The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
My sis-in-law (AH's sister) went in to outpatient rehab 2-months ago and recently relapsed. Her husband has called us displaying the classic signs of co-dependency and a person in desperate need of some help himself. I have tried to encourage him to look into al anon, explaining that it is about taking care of yourself, finding serenity, learning coping tools such as detachment and boundaries...but he simply says "I don't have any problems except for wife's drinking." I remember being in the same place he and it took a crisis for me to reach out for help. I realize that he needs to make his own decision, but I am not sure I am explaining the program the right way. Any ESH to better describe the program so he is more open to it?
Can you get a newcomer pkg from a f2f group to give to him? Sometimes after reading some of the literature he may then feel the urge to attend a meeting. Especially as he learns that it is not all women who attend the meetings.
Our group usually as newcomer pkg with a phone list that we hand out that has several brochures that he could read that explains the program.
Hopefully this will help him - Even if he doesn't read it right away - It is will be there when it is the right time for him.
Wishing Serenity & Joy, Rita G.
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No matter what me and my God are going to be ok, even better than OK -
I usually say it teaches us how to live with an alcoholic and how to help them and ourselves. That way....it doesn't make the person attending al-anon look as if THEY are the one's with the problems. Know what I mean? Usually men have a hard time with thinking "they" need help. It feels too much like critisizim. ;) Then once they are there a few times..they will see what it's about. I know the al anon meeting I went to did not have new comer books.
It may take a crisis for him to open his mind to Alanon, as it has for most of us. I hope for his sake it is soon. I hate to see people suffering when there is a solution too.
We have a "man specific" newcomers package, that might be useful to him.
Has he seen the movie "When a Man Loves a Woman"? It gives a sorta accurate look at the experience, from a point of view he would find familiar.
I guess I would tell him that there are things he can do to make life with an A (active or not) easier on everyone. In my experience, men tend to be more solutions oriented, and if you can present the program as a place where some solutions can be found, he may be a bit more open. The realization that WE need to change is usually something that takes a while to sink in, for all of us. Even if he only finds some ways to stop enabling, alanon could be useful to him.
I have a lot in common with him, on several levels.
What shocked and amazed me (as one of those crazy man-folk) was the pamphelet "the marry-go-round named denial". It really blew me away! It helped me see that, yes, this was way bigger than I had thought.
But you know what helped me most, was the knowledge that Alanon existed at all. That tiny seed you planted in the back of his brain is stored under "info other people need". And that is where I had it too, until I was about to loose my mind (and more).
My Mom planted that seed just like you did for him. I knew where it was, and when I needed it I had it. I shudder to think if I hadn't.
I don't know if you have ever heard this before... but men are pretty stubborn and very sure they can fix everything themselves. LOL
Just like getting our relatives to AA... a few suggestions and maybe a booklet is trying to help. More than that not be accepted as you expect.
You have done a wonderful thing by just being there for him, when he decides he wants what you have... the family will be here for him. You are all in my prayers.
Take care of you!
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"Good judgement comes from experience... experience comes from bad judgement" - unknown
You did just fine , pick him up a 20 questions pamphlet , let him decide for himself if this program will help him . I was so arrogant I answered YES to all but one and thought I had passed . hehe then at the bottom it said if I had answered yes to 3 of these questions Al-Anon may help me == go figure . that was 20 ish yrs ago . Louise
Sounds to me like you have already "planted the seed", and that is likely all we can really do.... We have about the same amount of power, influence, and control over persuading others towards Al-Anon, as we do to convince alcoholics to choose sobriety - not very much at all!!!
The old saying holds true.... he will choose some kind of program of recovery for himself, when he is "sick and tired of being sick and tired".
I resisted the notion that I was sick and in need of help for many years.... I thought "all" my problems were specifically centered around my wife's drinking, and that everything else was 100% fine. Little did I know at the time, how much value I would gain out of Al-Anon....Self-reflection and awareness isn't necessarily something that comes naturally to many of us - perhaps even less so with men in general - so he may get there one day, or he may not....
Take care Tom
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"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
