The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
So an odd moment last night or rather this morning I thank my higher power for. At 2:45 am my phone rings...I startle awake. I see in caller ID it is my exA...out of the house 2 weeks...I have no idea where he is...we have spoken briefly and nicely a few times about practical matters. I have been suffering emotionally, as I have shared. Anyhow, so I see it is him and I answer, my little broken heart rises, hoping all is ok, hoping he is still sober(7months), I say"Hello, hon,.....hello....is everything ok....hello..." Then I hear a woman's voice, then his, then hers...... UGH! His cell phone has called me from his pocket and he is up at this insane hour with another woman and he has no idea I am hearing it all.
My reaction after initial shock and adrenaline....anger, relief and closure.
So quickly it all became clear....time for my heart to say goodbye 100%. The anger did not destroy me or turn to sorrow ...it was just anger and it hurt...and it pushed me up and over that wall...the wall between me and him. I am on the other side now. All the ways he hurt me, all the lies and violence and craziness...all the love that came after the fights....all of it I left behind.
I could not have asked for or arranged a better gift than that phone call. Only a sense of a HP or fate explains this one. This would have sent me vomitting to the toilet a few weeks ago....but I have let go...and that phone call made it clear.
I feel freer and better...my anger is justified and it will serve me well now.....I called him and left a teary message saying what I had heard and how it hurt. I said goodbye for good. Tonight a girlfriend comes over and we pack his remaining things to put them in the basement.
I feel ok. I feel free. I feel less confused. I feel thankfull. Thought I'd share.
the A I've been involved with never got another woman per se but he got plenty of other people he'd idolize and forget about me with. One year on my birthday he took that friend out instead of me. Admittedly it was because i refused to go out with him as he'd been drinking. It still hurt.
I appreciate it hurts. I also appreciate the hope that is still there There are some days when I wonder will I ever give up the hope or the bond or whatever. There are other days I am super clear.
Allow yourself a lot of time. This is painful difficult work. At the same time underneath the dirt is all that good stuff that helps us grow. I know I have grown so much from being here. Sometimes I don't like what I see but I'm no longer a people pleasing liar that I was. I never talked about how I really felt deep down till now. I scratched the surface. I know for me I have to replace the A with something I feel super passionate and loving about. I have to find some other way to live than a codependent morass of enmeshment with others.
I know what you mean, about this being a gift. It's just too weird, that of all the automated calls the phone could have made, it made one to YOU. It's like a close encounter of the fourth or fifth kind, you know??
It took something like this to give me a little push as I sat on the fence after my A was put in jail. The sheriff had asked me if I knew my A had bought a gallon of whiskey for a 13 or 14 year old girl. She OD'd and ended up in the ER, where she told on him. The thought of what he got for his efforts, and knowing this poor child she was only to happy to oblige, was the last straw, more than anything he did to me. Even if he just bought it for her, that was enough.
The anger was energizing as heck. I got all sorts of stuff done. Heavy lifting, sweating, filthy stuff. If it weren't for the restraining order I would have found him and spit in his face. The kind of person who would do that and beg me not to leave him, I have no words for.
The thing is your A had no respect or regard for you, ever, and neither did mine. His actions told me all I needed to know, and his words were extinguished.
You are so fortunate. An early morning phone call is usually NOT good news :) . Well, neither was yours, but you could have taken this differently than you did. That's why I say you are fortunate, your hard efforts are paying off.
Go girl, go! Thank God! You are free :) . Enjoy what you have made for yourself.
What a fool he is! UGH I am mad for you. No way do you need that! Good ridens to trash. That "woman" will get hers in time. Sit back and watch, revenge is mine sayeth the Lord!! lol Now go better yourself and let him see your doing well baby girl!
It's great when a member of this program gets the new vision, the new way of seening the picture. More is coming, many more miracles as you continue to work your program. In time you will replace the anger with acceptance and your actions will carry you deeper into serenity. HP is more cunning powerful and baffling than the disease.
You deserve the miracles as all here do. Keep coming back and thanks for the share.
I'm so sorry you had to go through this even though in the long term it has given you the closure you maybe need.
I know the pain of this is hard to bear, and I will remember you in my prayers.
This other woman is just someone who just happens to be there for now, for the moment. Don't read more into it. (When I endured the other woman scenario, I obsessed, and read way too much into it. Truth was he was unable to have a meaningful relationship...with anyone.) Be kind to yourself through this.
I have no doubt he will have his regrets, and will have to deal with his own losses, and his realisations, in whatever way he will. It is up to you to look after yourself now. I know you can and will.
((((Fifi)))) Wow, I am really impressed with how you handled that. Anger can be a great tool for us to use in a positive way too if we can keep our wits about us as you did!!!
I have to tell you something very similiar happened to me once too. My then wife had gone out of town on a business trip. She had been in AA for a very short time and I had not started going to al-anon yet (stilll thought there was nothing wrong with me at this point!)
Anyway, I get a call about 11:30 in the evening and I see its her on caller id too. I answer it and same thing, phone is in her pocket and it has called me without her knowledge. I can hear that she is out partying with folks in a bar somewhere. I can hear music and the tinkling of glasses and her and her friends talking and laughing.
I did NOT handle it well at all. In fact I freaked out! Screaming and whistling into the phone trying to get her attention....it was too loud where she was to hear me of course. I listened for quite a while before her phone finally "hung up" I was so very upset thinking she was probably drinking again, wondering who she was there with, etc. etc.
After I finally got off phone I was just nuts. Got in the shower to try to calm myself down...looked down and blood was running down my chest! I was so stressed out I had given myself a nose bleed!
You know, it never occurred to me to just hang up my phone and not listen.
Anyway, my point in telling you all that is so you know I can relate AND let you know why I am so proud of you for the way you are responding to it!
Thanks everyone...your support and fedback helps so much...I can sometimes appear tougher/cooler than I actually am inside (ha ha!) and the reality check of this space helps keep me grounded. Here's to all the baby steps we take together! Love, Fifi
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