The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
another member here has very compasssionately challenged me to come up with another plan b. My story is that in March this year I broke off with the A and I separated after a relationship of 7 years. I was incredibly miserable because (a) I feared for him and (b) he had our pets dogs. I did not move to a good situation. I was incredibly isolated. The good news is that I managed to get msyelf albeit some kind of temporary better work situation after putting an incredible amount of work into it.
In the meantime I started a legal process to try to recover my part of some of our mutual poessions. I got nowhere with that. i tried I got nowhere. I stopped that. I have had to regoup on that one.
At the same time I was absolutely overpowered with worry about the A. I felt certain he was really doing badly. In teality he was. He turned up homeless and penniless and confused.
His family who have never been supportive totally disowned him. They have no idea if he is living or dead and don't bother to find out.
I helped the A out of homelessness. when he called eventually I did not say no get lost I helped him. I also set a lot of limits he did not move in with me as he thought he could. In fact I never let him stay overnight with me at all (part of that was the dogs can't stay where I am) I didn't foot a mammoth hotel bill for him either as he seemed to expect. Nevertheless I did not kill myself to help him but at teh same time I had very little and very few resources and I felt tremendously conflicted about helping him when he had hurt me so tremendously for years. But I did help him. I did not turn my back on him and some of that was I had nowhere to take the dogs too that I could negotiate with what I had at the time. . He's stablized some but he isn't doing well. To my knowledge he's not using anyting and he's even stopped smoking. He got very very very few resources out there to help him. It seemed like every resource he pursued got him nowhere. Its been incredibly hard work to get him to a place where he can stay somewhere with the dogs. At the same time he's there and he's stablized.
He's found some work and got some income. Thats a long way to come from destitute and confused.
There are days when I do well detaching and other days when I may as well be living with him. There are days when I get very very very frustrated with him and forget that I'm supposed to be taking care of me. Its all "him" there are other days when I can set boundaries better than ever.
There are also other issues. The place I live at is awful. The only way I have been able to deal with it is to shove up the bastile and batton myself down. Its incredibly difficult to live in one room all the time. I've willing to work on getting rid of more of my stuff. I got nowherre, absolutely nowhere with getting the truck back. I'm looking at killing myself to get it legally and the truck is now worth less and less all the time because he's damaged it again (he had another minor accident the other day).
Ihave incredibly few alternatives to rent with pets. I have been on a mamoth search for weeks and weeks to get the A the place he has. So now I have to come up with a new plan b for myself. A way out of the craziness. I don't know what it is but it has to be better than the one I cobbled together before. I have to negotiate some things out of the A somehow one would be to have the car he has which needs some work done on it. That would give me more options.. I have to try to get my pets a decent home. with me long term. And I do mean long term because short term I got nowhere. I got him a place that is incredibly basic, not some palace, really super basic. I did that and I take full responsiblity for it. I did not let him be homeless but I do not get that involved with promising him anything long term. There is no long term with him because he's so self destructive in his behavior and actions.
I think for me personally that plan b will mean leaving the state I am because the cost of living here is so absolutely crazy. It may not. I need to brain storm this. I also need to work on ways to not be roped in every other second when he has a crisis as he did last night. I'm not sure how I will do that. I do know I've been inspired recently partly because of recent things I have learned of alternatives I can have that I can live with rather than exist with as I am now. There are choices I can make. Right now all of them are long term choices.
I've been here two years now. I used to come and just complain about him all the time and feel stuck. I am still "stuck" in some ways, very many ways. I feel sad and angry at him. At the same time I'm not totally immoblized with depression in ways I once was.
At one time I used to come here and say I didn't like the choices I had to make. All of them invovled what he was going to do. Now the choices I make involve what am I'm going to do. I care about him yes, very very deeply. I cared that he almost destroyed himself and I knew he was doing that. I know that's small progress but for me its progress. I no longer am railing against what he brought to me. I am looking very very hard at what can I do and when can I do it.
Maresie, I am going to be brutally honest here. I am a dog owner myself but if it came down to me living in a decent place or a shack because of my dogs. I KNOW I would find them good homes and take care of myself. It's nice of you to help out your ex but he should be a last priority at this point. I don't know who cohearsed you into making a new plan B but they should have put YOU as #1. Only we can make things worse or better for ourselves and we have to work hard for it. I believe if we are finding it very difficult to do things in life then we are going the wrong way. We shouldn't be swimming upstream in life. We should be drifting gently with it's current. This is why one of the main rules in al anon is to take care of yourself first. Your not doing that. I hope things go easier for you. ^i^
Well I don't actually live with my dogs. The A does. I do not live with him. I live about 50 miles away actually. The ahack issue is a good analogy because I can't even afford that and I make more than I did for a long long time. The rents here just went up like 11%.
I do think I am taking care of myself. One is to plan. How can i make a plan b that works. Clearly mine of cutting off all ties with him didn't. I didnt' cut off my feelings. I detached a great deal but we still had all these things and pets that bound us.
I know people can say well if it were me I would let go of my pet but you are not me. I have no children, no famly and am incredibly isolated of course I miss my pets. I don't cry about them every day as I did but I certainly miss them. I can however in time create another life for myself. I have to make that life more exciting alluring and bonding than my bond with the A. I am not there yet. I can't be anything but honest. I am not in that space where I can just make it one day at a time I have to find some kind of vision that will lift me out of keep going back to the A. He is not in danger now. He is not homeless. I do not worry that he is dead anymore. That is a huge weight off my shoulders.
At the same time back to me, I am getting older I am 52. I am poor. I am disabled. I need to think what I am going to do where my life won't feel like a huge empty shell when I am without him.
I have allowed the chaos, mess/obsession with him to take over my entire life. Now I need a plan b out. I am sure there is one. I just have to do it.
The one I have is not working.
I have to work out what I can and can't do. I am not there yet either.
Maybe you are trying to do too much, all at once? If you can do one thing, no matter how small, to make your life better, every day - that might be possible. Once you start getting a little joy into your life, it will be easier to detach from his problems.
There are lots of ways to take care of you that cost little or nothing, and make you feel more like a person who deserves to be taken care of. Eating better, getting some exercise, reading instead of watching TV, small physical pampering - doing your nails, trimming split ends - all of these things really do help turn your life around, without being too hard to do. 20 minutes of yoga, a wholegrain bagel instead of white bread for your toast, a pot of fresh mint on the windowsill to put in your tea - and the day has started off better.
It seems that your dogs are keeping you tied to your A, and in a way are hostages that he can hold over you. It may end up that you have no choice but to find them good homes, and let them go. I hate to suggest this, as I know how much joy your animals can give you.
I think you are working very hard on yourself Maresie. And you are very honest. Reading your posts is like sitting with you. You are right there in all your glory. No one is running away screaming. It's hard for me to admit to myself much less others that "I'm not there yet". I'm too hard on myself, I think I should be where I'm not yet, and your example is good for me.
Even if you aren't there yet you are moving toward it, you want to go there. From what I hear in the program that is what it takes, willingness and honesty and open mindedness. Look how far you've come, I sure can see it.
One thing I've learned in my separation from my A is that there are so many options for me that just haven't occurred to me YET. I don't see them YET. I used to believe (and still do in some things) that if I can't see it it isn't there.
I have kids AND pets and can't just let any of them go lightly :) .
You are doing your best, and have courage to change.
This sort of reminds me of a hiking trip my A and I took back when things were good. It was 14 miles in sand on a gradual uphill slope. It was in the desert, so we were carrying our water, my backpack was 55 pounds and I was thinner then, so I was carrying almost half of my weight on my back.
We'd hike on and on and on, then check the GPS thingy and find we'd walked ONE STUPID MILE. I just wanted to fall down. I DID fall over once b/c of the weight of the backpack. But anyway so many times I wanted to say "Screw this crap", it was such slow going.
We got to a dry waterfall about 50 ft high. The A scrabbled up it like a monkey and I took two steps, lost my balance, and lost my temper too! I screamed and cursed for a while, until we both came up with the brilliant idea to unload about thirty pounds from my back pack and stash it behind some rocks.
I got up that dry waterfall on the first try, no hanging onto a rock and looking down and saying NO WAY. It was so stupidly easy. No it wasn't a vertical cliff, but steep. I just had to unload the excess baggage, I was carrying too much FOR ME.
I think I'm so tough. I was one of those little girls who played with boys, didn't cry when she got hurt, played with bugs and snakes. This became a martyr complex, I never said No, I always said Yes. I should be able to do ANYTHING, right?? If I can't, I'm a failure.
Drop some of the baggage, whatever that is. It might not be your A, or your dogs, or your cramped unhappy living situation. But there is always something we are carrying that we don't need RIGHT NOW. Whatever that is for you, only you can know. I usually have to ask someone still, I don't trust myself much in this department yet. But if what they say rings a little bell with me, I'll take their advice and at least become WILLING to let it go :) . I might still be clutching for dear life but I start by being willing.
I sure as heck enjoyed that hiking trip with an appropriately weighted back pack. Honestly it was strenuous, sometimes scary, sometimes very boring and UPHILL all the way. But looking back, it was a real success. I never thought to apply this to my situation, so your post has helped me today, so thanks.
If you are doing the best that you can, and I think you are. Then what is, just plain IS for now. Starting over at 52 isn't a walk in the park. Looking back, you've come a loooong way GF. There's no doubt in my mind that whatever you set your mind to, you can do. If survival means leaving the state then maybe that's an option to think about. Got any lonely frinds in another state? Take your time with your plan B if your current situation isn't working for you. I think we all secretly have a plan B anyway. At least, it sure isn't a bad idea to have one.
Take care, you're OK *wink*
p.s. you might want to check out my link at the bottom :)
Christy
__________________
If we think that miracles are normal, we will expect them. And expecting a miracle is the surest way to get one.
I thought about a few things while I was gone from this site. Have you applied for disability? It may help with rent. Also, whatever town you live in there should be renters that go off of what you bring in. Sometimes there are places that give up to $3000 to get you started. Not sure what it is in your county. Also, have you applied for foodstamps and maybe cash assistance from them? They also may have housing information for you. Have you gone around to all of the churches in your area and see what they can help you with? Put your pride aside and just ask. There are some very kind people out there....Again, just tossing out some ideas for you that maybe you haven't thought about. 52 isn't death yet. You still have the other half that you can live well. I agree that this man is holding you hostage with the dogs otherwise he'd say "I'm homeless and they need to be taken care of" I don't even want to think about how they are eating or getting their monthly heartworm medication. Is this all worth it? Maybe you can watch a few movies like "Pursuit of Happiness" and some uplifting movies that show people that have gone from povery to careers. You can get a job online typing. Just do ONE thing everyday to better yourself. Call everyone in your area that has resources. Just keep them for yourself and not your ex. You might have to accept that he may become homeless again for his own doing. You can not keep being his savior. Are you holding onto him because you think that's all you have? If that's the case you need to reach out to some caring people. You do have us and we are all telling you about the same thing. We really do care about you.
Maresie, I think you are working very hard and I know from my own experience it is a hard call to fully detach. I think it is clear that you are setting boundaries and don't be too hard on yourself, take it easy, it is worth check out all resources and even acting will help, check out what you are entitled to, no more no less, you are not a fraud doing that, and you are fully entitled to take care of yourself. The dog situation is very tricky and I will pray for you for that one. Explore all avenue,
(((((((Marsie)))))) I just had what I call a brain fart. Would there be any way possible for you to trade places with the A, and you and all your pets live there till you find a better place or 2nd plan B? I can clearly see what a kind and truly loving person you are, always putting the A and the dogs first, but it is really time to take care of Marsie. In my mind, you are in a worse place than the A.. Just a thought, take care of you. Sending lots of prayers and warm thoughts your way, with love, TLC
what an incredible amount of love and connection I feel here. I will have much to thnk about this weekend. I will not be seeing the A till Sunday when he is moving some car that he really should have got rid of years ago. I will have time to think and devise.
I know none of this is long term. I have to try to thnk both short term and long term. I also know that one of the things that ties me to the A is an incredible bone chilling loneliness I have had all my life. In some ways his chaos and needing me fills that deep core ache I have. Of course I am wiling to look at all this. There are many ways the A meets my needs and many ways he just totally invalidates and destroys my life. The paradox is he is getting worse no matter whether he uses or not. His thinking is way way off most of the time as is mine of course. That is one reason I so desperately need al anon.
Oh Maresie, I can so relate to that fear of bone-chilling lonliness and also the need to be needed. As a matter of fact, that was one thing that attracted me to my A! (co-dependant or what! LOL). I had just seperated from my Ex, who had never made me feel needed. I had been terribly lonely throughout my 23 year marriage, now his present wife is going through the same. The only reason I think he wanted to be married was because he liked being waited on, cooked for, cleaned up after... At the end of my marriage, I was very depressed one day, I just felt like walking into the water and just keep on going. I had never felt that bad before. I was on the beach, sitting on a rock. I asked God to give me a sign that He was there with me. Then I spotted a very special rock (I've been a rockhound since I could walk, practically). To me, that was my sign. I invited God into my soul. I had a feeling of pure JOY. (I had never felt it before, and its hard to describe) At that very moment, I knew I would never feel so alone again. In the past 10 years, since I've been with my A, I wasn't afraid of being alone if we broke up. Funny, I have also given up many 'friends'. My so-called best friend hated my A because he made me happy. (friends like that, who needs enemies?) I knew how to BE a friend, but I took a good look at my so-called friends, and actually prefer to be without them. The friends I have made since coming here are a very special kind of people, like you! So, you need never feel you are alone, we, your alanon family are here and love you very much! I pray for you to my God (HP) that someday, you will meet a very special person who will love and appreciate you for just exactly who you are. With Love, TLC
