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I am not sure if I am handling things in a positve manner as far as family gatherings go. I have three adult children. In the past most holidays were sucessfully held at my home. When one of the other children had a party everyone gathered at their home.
Since my A daughter's behavior has gotten worse she has not been invited to many family functions. She brings guest we don't approve of or drinks too much or causes fights. Her brother has told her she is not welcome at his house.
My nephew held a birthday party for his daughter and did't tell me until the day of the party so the A (his cousin) would not here of it and not show. I felt that this was inappropriate and didn't attend myself. I felt that I could not attend the secret party. I was confused.
On today My oldest son held a birthday party for his daughter and said don't tell his sister The A because he didn't want her to attend. I understand he has had enough of her but I calmly chose not to attend.
I can't explain except to say I hate deception and I did't feel right attending the party since my ex-husband "her father" is also an A and could have been invited. I talked to my son and explained I did't have a ride. "I can't drive" which was true but of course it was really more of an excuse not to attend.
What's going on am I being honest with myself? I feel that this mess has splintered my family apart. I feel that the whispers and lies are too much for me to handle. I feel like my whole family will never be the same again. How do I regain a family when every one has such a strong will to not be around the A in our lives. Are their steps I can take to heal this family or is this part of the deal.
Dee, Hey, that is my name too - actually it stands for Darlene :)
I am not a mom so I cannot begin to understand how torn up you feel right now. However, I did grow up in an alcholic home (my dad) and my brother is addicted as well.
I spent my entire life trying to "hold the family together" - and in the meantime I fell completely apart. In this program - they told me to take care of myself. The idea was scary because I thought taking care of my family by fixing rifts was taking care of me! After all I needed my family.
Anyway - now I let my family take care of themselves. I tell each of them that if there is something they don't want the others to know then they should not tell me. I tell them "I don't do secrets anymore" ~ I can't because it will eat me up inside and it isn't healthy for me. Sorry." ~~ At first they thought I was being a "B_ tch" but now - I really think they are gaining a respect for me. and more importantly - I am gaining a respect for me!
Hang in there and the best thing you could do for your family is to take care of yourself! Be well.
The relationship between your adult children is their business, not yours. If one of the consequences of the A's behaviour is that her siblings don't want to have anything to do with her, well, she needs to feel conequences - you are not helping her by shielding her.
So, go if you want to, stay away if you feel uncomfortable. I would tell the truth, though - "say what you mean, mean what you say, don't say it mean."
I am finally finding that there are lots of definitons of family. I too wanted to hold my family together. The siblings' relationships changed as they got older. They don't tolerate each other's flaws as wel Some drink some get out of hand. For me I grieve what is lost and say to myself that this is my family today. Enjoy what little I have and maybe my HP has a plan for my family. Don't give up!
I do understand how much it hurts when family gets deceptive because of another family member.
This morning, I don't feel like a very bright bulb, but --- do you feel like your nephew used you by not telling you about the party so the A wouldn't attend?? If that's correct, then that's unacceptable.
I hope I'm not on the wrong boat here, but my oldest daughter has used her husband, her sister (my youngest daughter) and my husband to get negative messages to me. I found that totally unacceptable because I no longer allow myself to be used by anyone.
I told the "messengers" that if my daughter has something to say to me, she'll have to say it herself because I'm not taking her messages relayed by someone else. My husband (bless his heart) told my daughter that he enjoyed talking to her but that he wouldn't talk about me or relay messages.
Seems to me like our situations are different but the principle is the same.
As far as whether or not you go to a party, shouldn't you do what you want to do? Al-Anon has taught me that if I have an issued with someone, I must confront that person, not the one who is being shunned. In this instance, the way I see it, your A daughter didn't do anything - she didn't even know about the party (or at least, wasn't supposed to know about it).
It sounds to me that more of this is starting to happen and needs to be nipped in the bud before it expands.
If I'm barking up the wrong tree, I'm sorry - but this has really triggered something in me.
I hate deception and I know, for me, it wasn't always easy to see at first.
Confronting the ones who are really causing the problems isn't easy. Sometimes, I feel like mom's are taken for granted and adult children are so into themselves that they don't even realize that they're hurting someone else to get what they want.
I am in this situation alot myself. I do not like to attend functions if my brother or my cousin are going to be there. They are drinkers and heroin users. I just prefer to not be around them. I also do not invite them to my house and I let my mother know this. Even when my brother was living with my mother I told her not to bring my brother. Sometimes she decided not to come because of the same reason that you feel. I didn't care much because it was HER choice to not come and she would be the one missing out. When my alcoholic husband was around I chose not to bring him to Christmas, Thanksgiving, or any holiday function because he was embarrassing and my family did not have to endure him. I didn't feel bad either. It's my husbands choice to drink, so if he drinks he doesn't come around me or my friends or family. It's not being cruel. Just like I have a choice to not go into a facility that allows smoking. Why be around it if I don't like it? Its MY choice. I'd have to side with the siblings on this one. Your daughter needs to straighten up her act and learn to live as a functioning member of society or she's going to have accept the consequences of being left out. There's no reason for you not to attend functions, why should you have to suffer because of your childs alcoholism? There's no easy way to let an alcoholic down. You can come straight out and say "we don't want you here because of your drinking" The chances are they are going to have a come back with "I won't drink then" and they will show up drinking as usual. It's easier to not even say anything and live "around" them and not invite them. You can love all your children equally. However I think you should respect the family if they choose to not have an alcoholic around. I'd have to agree. God Bless ^i^ Your in my prayers.,
