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Last week I got a summons for the A from another county for an arraignment (he was pulled over and busted for having meth on him).
I told the deputy sheriff I had this item, and asked what I should do with it. The ex parte (restraining order) prevents either of us from contacting the other. The sheriff said to take it to the post office and leave it there with the rest of his mail.
I have not done this. He knows he has a court date, and I told myself it's his responsibility to keep up on this stuff, and if he were home going to AA and staying sober he'd have it in his hands, so it's his own fault. I still get his mail, which I set aside, and he's made no request for it which he certainly can do.
The arraignment is Monday, tomorrow. A warrant for his arrest will be issued if he doesn't show.
I feel very dishonest for not following the sheriff's direction. It is bugging me a lot now. I planned to give it to him last Wednesday at the protection order hearing. After receiving his 'suit' against me for half the property and the farm tools and vehicles, I was very upset for a while and back to grumbling 'that sonofabitch', and sunk deep in anger and resentment.
I'll be honest . . . I hope he goes to prison. If he does, I'll feel safe from him, both his person and his demands. At the same time, I do not feel like this is a healthy way to look at it. I feel like I took something into my hands that wasn't mine to take.
I guess I'm looking here for a reality check. I KNOW I deliberately didn't deal with this as suggested. I am uncomfortably aware of holding onto it, as if perhaps by holding onto it will ensure he is 'punished' and just plain old out of this town and far, far away.
I am just so angry at him, and I think my anger has lead me to do a dishonest thing to him. I'm just trying to be honest with myself and YOU all. I don't feel real objective about this, and am totally willing to hear any feedback at all. Am I blowing this out of proportion? Or did I screw up? I really feel like I screwed up.
hi sweetie, hey he is a big boy. He could have did a change of address or requested his mail from you.
I figured my A asked for nothing of his, so I had a bon fire, and gave stuff away.
It is not a law, I mean the sheriff was just giving you his opinion. He has no control over you. Cannot figure out what is making you care.
It is totally up to you. For petes sake he takes off all the time basically throwing you away, who cares about his stuff?
Please, I invite you to say, the serenity prayer. Think of what YOU want. The disease is leading him. This is not the man you love.
I mean he left the home, got into trouble. Yet expects things from YOU????
I have seen worse things happen and no one goes to prison. Is he in trouble becuz of that little girl?
You have an attorney right? I would put it in his/her hands.
Please dear, do your best not to let this bs get you down. If I were you, I would pack up his stuff and take it somewhere and tell him to go get it if he wants it.
He may be on the deed, but does it matter that the house was bought with your money? Who made the payments?
I am sad you have to go thru this. At least my A is a wus and has NEVER stood up to me. He would rather lose his stuff and blame someone else. Poor poor pitiful me....uno.
He threatens stuff, but I know him too well. He does not every do anything. I mean like saying half my house is his etc.
Too bad you did not get your A's power of Attorney a long time ago.
Well sending you a hug, and support that you are doing just fine, we are not their babysitters. HE made the mess, he can clean it up.
I have felt that way before... and here is what I have to do for myself. If I feel I have done something wrong, then I have to figure out what I do about that. I guess it doesn't really matter if you "did" something wrong... although it's good to be able to put that in perspective too, but you feel guilty about something.
Truth is you are where you are... can't go to the post office before tomorrow. As you said, he is a big boy and knows he has court tomorrow. This is just a piece of mail. The mess, he knows all about.
Do what you feel you need to do in order to pitch that guilt out the window... and I bet his bit with the courts will go however they are going to go reguardless.
Just my thoughts. :)
Take care of you!
__________________
"Good judgement comes from experience... experience comes from bad judgement" - unknown
If I understand this correctly, you feel guilty because the Sheriff told you to take HIS mail to the post office and leave it there. The sheriff didn't tell you to drop everything and take it there, did he??
It's not YOUR mail and I see that if you inconvenience yourself to do this, he is still controlling you (through the Sheriff!).
Since it's not YOUR mail, must you make a special trip to the post office? Or could you just take HIS mail when you're going there yourself?
If he's not living with you now and there's a restraining order, it's his responsiblity to figure out how to get his mail. He does Change of Address????
Actually, even if you did make a special trip, would that alleviate your guilt? It would for me!
Take what you like and leave the rest. I can't see why you would need to feel guilty.
Hello Kim one lesson I have learned over and over again is that If I am trying to teach someone a Lesson , I am usually the one who learns the lesson . !!! Lighten up alittle hon , I agree he could have changed his address along time ago , I also agree that he is a big boy he knows when he is supposed to appear in court . I also understand your anger and wanting him to pay for what he has done but Revenge never worked for me always backfired . I heard someone say along time ago The best form of revenge was to GET WELL . I liked that .
It's his fault for not filing a change of address for himself. Don't feel quilty. You didn't do a dang thing wrong. When my ah moved out he went down to the post office and got a change of address. So if my idiot ah can do it, so can yours. ;) Don't sweat it chickie.
Shoulda (coulda - woulda) maybe left it at the post office with a notice or something that his mail is to stay there from now on. That might have been the only (in recovery) responsibility I would have accepted. Honest and doesn't cost a whole lot. Also regardless of the situation it is what I would have wanted done for me.
Yeah it did sound like you used a little nuclear fusion on this one. A firecracker might have done a better job. Guilt is the barb at the end of the hook that keeps me into enabling. If the barb wasn't there I could get the hook out easily but the barb (guilt) makes the process painful. Besides....we are about progress not perfection. I have never reached perfection yet and have decided therefore that there ain't no such thing.
Get to a meeting.
Sundays speaker meeting here was centered around the subject love and I remembered that my sponsor(s) and the program taught me "I don't have to like the person or what has/is been going on but love is a requirement for spritual balance/serenity". Simple program for complicated people.
Keep it simple and for certain..."Keep coming back."
Thank you for all your feedback!! This is exactly what I needed.
I feel guilty because I wish him 'bad juju'. You all are right, he's a big boy, he could have taken responsibility to get his mail rerouted, and yes to all of the stuff that isn't mine but his responsibility to deal with.
I am not happy with this desire for revenge. That's what it is, period. Like what is happening to him right now isn't "justice" for his actions. The guilt is for wanting him CRUSHED for what he's done. Like I don't think life is already having it's way with him as we speak. Do I think his current set of consequences aren't enough? Do I think any set of consequences is going to be enough? Enough to undo all this mess? Nope.
It is what it is. I'm having a hard time with it, I've been praying all morning, affirming HP is in control and whatever happens next, Kim will be OK. It's a minute by minute thing, as I'm sure you all know.
I really appreciate the feedback about revenge and the 'barbs' of guilt that make unhooking myself painful. I knew something wasn't right about my own actions, and especially my own thoughts. It wouldn't "rest", as much else has. Kept bugging me.
So I think my motives were to take back some power from HP or Life As It Is so I could deal him a blow or two. Like Louise said it backfires!
Got some journaling to do on this one. I feel like I can do it now and get somewhere.
And yes my butt needs to be in a chair at a meeting. Oh yes. I'm focussing on him not me.
Y'all are my lifeline to sanity!!! I appreciate every word given to me :)
My sponsor would have said "what's your motive?" To make him pay...oh how I've been there and done that. The thing that I have always found was, if I do something (or not do something) and my motives aren't in the right place, I won't be able to justify away the guilt.
There have been many times I wished I was HP and could zap my A - dole out his punishment for all the pain he's caused. Thank HP, I'm not HP lol....my poor A would have fried about a zillion time by now LOL.
Remember we aren't perfect, we are perfectly human. What your honesty will bring you is peace next time this kind of thing comes around....and it will happen again. I had someone call me this a.m. with a message for my A, hmmm I don't HAVE to give it to him, ya know I'm not his secretary, he doesn't live here .... but I will, because I can, and it won't hurt me to do it.
Your honesty helps keep me honest too...thank you for sharing your journey
sh#t! I just write "return to sender...moved" on every blessed thing that comes in...all those letters from the taxation office, the government offices, and the collections notices.
That is the same that I would do for any stranger after three months of getting their mail after they move out.
The fact that you are not perfectly comfortable means that you are aware that your motives were less than pure. HOW impure, only you know - you are the one who can tell when that still small voice is silenced. Could be that all that is necessary is for you to acknowledge to yourself (and to us, as you have done) that you aren't completely happy with the way you acted, and to do differently next time. Could be that you feel some amends are necessary - what they could be, I don't know.
And, yes, those who have pointed out that he is a big boy and perfectly capable of talking to the post office and working this out are right. So, I wouldn't beat myself up about this too much. I like the idea of 'resturn to sender" - basic courtesy without enabling.
Thinking about guilt - one difference between a healthy person and an unhealthy one is the relationship to guilt, I think. A healthy person feels guilt, searches out the cause, and does what is needed to ensure they don't feel the guilt next time - behave better, get a clearer perspective on the issue, whatever. An unhealthy one either tries to drown the guilt or justify it away - "I don't have to feel bad, because blah blah...."
The difference between clear perspective and justifying/rationalizing is that clear thinking "takes" - once you have it figured out and are happy with it, the guilt goes away and stays away. If you have been rationalizing, you have to keep convincing yourself over and over again.
I discussed this once with my husband - I was saying something like "When I feel gulty, I think 'oh, don't like this feeling, won't do that again, so I don't have to feel this way'" . He said, "Ah, but you're not an alcoholic. We have a special relationship with guilt - can't just get rid of it by behaving better". I do believe that many A's have some strange sort of love/hate thing going with guilt - they almost crave it, nurture it. Until they are ready to let it go and live life without those dark undercurrents, true recovery probably can't start.
You're feelings of anger and resentment are totally normal. Sometimes when I feel so full of anger, resentment, and revengeful thinking is because deep down I am very hurt. It is more painful to allow the sorrow to come through then to hold onto anger.
Do you really think your ex would have gone to the post office to pick up his mail? Maybe it will be a blessing in disguise for him to go to jail? While he is in jail, he won't be able to use drugs, he will have food and shelter, and by the grace of God, hopefully he will see the light.
Luna, my A would be an oil smear if I were HP, so I hear ya! I'm not the woman for the job thank God (I sure had to laugh at your post though!).
Lin, your words are making a lot of sense. Nope, not pure motives. Hoping to "get" him somehow, trip him up. Like he needs more. It just comes back to bite me when I say vengeance is mine.
Louise I swing back and forth between this anger and sorrow. The anger does make me feel stronger, I want to feel stronger. I feel the grief, and I just want to go to bed. The sorrow is still a little overwhelming, but what of it I'm able to deal with right now is OK. I am very hurt, and even more difficult to handle is my sorrow for HIM. For his humanity, his 'person', you know.
Would he pick up his mail? Prolly not. I have a very hard time seeing prison or jail as a blessing for anyone but ME and the folks he may have affected. I do hope he finds it in himself to use all of this mess as a learning experience.
I'm a little confused as to what the dilemma here is? You got a summons in the mail addressed to him? Then you did what with it? He's not there right... I still get mail and phone calls (most likely collectors) for my A and I moved out almost a year ago. Here's what I do I write not at this address on the front and stick it back in the mailbox. It's not my job to find him, deliver his mail, etc. I TOTALLY feel what you are saying about it being easier with him in jail and I'm here to tell you ITS TRUE~!!! Mine's in jail, my life is easier! I don't have to worry about what he wants. I don't think you have any culpability here. He is not living at the address and you are not the mail lady!!
I don't really see much of a dilemma here. Of course you are wanting to know what the A is going to do because he has hit you with a lawsuit. I think its perfectly reasonable to be angry with him.
I do know the A I have been involved with is always trying to involve me in his messes. I get so sick of it. Then he sulks and tantrums. That gets really old.
Of course it would also be rather idealistic to think the mess is going to be unwoven shortly. They generally aren't Unravelling a relationship with an A is dealing with a lot of frustration.
What gets me so much about the A is how he can do certain things. He can cut through red tape in no time and then on the other hand he seems to need a mess whereever he goes.
The A has a mess. I think it is incredibly difficult to be put in a double bind situations. They often do that. Then they play victim. They are better at playing victim than anyone I know. Currently the A I have been involved with is pretty ill. I have taken to saying I am not really very well myself. There is no room in these relationships for give and take so he hates it. Only one person is allowed to be ill and it has to be him!
For me unravelling the mess is huge. There are certain things at certain points I have to walk away from. That kills me.
I've been there and done that with the A's name being on certain things. I've learned recently he changed the ownership of the truck illegally. I have to work out whether it is worth my time and energy to fight him on this. The truck is worth a fraction of what it should be because he's crashed it and run it into the ground so much. On the one hand there is the moral argument and on another hand there is a relief that I'm no longer repsonsible if he crashes into someone.
I can perfectly understand you feeling that if he went to jail it would really help you. There are days when I think the A shoudl just go into the hospital and stay there. He is always sailing his ship about being so ill and then doing stuff that makes him so much worse. Then on the other hand I forgot I am never allowed to be ill or need anything at all because after all everything but everything is about him.
If he didn't know about the warrant he has a good reason not to show up in court. He can document he didn't receive the subpoena so I don't see that he will be punished for that.
