The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I walk three miles every morning. I get up at 6am, drink some coffee and read the paper, then hit the road with my i-pod. It is my time. This morning I couldn't stop crying for most of the way.
Two years ago this month my AH went to rehab. He left the day after our daughter's 5th birthday. He relapsed 5 days after coming home and since then had been drinking consistently, with breaks about every three months when I lose it or he gets so sick he has no choice. His periods of abstinence last from 1-day to a maximum of 17-days, but average about 5 days. He occassionally attends AA, or works some kind of program, even though he continues to drink. He is a very bright, well educated man. He has learned a tremendous amount about his disease, and knows what he needs to do to get well, he just chooses not to.
His family does not know that he is still drinking. They live 4-hours away so they have no clue what his day to day life is like. When he first relapsed I called and told them, then about 6-months later he got caught sneaking drinks at their house (they are big drinkers themselves). The disasters that resulted from each of these episodes convinced me to have no involvement with the topic with his parents. "Being found out" doesn't change his behavior, it only makes life a living hell for all of us.
Now his younger sister (9 yrs younger) is in rehab for a'ism. He has spent countless hours on the phone with his family telling them all about the disease, what she needs to come to terms with to get better, giving comfort to his brother-in-law and encouraging him to seek al anon.
I have no intention of telling them he still drinks, but listening to him makes me want to vomit. What a hypocrite.
A couple of days after she went into treatment we were discussing a conversation he had with his parents and I said something like, "well I hope they realize that she won't get sober unless she wants to, regardless of rehab." I didn't mean it to be snide, we were in the midst of an honest conversation, but he got really defensive. Then last night he was talking to his brother-in-law saying, "she complains about you being controlling, but I guess if she isn't functioning that behavior develops out of necessity." After he got off the phone and he rehashed the conversation I said, "that's what happened to me." He got mad again and said, "haven't we been over this, can't we be done with it?"
The end all be all is that this situation is dredging up a lot of negative feelings in me. I am vicariously re-living a pre-al anon hell I don't wish to revisit. I have always felt like once my AH learned a little about co-dependency he felt he had the right to displace some of the blame for his A'ism onto me. He has never made amends to me and I have stopped expecting it to happen. We have had so many tearful arguments that we just don't talk about it anymore. He has to fix himself, why should I expend energy telling him things he already knows, to no avail.
We are going to visit his family for a long weekend next Wed - Sun. The trip has been planned since the beginning of summer. I plan to bring the new Harry Potter book and just read the days away. I don't plan to participate in any of the endless dissections of his sister's situation that are bound to occur.
I have to give these feelings to my HP and keep my trap shut. I recognize that AH is going to do what he is going to do and there is nothing I can do to change it. I guess if he is able to help his family through his knowledge it is a good thing. I just don't understand how he can be so well-informed about everyone else, and not be able to apply any of it to himself. This disease has such a hold on him I am convinced he will die of it. I have given up hope that he will ever get sober.
Sounds like your AH is having trouble being totally honest with himself or anyone else. Maybe one day he'll hear himself talking to one of his family members about the disease and it will strike a cord of uncomfortable feelings within him to get honest. I can relate to how you feel its pointless to bring up these issues because he gets defensive and can't be truthful. I am going through that with my AH at the time. Control is a big thing for me and no matter how I'd like him to work his program he will work his program the way he wants. I may not agree with how many meetings he's going to, how often he speaks to his sponser, etc. I could say "I think you need a meeting", but that would just get him angry. I think your plan of keeping busy in something you enjoy and staying out of his way is a good plan, and your post really confirmed for me what I need to do too. Thanks for passing that onto us today, I needed it. Giving All to HP...
Peace, Twinmom~
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"The people who don't mind matter and the people who mind, don't matter". (Dr. Seuss)
"I just don't understand how he can be so well-informed about everyone else, and not be able to apply any of it to himself."
This statement made me think of something I heard from my parents when they joined AA and Alanon . . . a condition called "terminal uniqueness".
It is a fatal "disease" causing the person to believe that they are wholly unusual and unique when it comes to their personal problems. In spite of a solution that works for most everyone else, it does not work for them (they are still looking for one that DOES, and when they find it, THEN they will get sober).
Your A can apply it to himself easily. It's not a matter of ability or learning how. He just won't. It's a choice he makes drunk or sober. He's not making choices based on logic or deep thought, here. He doesn't want to stop drinking.
A doc I worked with in the rehab told me once that "smart" educated alcoholics and addicts have the smartest disease process and sometimes a very, very tough time getting sober. Thier intelligence works against them in creating complex, convincing reasons why they don't really need to quit. They dazzle themselves with BS. This doc was in recovery himself from pill addiction, and he said he needed another addict doctor to kick his butt 24/7 for a long time to help break down his denial. It was so convoluted and ivory tower and so well defended he says he would have certainly died from his disease if he hadn't lost his medical license, driven all friends and family away from him, and nearly died.
Smart Alanons can suffer much of the same. I ran the day to day operations of that rehab, over saw the programming, worked one on one with the patients and families, and now ask me if it made much of a difference in how I handled my A. Knowing what I do know, it didn't help me much. My A was different, of course, and so was I, I mean, I would NEVER allow something like THAT to happen . . . oops.
I know the feeling of being just sick, listening to the hypocrasy. It is what it is, he's a sick man, and everyone knows it but him. Whatever you can do to shut this out and keep your sanity is OK. I'm so sorry you are going through this, it really is hell. Please take good care of you :)
Just wanted to give you a big hug. I have watched my hubby struggle with this disease for many years now and he also has had bouts of sobriety. For me it is sad to watch someone you love destroy themselves with alcohol. What I discovered also was that my sadness is also grief. I am grieving the loss of the relationship I once had with my husband. Many of us affected by the disease of alcoholism experience many losses and not all loss is death. I, too, have had tears in my sadness and grief and I allow myself those tears every now and then because "tears are a carwash for the soul."
I, too, have feared my hubby would die of this disease. But I am not God and there is no way I can really know what the future holds for him. I do know the best I can do for him while he is struggling to get free of this disease is take good care of myself, stay off his back and mind my own business. I do know that denial plays a big part in his disease but I am powerless over that, but I am not powerless over me. I keep working my program the very best I can, I Live and Let Live, I Let Go & Let God, I try very hard not to project into the future for all I really have is today. In Al-Anon I learned to have compassion for my hubby as I watch him struggle with this awful disease. He certainly did not ask for this disease any more than one would ask to have cancer or diabetes. I love him and for now I am right where I am supposed to be.
There have been problems with members of his family and I have learned the very best I can do is stay out of conversations with them about him or his disease. No other members of his family are in recovery and many of them, tho they are not alcoholics, have been affected by the disease and have never attended Al-Anon or any other 12 step program. With them I am polite, courteous, and respectful when I encounter them and that is good enough for me...I do not need to play "kissy face" with them. lol lol
Love in recovery - Jeri
-- Edited by shimo at 22:14, 2007-07-20
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The ultimate lesson all of us have to learn is unconditional love, which includes not only others but ourselves as well. Elisabeth Kubler-Ross
You sound very intelligent yourself and i like you name, babysteps and one day at a time. Letting go can be hard, I agree. What worked for me was the focus on detachment, reading any literature on it I could. I even carried around a cheat sheet of how to detach as knowing is one thing but understanding how and what to do is another story. At any rate, for me, working on detachment really helped me Let Go. I feel great now and it has taken away my resentments. Focusing on yourself is a great thing. Hope you enjoy your time away; your plan to read and detach sounds wonderful!
