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Hi everyone, Today is the first day I have visited this site and was referred to it through a book I have been reading. I am glad to be here and have all hopes that I have found a place to learn, grow and have an outlet. I have a 21 year old son who is an alcoholic. He lives with my fiance and I along with my fiances son and my daughter who is here part time as I share joint custody of her with my ex-husband. My son is a wonderful person when he is sober. He is quiet, holds alot of things inside, and has alot of anger built up inside him. When sober he is easy to get along with and he does have morally correct intentions. When drinking on the other hand, he turns into someone completely differant and I have noticed that he has lost many close friends (who also drink, but can't stand to be around him), he has lost family members who absolutely love him but cannot have part of him. The most important person that I feel he lost is his dad. Due to certain circumstances that my son has caused due to his drinking has even caused his dad to distance himself from our son in order to keep his own life somewhat sane. My son has made many, many mistakes due to drinking and he never ever learns. He doesn't see that he has lost many important people in his life, he will not admit (but has in the past) that he has a problem. I know until the A realizes and accepts he has a problem and gets help for it things will never change. Can anyone give any suggestions or share any similiar experiences with me as to what I as his mom and basically the only one left for him. He has caused his own problems and he's had to face many consequences for them. He is totally dependant on me. As I've mentioned earlier, he lives in my home, he is willing to work and has held jobs but the drinking always comes in the way in some way shape or form and loses them. He doesn't have a licence. Guess why? That's a whole differant story. Anyway, I have to drive him back and forth to all his meetings and other commitments he must stay commited to. I also work full time. I'm sorry if I'm sounding victim like. I don't mean to. I've read somewhere not to allow yourself to be the victim of a A so I'm working on that one still. But in any case he still drinks and destroys me and my whole world. It consumes everything in this household. He may only drink 2 maybe 3 nights a week but on those nights it's drama all night long and a couple of times it has got way past just drama. He knows the rules of the house and on the 2-3 nights a week he ignores them. I've come right down to telling him to pack his things and go live somewhere else but unfortunatly as he has burnt his bridges everywhere else he literally has no where to turn. As his mom I can't just throw him away to live on the side of the streets. I try day in and day out to encourage him to see and be aware of his problem and nag him for not respecting the rules of the house. On the 4-5 days of the week that he is sober, he helps around the house and yard in so many ways. As I've said he is a good person with good intentions and he also is a very hard worker but then the booze comes into the picture his personality completely changes and nobody wants to be around him. He and my stepson do not get along at all and that makes matters worse. My fiance and I may have to live apart because of this and I feel that is totally unfair to us as our children are 21 and 19 years old and niether one of them are anywhere close to mature. My stepson has issues in life but they have nothing to do with addiction. I read alot of stories about husband and wives separating/divorcing over alcoholism but that cannot be done. I am his mom. His drinking stems from depression which in turn is from his current relationship with his dad. This has been told to me by many medical professionals. He has been advised to seek counseling about specifically that relationship but will not hear of it. But as I sit back over the past 2 years I have come to the realization that it is not his dad, his stepmom, his grandparents, me or anyone else. His problems are caused by his disease which at this time he refuses to believe he has. My son has high blood pressure and has to take medicaion for it everyday. He has attempted suicide twice but both times he was admitted to the hospital and each time the medical professionals told me it was a cry for help. They did advise an anti-depressant and counseling which he refuses to take. All though I have read that anti-depressants with teens may lead to suicide. He is not a tean but close enough for me. He does go to alcohol counseling only because it's court orderd but I see it does no good. But who am I to judge I suppose it could be worse right? Anyway, I could go on and on but I'll stop. Thank you all for listening and I thank you all in advance for any help or info. Hugs Kelley
Glad you decided to join our board - Also hope that you will try to attend an Al-Anon meeting, read some recovery literature and continue reaching out for help. This is what has helped me learn to take care of myself regardless of the actions of the alcoholics in my life.
Keep coming back - don't give up before the miracles happen in You - You deserve them.
Rita
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No matter what me and my God are going to be ok, even better than OK -
Well there are plenty of books that are pretty good. One is Getting them sober which is a big help I thnk because its versed in some pretty plain language.
One of our members here recently said concentrate on the whats not the whys. I know a lot of reasons why my A boyfriend drank. The issue for me is not why, its what. He doesnt drink currently yet his life is such a mess. He always puts it on me to help him. Lately I have been insisting he ask others which is a tall story since there are no "others".
There is a lot to this. Some days we can merely do the best we can. I know obsessing and fretting and grieving has been an ongoing issue for me. These days I try to focus on what can I do for me. Each day I work on getting better.
Speaking as someone who's been here a while like a year or two I'd say for me at least its taken a long long time to work the program. For ever and a day I just put out what I was dealing with. Then I started to learn tools of what to do when I was dealing with the A. I started to learn to put me in the equation too.
I know full well what it is to live with a raging alcoholic, for me the raging is whether he drinks or not Some of the issues are off the table when he isn't using but then the behavior is still there. The behavior I have in response to this is so so key. I tend to over react, obsess, try to control him. Of course sometimes some of his messes are reasons to react. Other times they aren't.
For me it isnt in addition that the A has burned out good people its some of the people who he hangs around with and his family who are really problematic. Lately he's been dealing with a friend who he has been working with whose middle name is demand. I did serious serious busiiness on getting this friend out of my life yet when the A is around him it definitely affects me on many levels. I feel burned to the crisp as a result. So for me personally there are huge huge boundaries about putting up with some of the people the A drags in. He's famous for bringing in people who are homless or who "need" and who I am supposed to provide for.
I see all that as some of the boundary issues many of us deal with as a resiult of alcholism.
In addition, some of us deal with multiple problems. The A I'm involved with has major medical issues (some of which directly relate to alcoholism) he also has some major depression issues. There is also absolutely no quesiton that he managed his depression for years in dysfunctional ways.
There is also for me bottom line the issues of how I behave around the alcoholic. Lately I have been raging and feeling burned out. I have set limits around that. I have also felt exasperated. Those are all red flags to me now that I need to readjust my boundaries.
One of my core issues is that when I was completely separate from the A for a matter of weeks, I was worried sick about him. In some ways it works much much better for me to be in regular contact with him. I know instinctively when he is in deep trouble. For some people there is no quesiton of bottom they don't have one.
I am so glad for you that you are here. There are no promises here that life sudenly gets better but there is our own experience strength and hope. Dealing with an A is difficult, with al -anon you can bring in elements of sanity.
Welcome to the MIP family group. Hope you get some good experience, strength, and hope here. I know I have. Sorry to hear about your son. You brought up some good points in your post that I picked up on. First, your son is not ready to admit he is powerless over alcohol, second, he has burned his "bridges" and relationships with friends,employers, his father, whomever else. There is a saying in Alanon, You did not cause his disease, you cannot control his disease with anything you do, and you cannot cure his disease with anything you do. Your son must be willing to sacrifice and do whatever it takes to get sober and stay sober, then he must be willing to spend some time working and learning this recovery program. That takes complete honesty on his part. You asked what your part was as a mother. I am a mom, my husband is an addict. I have thought about this many times. No one can tell you what to do in this situation it is completely your choice. If you set a boundary with your son then there must be a consequence if he crosses that boundary. Your job at that point is to enforce the boundary. (For example if he chooses to drink in your home he's bringing the entire family into chaos with him, if you don't want him to drink in the home, make it a boundary that he must drink outside of the home). The boundary is for your peace, serenity, and protection, not your son's. If he chooses to waste his life and health on booze there is nothing you will ever be able to do to get him to stop. That is a sad reality... I had to come to terms with that reality too. Should you give up your life and your dreams of happiness to suffer because your son has this disease? Will your suffering help him get sober? Probably not. The best thing you can do for your son, is to get help for you. Find a meeting if you can and learn and work the program. It really does work if you work it. I hope you keep posting to us you will get lots of support here. Take One Day At A Time.
Peace, Twinmom~
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"The people who don't mind matter and the people who mind, don't matter". (Dr. Seuss)
I feel your pain. I hear your love and concern for your son and I'm so glad you found us.
Al-Anon teaches us to detach with love from the alcoholic. The detachment is for our benefit so we don't go down with the A; in other words, we learn to take care of ourselves by taking our focus off the A. We learn to set boundaries and not to accept unacceptable behavior. In turn, this is what helps the A.
We work the 12 steps and work on ourselves. We go to face-to-face meetings as often as we can. None of this happens overnight.
Al-Anon taught me how to make the decisions that were right for me and gave me the courage to carry through.
I know it's so hard to see your own son drinking to the point that his behavior is unacceptable. I wish you the best & keep coming back - we're here for you.
