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I'm not sure how this is going to come out. My husband is an alcoholic and has been sober for 5 days. He is an extremely determined person, whose fault is to give 110% at everything he does. That included his drinking. What started as a way for us to add some fun to already fun activities spiraled out of control and he decided he needed to stop once and for all.
I have been debating whether or not to start attending al-anon meetings. After all, he was never abusive while drunk and his drinking certainly was not a problem for me, since we used to drink together (I would stop way before he did and he always tried to push me to have one more drink). We have agreed that I will continue to drink socially although certainly not in the amount or frequency in which I used to. Does anybody have advice as to whether al-anon would be a good fit for me?
I started in alanon after my husband sobered up. I mostly did it to be a good wife, to support his sobriety. Only after some time in the program, and some look at what sobriety really meant (no, it did NOT solve all of our problems) did I realize that I needed the program for myself.
Why not give it a chance, read some of the literature (you can get it from the library if you don't want to commit to buying it) spend some time reading the older posts here, and see what you think? It can't hurt, it doesn't cost anything, and you may get some insight that can help you. Not everything here applies to everyone, and it isn't meant to. Look around, see what can help you, and use it.
Only your ah can tell you if he is an alcoholic and honestly, they usually do not up and quit just like that. Be cautious for him sneaking drinks at this point. Not saying he will but that's what mine did. He didn't want to let me down so he tried to do it around me. I found bottles or cans on the side of the house where I don't go. He hid them under things, in the garage on top of shelves in boxes I could not reach, ect. My ah was never abusive either. The disease started to get me upset and I would argue. He started getting really pissed at me because I was the one standing in his way of drinking and forgetting. I was no the enemy. He "accidentally" pushed me. He "accidentally" shoved me. He "accidentally" choked me and he "accidentally" punched me in the eye. Always sorry! The whole thing took years and got worse a tiny bit at a time. It was a cycle. A honey moon cycle. I have three children so I have never been able to go to al-anon. I got personal counseling. This board was all I had/have. Drinking didn't seem like that big of deal and I thought it was as simple as "if he loves me or the kids he'll quit" omg it so was NOT like that. It meant more then his own life. I would try al-anon. If not come back here. It would be nice if your ah was that strong to just quit. He might go down as the first in history to quit just like that. I'd love to hear that that's the case! Good luck hunnie ^i^
welcome doll , determination is a wonderful thing ,but this disease often brings A's to thier knees . this is a powerful disease who takes down alot of good people . My husb too is the same personality type and he quit the firs time by himself , but sober was and is not the answer to lifes problems he remained dry for 8 months but became more an more angry and agitated as time wore on eventually he left our home for 9 months , he started to drink a few weeks after h e left , In sobriety he said he left so he could drink and he culd not do it in front of us . He continued to drink for 8 months until he became so desperate that he tried sobriety again this time with the help of AA , thank God I had been in Al-Anon for a few yrs by then ,he has been sober for 19 yrs now and every yr gets a little better for both of us and I still attend my meetings on a reg basis , I go for me it has nothing to do with him and hasn't for along time now this is a program for living my life , to make it better. I hope u try our program for a few months and then decide if Al-Anon is where you belong . Louise
I am relatively new to the program. I grew up in an alcoholic family (and my father is still an alcoholic) .... I have to say I only came to alanon after meeting my current husband who is a recovering alcoholic 12 years. He suggested it, not for him but for me!
I really think that EVERYONE should go to alanon! It is a very healthy way to live. I see it this way (I'm a dietitian)... and when a patient winds up with diabetes and has to follow a diabetic diet - they are usually upset. Really - a diabetic diet is just a very healthy way of eating - it is how everyone should eat regardless of whether they have diabetes or not.
I feel the same way about alanon (or any 12 step program really).... It is a healthy way to live. So why not give it a try? It can't hurt. Just for today.
They say newcomers should give it at least a 6 meeting try before deciding if it is or isn't right for them.
My first instinct while reading your post was that your husband's drinking is probably worse than you think it is if he is the one saying he's got a problem and needs to stop. A's are notorious for hiding how often and the quantity they are consuming. You'd also not believe how many wives have actually told their A husbands that they couldn't be As -- convincing them that they actually weren't when they were. (we have our own denial, lol)
If he is ready to quit, if he sees he's having a problem, then I'd say yes, Alanon is for you. If you can, find a face to face (f2f) meeting in your area and pick up some literature. Then give it six meeting before decide. Read as much as you can about this disease and about alanon (How Alanon works for Families and Friends of Alcoholics is a good starting place).
Welcome, Dollface. Anyone who's life is affected by someone else's drinking or drug use is welcome to come to Alanon. On the surface every alcoholic looks different but it's only in the details. I used to work in a rehab and do intakes, and I had people coming in for treatment from all kinds of drinking backgrounds, the solo drinkers who are so ashamed of their problem their spouse's barely know how bad they've gotten, to alcoholics in acute liver failure who STILL deny they have a problem, they are in treatment to avoid jail.
Beneath the details it's all the same, though. If your husband thinks he has a problem, he's the expert on himself. I think it is fantastic that he is able to be this honest with himself and you. I wish him the best in his efforts to take his life back from a disease that kills our loved ones every day not to mention breaking OUR hearts.
As for you, Alanon is about you and your life. The rest has already been said so well!
Hope to see you around here again, and please don't hesitate to come ask questions even if you still aren't sure if Alanon is something you want to get into. It's not a "you're in or out" sort of club :) . Thanks for posting!
Thank you for your input and advice. I ended up going to an al-anon meeting over my lunch break. It took me 15 minutes before I realized that I was at the AA meeting and not where I was supposed to be! Once I found the correct room, I was met with a group of people that albeit supportive, had very little in common with me. See, I know my husbands drinking isnt my fault, I know its not his either. He was never abusive while drunk, so my self-esteem didnt suffer because of his disease; I an perfectly aware that this is a process and all we have is today. What I am having a hard time dealing with helping him see that his life isnt over just because he cannot drink. We can still travel and enjoy the things we did before; hes just going to have to stay sober this time. We are both lawyers and therefore, very stubborn, opinionated people; and this meeting seemed to me like a place for people to come and feel sorry for themselves and get a pat in the back from others who were also feeling sorry for themselves.
I will continue to look for a meeting where I can feel the support of a group without the condescension. My husband suggested maybe an open AA meeting. For now, I will remain a member of this online community because so far, it has been the only place what has given me some real-life perspective and allowed me to feel like I belong.
Yeah, not every meeting is for everybody, and we all come to recovery from different avenues. Keep looking around. Early sobriety is very difficult - your husband may be singing a very different tune a couple of months from now, and it is helpful to know the best way to deal with that, both for your good and for his.
Doll, There are a few of us here that do not give "cookie cutter" responses and tell it like it is. We usually get in trouble too. Al anon has some rules that we have to follow. I don't like to listen to the "victim" role either. Unless you've walked in someones shoes you can not possibly understand their situation. I usually post to the members that I can relate with. You would be surprised how fast you can slip into someone's shoes by living with an alcoholic so it might be wise to read or listen to everyone. It could be you one day. Life with an alcoholic never levels out, it never becomes normal. It ALWAYS gets worse. No one is special, it takes down everyone. Keep trying other meetings. I liked my therapist who was knowledgable (sp) about alcohol and alcoholic behaviors. She was very to the point and that's what I needed. Good luck and keep coming back if you can. You'll find some members you click with and some you don't. That's just life. lol
Hi, my opinion is that no one can go wrong by attending Al-Anon meetings. Almost everyone knows an alcoholic and most people aren't educated in what alcoholism is and how to deal with it if it becomes necessary.
What I've observed is that most people who come into Al-Anon are really in painful situations, but not all.
If you're husband wants to go to AA, then I believe he's serious about not wanting to drink. You could go with him if he wants you to, or you could go to open AA meetings by yourself. I found that open AA meetings taught me a lot about how AA's deal with losing their best friend (alcohol). Most alcoholics I've met gave it up because for one reason or another, they "had" to.
My AH told me that he gave it up by himself "cold turkey." I found out later, that this wasn't exactly true. I do believe that he doesn't use alcohol now but that he is a "dry drunk." The reason I say that is because his unacceptable behavior still raises it's ugly head (I just don't react to it). Alcoholism is a complex disease.
I wish you the best. You are always welcome in Al-Anon whether your A is drinking or not.
as you can see, this my first post on this board. I also asked myself if this was the right place for me.
I spent 10 years as a kid with an alcoholic step father. Life was hard in between fighting and money pronlem but I never felt the need to ask for help and consider myself pretty sane of spirit. At the worst I used to run away from home for a few days to a friend's house.
I then married a lovely guy (or so I thought). We used to drink together as so called social drinking, life carried on and we had 2 kids. I grew up with the new responsabilities. Instead, his drinking got out of hand and became another person. I tried everything to resolve this problem. After 10 years, I gave up the fighting with his 'illness'. I realised that I was destroying myself and just losing my time.
I am now frequenting an another alcoholic 2 years sober and you can call me crazy for starting a relationship of that type again, although 'sober' is new to me. He told me about Al-Anon and this how I got here. I never tought I could need 'support', I have always done great by myself.
Is this the right place for me??? I do not know for sure yet. I participated to 2 online meetings and read a lot on this site. I am not ashamed to say that more then once, I had tears to my eyes and that fact, made me realise then after all maybe I need to free some of my feelings and talk about it (I have always been the type to put on a smily face and keep my mouth shut about what's been going on in my life). I am reading words about motivation, expectation, projection, detachement... and do not understand them but deep inside it sinks in little by little that I could better myself being here.
I give it a try as I have nothing to loose being here and I am sure that at the end I will gain a lot.
Just for today.