The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Yesterday the restraining order was finally processed and accepted by the judge. It is for one year (!!) and in the paperwork the A can come out ONCE with a law officer to get the rest of his belongings.
His lawyer also filed that lawsuit about splitting the property assets yesterday. In it the A demands the judge orders the property sold and proceeds split, or a lien is placed on the property in the A's name. So I retained my lawyer for THIS one. The lawyer sicced his assistant on how to conceptualize my countersuit as the A and I were never legally married.
It's all very anticlimactic. I'm well into the reality of living without the A, and facing the near future. The RO, while vitally necessary is just "there" and now all the real work begins.
My son is up here "checking it out" (he's 20) to see if a southern California boy can switch to North Idaho :D. He went with me to court and ended up talking with the A for a while in the waiting area. He told my son he was going to meetings every day, working every day, and that he and I should go to counseling because we've been together too long to just let it end this way. Honest, I didn't dig this out of my kid :D .
To see the A looking healthy, to hear he SAYS he's going to meetings and keeping his nose clean was a tug on my heart, but you know, I just can't be with a person who might do this again. He's relapsed twice in the seven years of the relationship. He's been a mean jerk, he's been violent and threatened violence uncountable times. God only knows who he's been with and what he's done while he was out there binging. He CHOSE to continue with his drug use and carousing for the last year of his relapse. He refused to get some help, and when he did make an attempt by staying with the AA meeting founder up here, he sabotaged it.
He did NOT stop until the law stopped him, until the money was gone, and until I set a boundary (the restraining order) he could not violate without breaking the frickin LAW.
I've seen his bottom, and perhaps this isn't even it. Nevertheless! I imagine myself telling the A, "There's a limit to what I can live with, and I can't live with you, what you've done, and what you might do in the future. I have choices, and I choose not to put myself in a position where I'd ever have to go through this kind of hell again. Not everyone can stay, and I'm one of them."
I might have deeply loved this very sick and low-bottomed addict, I certainly felt my heart plunge to see him look and act relatively normally. I've never loved anyone like I loved him. We were so close we'd both be thinking the same thing, and one of us would speak up to the surprise of the other, "I was just thinking about that!!". We had great compatibility in most all aspects. We loved each other through all kinds of stuff.
But he went far, far beyond what I choose for myself to endure.
Loving him, being attatched to him, it's all not worth what I did endure, and because he will always be an addict even if he goes to AA daily for the rest of his life, there will always be the possibility of this happening again. I choose not to take that path. Love is not enough. My longing for what he was when I met him is not enough. This is my life here, and it is not a thing to be casually given to share.
So I'm moving on, my heart is heavy but getting lighter day by day. Perhaps the dark night of the soul is over?? Perhaps the light at the end of the tunnel is that soft glow I see ahead? I choose me, I choose life, love, belonging and hope. I do not choose to share that with him. I'm so sorry, but I won't.
Thanks for listening Alanon family! Just thinking about all of you out in cyberspace, and my face to face Alanon and AA friends here in town lifts my spirit. I'm grateful every minute for all of you!
Hugs, a big pat on the back and huge amounts of respect from me to you. Isn't it nice to finally be able to see the light at the end of the tunnel and realize it is not the train heading at you...
Continue taking marvelous care of yourself. You deserve it!!!!!!
I understand about not wanting to ride this particular merry-go-round again. At this point in my journey not would I only not date anyone with an addiction of any form or a child with an addiction of any form....if I were starting over again today I would not date anyone with a child. Having watched my partners daughter and being powerless, (mainly because of having my hands tied by my partner) this is how I feel today.
You inspire me friend.
lilms
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Two things: 1. Recovery is a process, not an event.....and.... 2. You only get to go around once. Leave em laughing and make it worth your while
Wow, you sound so strong, I know I have sounded strong and felt weak but eventually started feeling strong. I think that's the fake it till u make it part! It must have been hellish to have to be in the courthouse with the A and see him and then to have him APPEARING to be better ugggggghhhh. He could have at least shown up sauced and filthy so it would be easy! I've been thru the I'm getting betters so many times over the past year yet there he is in prison so one week is one thing forever is a whole nother.... Sounds like the chaos is dying down. Did I mention I used to live in Sagle? Don't know where u r in Idaho but sounds pretty close. It must have been a hard move, I remember them not liking Californians too much there. I hope that you find the courage to stick to your guns and roll with the punches that are ahead!
I am so glad that your son can be there to support you. I am also glad paradoxially the A is sober. Maybe he can start to see the place he put you in.
I've been there on the long legal battles with an A. I can't imagine what it'll take for you to get through this. He sounds bitter and angry and nasty.
That brings me to one of the paradoxes. Sometimes they can be together and focused and anger seems to do it for them. Anger seems to discombobulate me. Other times the A is all over the place.
I wish I could completely unemesh but I'm not there yet. I'm aware, I'm wiling but I am not there yet. I can still be hooked in so so easily.
I do believe each of us has our limits on what we can take. You sound like you've had your fill of this disease and the uncertainties it can bring. No one can fault you or judge you for that. You are healthier now and your decisions are for you, not to please someone else. Glad you have the RO in place so you can focus on the other things in your life. This will all work out the way HP wants it to. Who knows maybe your son will want to join you. The possibilities are endless, but HP still intends it to be for good. Wishing you lots of peace and joy tonight.
Twinmom~
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"The people who don't mind matter and the people who mind, don't matter". (Dr. Seuss)
You are a great example of "courage to change". Along with your heart getting "lighter" each day, I bet you will smile a little more each day, too. Wishing you the best!!!
with love, cj
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time to stop going to the hardware store to buy bread.
I know how hard this is for you. I went through a RO and being abused. It's ok to be with a recovering A but it is NOT ok to be with someone who is violent, not verbally or physically. I still do alot of grieving for my ah even tho we are still married, we have been apart so long that I have no idea who he is. You may come to a point where you really want him to find someone and stay sober and hope he's happy. I can't feel like the eight years I've been kinda (we've lived apart) were a waste of time. I've learned what I DON'T want in a relationship. I've grown up as a woman. I can't say if I will eventually be with my ah like I used to. No one can say if you will either. People change, some don't. Whatever the future holds at least we know what we deserve now. Keep reminding yourself that it's his loss and pray as hard for him as you do yourself. Hugs and Kisses. :)
And you are right where you want to be in Idaho. Isn't life bitter sweet? His disease can still be talking even in sobriety. I guess we have to grieve our losses.
I remember being there and doing that!! I still love to ride roller coasters. The bigger the badder the better. This disease is the biggest and baddest and I don't wish it on the best of the rc riders.
Keep and open mind and keep this program just within the minute or 24 hours that HP gives you and then give it all to HP with an open mind and spirit.
You surely don't have to justify yourself and what you have done to protect yourself to me. What happened to you is real and you made appropriate choices and followed thru.
His getting sober or not is his business. If he does and keeps it up on a daily basis he lives. If he doesn't...he doesn't. You have left the playing field and the arena and I think you also haven't turned on the game on the TV to find out how it is going. Let it go completely constantly.
That's why I keep coming back. Everyone here cares, and the caring makes me stronger.
I have enough on my plate now. Like generating income, building foundations for a healthier future. "Watching the A on TV" (that is so funny and true, Jerry!) is a distraction that only leads me down THOSE paths. I am away from him now so that I don't have to suffer that crap anymore. Yet the temptation to flip the channel for a quick look-see tempts me. To be honest, I either gloat and feel superior or hostile. Gee, those are sure fun feelings to have.
Thanks for your responses and on going support. What's neat is I can come back and read your responses when I feel unsure or down. Today is a good day though!
Woo-hoo!
