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My sister came over to the house to go through our late mom's things and we started talking. I've avoided saying anything to her about her son for a couple years even though I can see I'll be going to his memorial one of these days. The last time I spoke to her about him was years ago and I didn't have Alanon. I wasn't prepared for her total denial that there was a problem. He later got treatment for a heroin addiction.
I saw him a couple weeks ago and he's thin and has marks all over his face. I love him and know it wouldn't help anything at all to mention his addiction.
So, like a dummy, my sister and I started talking and she pulled it out of me that it's clear to me that he's using. She's in complete denial and won't consider going to Alanon. She said she'll repeat what I said to her son even though I asked her not to, and it will not heal anything or change anything. It will just cause a further rift in our family. I'm accused of saying that everyone in our family is a drunk or an addict.
So, I stuck my foot in it with my big mouth. Not taking care of my side of the street. I don't want to go to my nephew's memorial, but also know we can't control his addiction. The worst part is that he'll hate me once again. My sister has promised not to kick him out of her house, but she's sure he's not using because he's holding down a good job and paying her $1400 a month room rent (we live in a high rent area).
Does anyone have any duct tape for my big flapping mouth??
Sounds like he may have moved on to meth Roy , marks on face etc are usually a good sign . Not a thing can be said what has already come out of our mouths , concern somehow gets turned into resentments . go figure . If confronted by your nephew fess up and tell him you just love him . Saw a little cartoon that may help u with your problem . It was in one of our forums yrs ago a picture of lady with runners in her mouth and the caption said . A closed mouth gathers no feet . I love it and think of it often . good luck Louise
LOL, I remember when my parents started going to AA and Alanon. They DID go around with "concern" for all the alcoholics they diagnosed in the family, it didn't go over too well :) After all my father (the A) did, no one wanted to listen to him tell THEM what they were or were not.
When I rejoined Alanon back in February, every other word was program, I'm sure it got on a few nerves. So I come here and go to meetings and talk program till I'm blue in the face.
Your sis must have her own suspicions, otherwise she would pay you little or no mind, that's my guess. But like Louise said, concerns get turned into resentments and none of us Alanons need any more trouble than we have or had. You do love him, and that's the truth beneath ALL of the drama, so take a deep breath for yourself.
I'm very sorry about your nephew, and marks/sores on the face can easily be meth or heroin. And if he's not using, he's not, he has a bad case of acne or eczema :), so if he "hates" you, and other family members jump on the bandwagon, it's all pretty silly.
It's tough to love an alcoholic or addict. Comes with the territory. Be good to you, and this post is a good reminder to all of us about the lip flapping syndrome :) . I don't believe you did anything WRONG, but it messed up your day, and I hate to see you preoccupied with this when there's something more worthwhile.
I have a big mouth then too because I'm the first person always to let my mother know that my fifty year old brother is using again. He can steal from her, blah blah but she's still in denial. She says "what do you want me to do, it's MY son" So apparently she thinks she can't turn him away. At least she knows where he's at. Your sister is in denial and she also does not need al-anon. She needs nar-anon. It's Narcotics anon. It deals with more of the street drugs. I don't know what I would do if it were my own son. Fight to the death probably. I wouldn't say you have a big mouth. Maybe a big heart. Take it as a learning lesson and don't say anything else. Good luck hun. ^i^
"A closed mouth gathers no feet" Cute!!!! I kept it closed for two years and then when she came over today and we were talking about emotional family stuff. Maybe it was meant to be that the truth came out. I don't want to be right, I'd rather not go to one more memorial this year.
I just needed a sane sounding board, and I got that coming here. I was posting here today for my own sanity and serenity as my sister (G.) was outside my door loading ever more stuff into her truck. Later I made a joke that when she enters the Pearly Gates, they will ask her what percentage of her life she spent "sorting" - 85% or 89.99%. We do kid and banter a lot, she's pretty funny...I know she can't do anything about her son's addiction unless it may be to go to nar-anon herself and learn loving detachment (thanks for that info, I'll google it), and require him to go to meetings as a condition of living with her.
It's funny (cunning and baffling) how all the family members get in an uproar if they think I'm accusing them of drinking. They don't like the boundaries I set in response to their bad behavior. I did stop taking my sister (D's) 10am hateful, angry phone calls, and when she demanded to know the reason, I told her that she was angry at that time in the morning and I don't accept or return angry phone calls. Somehow, that info turned into all the family members pouncing on me asking why I accused sister (D.) of being a drunk. Just that behavior alone tells me I'm in the madhatter's tea party, and it's the baffling disease speaking. Coming here, I get experience, strength and hope - such a total reversal of the madness.
And my disease is taking other people's inventory...I let that need for control go most of the time thanks to Alanon, but it sneaks in now and then.
"You choose the behavior, you choose the consequences."
