it in will not get you through the hard bits. His lifelong habit of avoiding or deflecting all negative emotion does not go away once he stops hiding it in a bottle. Your life long habits of doing whatever you have been doing to avoid whatever you need to avoid don't stop either - I found one of our biggest problems was that when he did reach out, and be honest, and truely work towards recovery, it scared me, and I would retreat behind my defences. We were both badly badly damaged people. As the years went by, though, and we both worked on our programs, things really did get better. Eventualy, we were able to lay to rest a lot of demons, and I think that if we had had more time, we could have silenced almost all of them.
Karilynn, said it perfectly! It's so bittersweet. I hope and pray he can stay sober for many many years to come. You will still worry and wonder, it's just our motherly nature. lol Lots of love and prayers.
Janey.... it is really positive that he has taken the steps he has, but it is also a very dangerous time, emotionally, for you..... From my experience, I thought when my ex-A-wife went into her first rehab, that life would be "happily ever after".... Oh, the oldtimers in Al-Anon warned me about getting too far ahead of myself, and to work on me, and take things one day at a time.... but I thought I knew better.... Her first rehab sounds similar to the one where your hubby is at, as it was a 28-day stay, and I went for five days at the end of it, to do family counselling.... It felt good - we jointly wrote out goals and expectations, even wrote out relapse prevention plans and what to do if a relapse did occur, etc.... It all felt very positive and encouraging..... I was devastated when she started drinking 11 days after she got out, and laughed at me when I went to our written relapse plans......
I think the mistake I made was putting too much focus on her, and her recovery.... As difficult as it is, I think this has to be the time for you to allow him to find HIS recovery and sobriety plan, while you work on you, and your recovery from his illness. There are exceptions, of course, but the general rule of thumb appears to be that the couples who "make it" through this, are the ones who give each other emotional space to pursue their own recoveries for awhile, and eventually can rebuild their marriage together.
Just my two cents... Take care Tom
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"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
Get to your Alanon meetings. What I very slowly found out was that I needed to change for me. There was no point in him working on himself if he came home to an old idea - me! (Thanks Abby for that great line.) I woked the 12 steps and found out about my strengths and weaknesses. It gave me the courage to do what I had to in order to make my life better. Alanon and this website was a blessing. 
