The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Hi Everyone, I am new here and firstly I am just so delighted to have come across your board. Tonight my heart is heavy almost breaking. Whilst My husband of 30 years lies snoring in a drunken stupor on the settee downstairs... I can remember a week ago when he promised me he would stop, and he did until tonight. He has upset our grown up kids. My eldest daughter gets obsessive about finding where he hides his bottles, My son has just moved out at 19 and lives far away now. He is so embarrased by his fathers behaviour when he drinks. He is a silent drinker, always hidden. He does not think he needs AA help to help with drink problem. I need help though, because although I have always been strong, and have a sense of humour and normally can smile through anything. The secrets of living with a silent drinker are hurting me bad, Tonight I feel embarrased and so angry as a friend came to visit me and my DH was so drunk he was so inappropriate with her.also telling her about our financial affairs.. it was horrible. He has done this before. I need advice on what to do.. what to say to him tomorrow when he is sober. He is a retired firefighter and it is diffiicult to say when his drinking started, he has bottles hidden everywhere. It is more difficult as we have a business at home now and work together. My story is long but any advice you can give me will be heaven to my ears Thanks for listening Much love Petal
Hello Petal, and welcome to the Board, I think that a good idea might be for you to find a meeting in your area and attend to see if what Al-Anon is saying makes sense to you. I'm new also, and began attending meetings a few weeks ago. I come to the message board for information and support from people who have been where I am now - just learning what the disease of alcoholism is about and what I can do to make my life more manageable, whether the alcoholic in my life is drinking or not. Between the meetings, the message boards, and the literature (several books, online sites/webpages, pamphlets, etc.), I feel like the weight of the world has been lifted off my shoulders. I am also learning and understanding my part in this situation, so that I can begin to make sane choices about my life, rather than trying to control the lives of those around me. It's very free-ing to realize that their happiness and sanity doesn't depend on me, and mine doesn't depend on them. I hope this helps. Take care, Marion
__________________
Vocatus atque non vocatus, Deus aderit ("Bidden or not bidden, God is present") - Erasmus
Hi and welcome. yes, this is the place for you - there are so many of us here who have been or are where you are.
Here is where we learn to take the focus off of the Alcoholic - they are plenty good at making sure it is all about them. Here you can learn which part is all about you, and let them be. There is very litttle, if anything, you can do about him- however, there is a lot you can do for yourself - your life does not have to be hopeless, just because he is drinking. You do have choices.
One of the first things most of us learn at alanon are the three C's - You didn't CAUSE it, You can't CONTROL it, You can't CURE it. It is not your job to sober him up, or to apologize for his actions, or to save him from himself. Your job is to make sure your own actions live up to the person you want to be, and to take care of yourself. You know you cannot count on the alcoholic to take care of you.
Get to face to face meetings if you can, read our literature, and come here (to this board, and to live chat) Not everything you hear here will apply to you, but you will find many things that do. We do not give advice in alanon, instead we tell our own stories, what worked (and didn't work) for us. From that, you can find a path for yourself to follow. Everyone is differnt - some of us have found serenity while still living with an active alcholic. Others have found the strength here to leave a dreadful situation. Only YOU will know what is best for you.
Hi and welcome to Miracles in Progress (MiP)! I'm so glad you found us. We are family; we've been brought together by our own stories and lives that have been affected by an alcoholic. For me, it was my wife -- whom I still love and care about -- whom I've chosen to separate and divorce. Alcoholism is a PROGRESSIVE AND FATAL disease. My wife is in denial about it, and that is why I've chosen to retain my sanity and not sink with that ship.
One of the first things I've learned when I came to Al-anon, is that I am NOT guilty of making my wife an alcoholic. The truth was brought to me in the form: You didn't CAUSE it. You can't CURE it. And you certainly can't CONTROL it.
Petal, your story could belong to any one of a thousand people who have joined Al-Anon... You are NOT alone. Living with an Alcoholic or Addict is usually too much for any person to handle, but together - here and at Face to Face (F2F) meetings - we find understanding and serenity.
I encourage you to find and read the literature, absolutely go to face to face meetings, and come here and write your feelings and emotions down. This group has a wealth of knowledge and compassion that has CERTAINLY given many of us strength and courage on our own path.
with love, cj
__________________
time to stop going to the hardware store to buy bread.
I can relate to the embarrasing stories to friends. Luckily my friends stayed my friends. I dealt with it for a few years and then he had to go. I couldn't live with it anymore. It saddend me to not bring him to Christmas' and every other holiday. But all it took was one time to remind myself and see why and it cured me...no more. I don't feel bad now. I remember the first time I found thirty bottles. I pulled down a quilt and they all fell down on my head. I was grossed out. I never knew it could get that bad. I wish that I would have saved eight years of hell and cut right to the chase. Get him out of the house and live around him. Take care of myself and the kids. Make a plan in case financially I get cut off. I personally find it so much easier to not be with him. I'm never embarrased. I cried my eyes out in the beginning like someone died when I realized that I was not going to have the "family unit" I really wanted. I had no idea my kids could be just as happy with two seperate parents. Him and I are still married. He lives four hours from us. But it works. He calls the kids everyday. So far he sounds sober. Not my problem if he is drunk. IF he is he doesn't talk to the kids. We mostly have two choices. Live with it, or live without it. I will NEVER live with it now that I know how free it is without it. Good luck. Please keep coming back. ((((HUGS))))
Welcome Petal, we are glad you're here! I joined MIP in February, and it is a part of my daily program to come on here and read or post. I'm in a rural area with few meetings, so it's been a lifesaver to me.
I can't add much to the responses above. I'm one who recently had to end my relationship with my alcoholic/addict. I tried everything to get him to stop. I said everything I could think of, and I am a wordy gal. Not a darn thing I did made any difference. The hope that someday I WOULD come across the right words or action was very strong, but I had to finally admit defeat. It really made no difference whatsoever, he still ended up in jail and has felony allegations for narcotic posession. I have a year long restraining order against him. He lost his house, his wife (me), his dogs, his farm, everything important to him. I had to get him out of here before I lost the house and property. I managed to save some money from him too which is mostly going toward paying a lawyer. I wish I'd known sooner that he would only stop when he felt like it, then I could have taken action to protect myself sooner.
That's why we Alanoner's harp on the newcomer :D about detatchment and coming to understand the true nature of alcoholism, as well as how it has affected US. The alcoholic is so good at convincing us we are to blame for nearly everything wrong in their lives that I thought I was powerful enough to make him stop. Wrong! It's a terrible disease, and always fatal unless the alcoholic "goes into remission" by going into a recovery program, be it AA or some others.
We're encouraged to go to several meetings, even different ones, to find that group that we feel we can bond with. No pressure, just experience and checking it out.
Don't hesitate to join us by posting and chiming in, I'm looking forward to seeing you around the cyber table! Kim
Hi, Petal! It's wonderful you're here. The reason I found this board was the same as yours -- my A had once again vowed he was going to stop drinking, and I don't think it lasted even a day that time. Something snapped inside, and I started looking for help.
I don't know about your husband, but my partner only made those vows and elaborate plans while he was drinking. It was kind of like the major dieting plans I'd make in the middle of a binge. As soon as I wasn't stuffed anymore, I went back to overeating.
This is a man who quit heroin cold turkey -- no NA, no help of any kind. He always thought he'd be able to do the same with alcohol, but somehow it's different. He's not willing to go the AA route, either. He's an intelligent man, also increasingly sick now, admits he'll probably die pretty soon if he keeps it up -- and he keeps it up.
One thing I learned here and through reading that helped immensely was 'detachment with love.' Everyone's spoken of it already. It was something that almost intuitively fell on me after enough broken promises -- there's absolutely nothing I can say or do that will change anything, so don't try. No more trying to convince him of anything, no more arguing with a bottle (the arguments that happened when he was drunk). If he started getting verbally nasty, I'd do my best not to respond, would leave the room or even the house. After enough of this, things really calmed down.
You might like to look into some books for information if you haven't already. "Under the Influence" by Dr. James Milam and Katherine Ketcham was of great help to me in understanding alcoholism and its stages. Toby Rice Drew's "Getting Them Sober, Volume 1" has a lot to say about living with an alcoholic. (The title's always bothered me -- you don't 'get them sober,' and she never suggests that you can. Except that maybe the changes you'll make for yourself will jolt them into action.) Many people suggest the 'Codependent No More' series of Melody Beattie. There is, of course, a lot more, but that's a start.
You don't say how old your daughter is, but it sounds like she could definitely benefit from Alanon or Alateen. Part of detachment and learning to live your own life is not counting the bottles, not pouring out the booze, not paying attention to it, period. He'll do what he'll do until he's done doing it. With any luck that will be AA or some other program. If not, it will be the hospital (mental or medical), jail, or the grave. It's progressive, it will continue getting worse until HE decides to do something about it. In the meantime, you have to figure out how you're going to live your life.
I hope to see you here a lot, Petal. We all need each other's support and ESH (experience, strength, and hope).
He's not hiding it very well, is he? I'm glad you found us.
It's typical for alcoholics to promise and I believe most of them probably are serious at the time. They don't like to admit that they can't quit.
Until he realizes he needs help, he'll drink. Your job is to learn to take care of yourself and your family. Al-Anon is the best way I know of to do that. Open AA meetings are good, too. I hope you can get to some face-to-face meetings as well as this board and chat.
Al-Anon has some great reading material. Toby Rice Drew's "Getting Them Sober" books available at bookstores or online are very helpful, too. Don't let the title throw you - as others have said, we can't get them sober. What we do for ourselves the Al-Anon way, though, works wonders for us and many times - for them.
Keep coming back. There's a lot of support on this board and also in the chatroom.
THANK YOU ALL SO much for all your help I really truly appreciate it. I have really felt so alone and lost in all this.I also realise THE number one thing I have to change is myself, my behaviour and the way i think and behave. I realyl have felt like I have been going around in circles and basically burying my head in the sand. for far too long. That this is not really happening. and it will be okay. I am worried about his health VERY MUCH when he does not drink for a day or two and The first nights he rarely sleeps and aches from head to toe during the day, has heaadaches stomach pains and sweats. He is SO moody and irratable and diffiuclt. He ALWAYS says it is a virus he really thinks he can handle this on his own. When he starts drinking again after abstaining for a couple of days he always gets very drunk and miraculously all his ailments go and he feels good!!
Some of the things he does would be funny if not so tragic, My son in law found a large opened can of strong beer still half full in his fishing boots a week ago. Honestly they turn up everywhere. The trouble is no one says anything to him because they are SO embarrased. I have even fallen down the toilet whilst standing on the rim peering out of the window trying to find out where he has the drink hidden in the garden whilst he is wandereing. out there. He is always so devious , and stupidly thinks sucking a mint hides the smell of vodka. Also the vacant expression in his eyes is heartbreaking. I know now this all has to STOP.
I have phoned my local AL anon and am going to attend meetings. My husband does not know and I feel thats best until I understand so much more about this terrible thing to be able to deal with in a better and more positive way. Thank you Jamekaticy i am definantely going to get those books.
I so much want to get rid of the guilt I have .. even on this messageboard i feel disloyal writing about him as he WHEN HE IS SOBER He is the kindest sweetest man and I still love him very much. I wish I didn't because maybe I could just walk away from him and start again.
Thanks so much for listening and understanding A big hug to all Petal x
