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What better place to find ESH. I have been so overwhelmed this summer with my mom's surgery and my son's undiagnosed illness. Well, to make a long story short, I have spent alot of time with my family of origin. Many things have come up but mom is doing better. My sister from out of town implied that the family tensions were because of me (there are five adult sibs). My strategy in recovery has been to be open about going to Alanon meetings.
While sewing together with my sister and sister-in-law during mom's recovery I had 2 beers. The next day I said I was going to a meeting/did anyone want to go? Where I live it is "dry" so I only have a drink when I go to town. My sister confronted me and said what a hypocrite that I was by going to meetings and opening drinking. After all you are married to an alcoholic and that's why you go to meetings. She went on to say we (my family) think you must be the alcoholic. She said that you are always cramming what you do down our throats.
I don't live with my AHsober any more. When we were together, I would always ask him if he minded if I had a drink with dinner (at a restaurant). I quit bringing anything home when my kids were young. Where we live there are many people who struggle with alcoholism. I often think about should I drink or not drink. Are we passing the disease on to our children? Needless to say I was stunned. What do you say? Take their inventory too?
It's too bad your family of origin is less than understanding...
Personally, I stayed completely away from any kind of booze for quite a while, especially while trying to decipher where my (codependent) behaviors had come from. I had to ask myself if alcoholism/addiction is something I'm more prone to or if I had just been affected in an emotional sense.
Down a different path, I also believe I get absolutely no benefit from wine, beer, or liquor. I try to maintain my health and see drinking as counterproductive to that in a dietary way, not to mention the stress it puts on my liver and kidneys.
And from my 3rd point of view, if I'm in Germany and feel like having a good-smucking pint of Hefeweisen, that's exactly what I'll do. And what other people think of me then, is still none of my business.
much love, cj
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time to stop going to the hardware store to buy bread.
This came up in our situation as well. I used to drink when I met ah. We used to get hammered together. This was before kids. We had money and would drink, shoot pool, make out, ect. A normal dating life. I was 27, he was 37. So when I ended up pg. I quit drinking. I thought he would quit too. That's when I realized there was a problem. I believed him when he said it didn't bother him when I drank around him before I went out. He came clean later and said it really did bother him. So I quit. When I do go to go out don't act excited, I lay low as to not hurt his feelings. Now it's just become a part of me. I don't hardly go out. Try and do it out of his way with it. It's like smoking around a smoker. I used to smoke and when I smell one I will go up to anyone and bum a cig. Stay Clear of alcohol and don't talk about it and tru and do things where there is alcohol/ Your not alone. It's a live and learn kind of experience. Lots of love. We are here for you. mwah
I grew up in an alcoholic family (my father is still an alcoholic) and I married a man who is 12 years in recovery ~ Thank God!
When I was younger I drank alot - my father literally taught me and my brothers how to drink (he thought it was a good idea so that we could learn to hold our liquor - should we drink away from home!) ... anyway - in high school I could remember waking up and wanting a drink before school. Right then, I realized that I could very well become an alcoholic. So - from that point on I was very careful NOT to drink in excess.
Then I got married to a guy who rarely had a drink and I rarely drank.
Now, I am married to a recovering alcoholic and he absolutley has no problem if we are out and I have a drink or two (and on occassion I have a drink too many!) ... He does not allow alcohol of any kind in the home (and that is perfectly okay with me)... and if I am drinking - we can't kiss ~ which certainly deters me from drinking! LOL!
Anyway - thats my two cents. Not sure it is helpful - I'm just sharing my experience.
When my husbnd sobered up, we stopped keeping booze in the house - just good manners, like not having a houseful of chips when someone is on a diet. I would have a drink when we were out, sometimes, if I wanted one, and other times would not. He always used to say, when people would ask "Would it bother you if I had a drink?' "No, it would bother me if *I* had a drink, you do what you want." To me it was matter of respect, though, not to go out and get hammered - I didn't have a lot of desire to anyway. I have found that I am not comfortable around people getting really drunk anymore - it sets off too many bad memories.
Now that my husband is gone, I had a couple of cases of beer in the house when the house was full of people for the funeral. Then, a week later, I bought a six pack, as it has been very hot here. My teenage daughter told me that it made her uncomfortable to have it in the house, though, so I will probably not buy any more. I know that booze is not my problem, hammered that issue out years ago, so I can live without any in the house no problem.
Alanon has never had an opinion on whether we should drink or not - obviously if it is a problem for us, we are expected to be using the program tools to face our problems. If you are taking your own daily inventory, as you should be, you are not going to get into serious trouble.
Well Nancy , idon't see a problem with u having a drink ,your not the alcoholic and as far as your sisters are concerned they don't like the changes u are making in your life and look for anything to discredit . Your not a hypocrite no where does al anon say we can not have a drink , it's just not an issue . And your sis's comment about cramming your stuff down thier throats welll I have done that too ,didn't see it that way at the time just wanted to share what i was learning . now before iI start to talk about al anon i ask myself Did they ask ? Don't waste your time defending this program or trying to explain it , Just live it . Louise
I am not familiar with anything in the Al-Anon CAL that opines as to whether or not we should drink. The only requirement for membership is that there be a problem of alcohol with a relative or friend. There is no requirement that we be abstinant. If your family was in program, you could discuss with them the fact that they are taking your inventory for you. If they don't understand that concept, it might be better to just let it go.
That being said, I made the decision to stop drinking after my AH was 9 months sober, and after we had separated. But, my decision had nothing to do with him. He is now 2 years sober and I only recently told him. Alcohol had come to play such a central role in my life that I wanted to be rid of it. I realized that I was using it to deal with uncomfortable emotions that I really needed to deal with so that I could be healthy.
I have come to understand why folks say that we Al-Anons are simply the flip side of the coin as our As. I believe that I share many of my AH's defects of character--the Aisms--but I do not share the allergy that makes him the A. For that I am eternally grateful to my HP. I quit drinking alcohol because I didn't want anything to slow down my Al-Anon recovery, part of which has involved examining and dealing with those defects of character. I wanted to be clear-headed and physically/emotionally sober so that I could do that.
My IC told me once that I might decide at some point to drink again since I am not the A. However, for today, I don't believe that I will. The longer I am abstinate from alcohol and away from the drinking scene, the more I like it. I have no desire to drink or to be around it unless there is a reason to be there e.g., a wedding.
As for my relationship with my AH...when he first got sober I didn't think that there was anything wrong with my continuing to drink so long as I didn't do it in excess or keep any alcohol in the house. My opinion has changed. I do not know how a couple in recovery can survive if the non-A continues to drink, even just socially. In my opinion, the fact of the drinking is present in the relationship regardless of whether it is in front of the A or not and it has to have some impact on communication, trust and intimacy. Just my opinion.
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Do not be anxious about tomorrow; tomorrow will look after itself. The Bible, from Courage to Change, p.138
I can't imagine picking up a drink these days. My AH and I used to be drinking buddies, too. But when I got pregnant, there was no question that was stopping. While I no longer live with my (soon to be ex) now sober AH, after years of being surrounded with that smell, just thinking about it makes me ill.
I also have 3 young kids (8, 6 and 4) and the middle one, my son, would more than likely lose it if he thought I was drinking alcohol. He got upset not too long ago at church when he realized people were taking a sip of the sacramental wine and that it was alcohol...
So personally, I don't drink and can't imagine doing so ever again.
This Alanut is t.total......I no longer drink because.......I went through the phase of going out at weekends to clubs and pubs... I done this for a few years. I enjoyed having a drink. BUT, I suffered horrendous hangovers.. I would be okay the next morning, but as the day went on OMG...lol
Anyway, I stopped going into company with alcohol. I still feel the anxiety when Im near drunks..... I prefer to stay away from alcohol, and people with alcohol nowadays...... Why cant i stay away from the recovering A....
I have a family who is less than supportive too. I think maybe its a bit idealistic to think people who are less than supportive can be undestanding. For some people the whole alcoholism issue is huge and they are very defensive. I've been there and done that with trying to persuade my family into recovery. I got nowhere but I did try. I tend to be very very reserved these days about who I share recovery with.
I would not even share it with the people I live in the house with. I'd be very very reluctant to discuss why I drink dont' drink to others. I do not drink personally. I know drinking while I don'd consider myself an alcoholic to lead me to decisions that are not necessariy good for me. I also know that I don't share that with others. A friend was talking this week about wine. I said nothing. I dont' share that I dont' drink with others very often. I'm not closed off to it but I'm just more careful about who I share with and when.
My rule of thumb for examining things is that I don't allow anyone to "should" on me. Whenever somebody tells me I "should" do something, my back immediately goes up, and I get defensive, and question their motives. I quit drinking for five years, from the time my wife was in the depths of her disease, until about a year ago.... I wanted to give my kids some much-needed safety and knowledge of a responsible parent. Just recently, I started socially drinking again, and it has spurred many (good) conversations with my kids about alcoholism, the differences between responsible/irresponsible drinking, etc....
I don't think anyone can or "should" be able to tell you what works for you.
Just my two cents Tom
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"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
Obviously, by the replies, it's a personal choice with many reasons to and not to. I choose not to only because it either gives me a headache or makes me sick after 3 drinks. To have less then 3 kind of defeats the purpose of drinking, I may as well have drank soda. So I do.
BUT, I don't drink because of MY reasons. Not because of what anyone else thinks or because my husband is sober. If someone would voice their opinion on why THEY THINK I shouldn't. I'd tell them to enjoy that thought and do with it whatever they wanted to with that thought. (as opposed to telling them where to stick it)..lol
Christy
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If we think that miracles are normal, we will expect them. And expecting a miracle is the surest way to get one.
I've been following the replies to this with great interest. For me I enjoy an occasional drink -- mostly a glass of wine with certian foods. Christy's reply made me laugh because for me 3 drinks would put me under the table...talk about defeating the purpose lol. Anyhow, I quit drinking 100% when my Ah's drinking got to the point that it was running my life (pre-alanon) and by then I had 2 children to tend to. In the past year though, I have actually had a bottle of wine in the fridge. It bothered my daughter so I choose not to have alcohol in the house, plus I dumped over half that bottle after it sat there open for several months.
The biggest thing is I worry about what others think and I shouldn't. I worry about what my A would say, I worry about what my family would say, and I especially worry about what my friends would say since they know what this disease has done to my family. And I really wonder why the heck I should care, I don't need to defend myself. It just seems that many people think that due to what I've been thru I should know better and I just don't understand that thinking.
Not that my reply has helped you at all, lol, but you aren't alone Thanks for your post.
"I often think about should I drink or not drink."
I often think about should I eat broccoli or not eat broccoli.
We tend to send mixed messages that baffle us and the alcoholics and anyone else who's watching. You can only keep your side of the street clean - and take your own inventory. Just keep going to the meetings you love and your behavior will harmonize naturally.
I have bad memories of alcohol, but I realized I serve it every day in my job. My weakness is cheesecake, not wine.
It's kind of like not eating chocolate (or cheesecake) because someone else has diabetes. Perhaps I wouldn't do it in front of them, but I'd still do it if I wanted to.
I'm not the one with diabetes.
Christy
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If we think that miracles are normal, we will expect them. And expecting a miracle is the surest way to get one.
I stopped drinking when the A in my life stopped. I haven't had a drink in over five years (although he has started drinking again within the past few months), and honestly, considering that I drank quite a bit, don't miss it at all. When I remember the hangovers, the destructive decisions I made when drinking, my family worrying about me...it doesn't seem worth it to me. Having said that, I don't see a problem with Al-anon-ers drinking if it is their choice. It's just not mine, and that's not a self-righteous decision - I don't think I'm better than anyone because I choose not to drink, but my kind of drinking was becoming a problem for me. It's just not something that I'm comfortable with anymore. Marion
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Vocatus atque non vocatus, Deus aderit ("Bidden or not bidden, God is present") - Erasmus
Your post reminded me that there are many factual misconceptions out there about alcoholics & alcoholism. If I thought I could do it in the spirit of putting information out there for them to take or not (rather than "making" them see sense) (what, motivation aGAIN?, lol), I hope I could say something like, Actually, that's part of how I know I'm NOT an alcoholic - I can stop after 2 beers. An alcoholic would keep drinking. And I didn't mean to ram alanon down your throat, and if I've done that, I'm sorry.
For myself, I quit bringing alcohol into the house when my AH got sober (didn't know he was one, or I would probably have quit sooner). I do still sometimes - but not always - have a drink or two when we go out (I, too, ask him if he's okay with it first), or at family gatherings that are not at our house.
As always - only you can decide what's right for you.
This is an interesting discussion. I no longer keep alcohol in the house, but I do still have a drink or two on the rare occasion I go out. I think it's like Christy's analogy with the diabetic... I am not the alcoholic, so I see no reason why I shouldn't enjoy a cold beer or a cocktail from time to time.
When H and I are together, I trust him to be honest with me about his feelings. If he is uncomfortable or if not having a drink is getting to him, he tells me. If he feels he must leave, it is my option to leave with him or not.
Sometimes I feel slightly hypocritical myself, but Lord knows my H did not stop drinking because I wanted him to!!!
I haven't been comfortable around my sober A to have a glass of wine. The problem isn't with him, it's with me. I know he has choice. But for whatever reason I am not comfortable. Perhaps it's because I just don't care if I have a drink or not. Now I will go out to dinner with friends and have a drink. But come to think of it, one of them does have a problem with it, and I tend not to drink around her as well. Hmm.... need to think about that more. But I say as long as you don't have a problem, you're an adult, then make your choice. It's their problem, not yours.
Love and blessings to you and your family.
Live strong, Karilynn & Pipers Kitty
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It's your life. Take no prisoners. You will have it your way.
