Dear Maresie,
Boy, your post was so powerful for me... and it just hit me... a little clarity!!

I have been dealing with a similar issue and have been confused about what's so wrong with fantasies? ... don't we all hope for something better?

I too have been working so hard on accepting the reality of who my father is to me and how he is, how he really is... and have worked hard to adjust my expectations. I needed someone w/ some objectivity and understanding of functional family relationships to look at him and help me understand who he is. I found a good counselor and had been seeing her for some time.

Some of the things she told me about my dad (based on my stories and recollections) were really hard to accept. Like when I told her I wanted to write him a letter explaining that suicidal thoughts stemming from hurt and anger about him drove me into counseling. She told me, "Do you think he really cares? If you told him that, what do you think he'd say... really? He wouldn't know what to say, so he'd say nothing. He can barely hold a conversation with you, what do you think he's gonna say? 'Oh my gosh... I'm so sorry?' Has he ever said 'I'm sorry' to you? If you say anything to him about your suicidal thoughts, he won't say anything... he doesn't care enough about you to do that." Ouch. OUCH! Geez, that hurt. But after I left her office, I realized she was right.

However, in a moment of weakness this past spring and feeling low one day, I opened up to my father and told him I'd had suicidal thoughts last year.... you know what, he did exactly as my counselor had said he would: nothing. Not a sound. I was stunned at first because he did exactly as she said he would. And, I was hurt, but not crushed ... because I remembered what she said. Thank God, I remembered she said he wasn't normal!!! I was also able to let go of it more quickly because the fantasy of him all of a sudden opening up his arms to me, hugging me, and telling me how sorry he is for every hurtful thing he's done that affected me in the last 40 years vanished.

Based on the reality of who he is, my expectations are more in line...but I still have to constantly remind myself of who he really is and fight the urge to fantasize about him or his responses to me. Sometimes, my AH reminds me of who he is in case I forget.

So, anyway,... this is what hit me just now:
Hope is for something or someone... like I hope I get married, I hope I can buy a place at the beach one day, I hope my children don't use, I hope you feel/get better, I hope I get this or that job, etc.
Webster's Dictionary says hope is: to cherish a desire with anticipation, trust, expect

I think it's ok to hope a loved one finds recovery... isn't that the loving, humane thing to do? But, when we have that concern... that cherished desire for someone else's recovery, I think we have to give that to God and let it go.

I think fantasy is making up a storyline in my head about how I could see some thing, some situation, or some person differently with alot of details and specifics... usu. to meet my (unmet) needs...

This is what Webster's says about fantasy:
1obsolete : hallucination 2: fancy; especially : the free play of creative imagination 3: a creation of the imaginative faculty whether expressed or merely conceived: as a: a fanciful design or invention b: a chimerical or fantastic notion c: fantasia 1 d: imaginative fiction featuring especially strange settings and grotesque characters called also fantasy fiction4: caprice 5: the power or process of creating especially unrealistic or improbable mental images in response to psychological need ; also : a mental image or a series of mental images (as a daydream) so created

I thought no.1 was pretty funny... that might make me remember that fantasizing about my father is like a hallucination and I should give that up... right away!!!
But the last definition, no.5, I think made it clearer to me... unrealistic or improbable... yup, that's my father.

I can see more clearly why they say "Expectations are premeditated resentments" because if an expectation is based on a fantasy (unrealistic or improbable), then it probably will set me up for a disapppointment and I'll be hurt and mad at the one I fantasied about. And worse yet I'm realizing is if I'm doing the fantasizing, then who's really responsible for the hurt to me? ME!

So, the lesson for me in this is to be clear on what my hopes are and keep my expectations in check ... and not to allow myself to fantasize about things or people. Dreams are ok... I think they go along with hope... dreaming about a car, a special wedding dress, a baby, a new place to live, a great job... all ok... fantasizing about my father changing, acting differently than he ever has in the past (e.g sensitive, thoughtful, caring, expressive -- not in his repertoire of skills); it's just not right to fantasize about him being different-- for me or for him. It sets us both up.

I can pray for him however and give my concern for him over to God. I was always concerned about my AH using and hoped he would change his addictive ways... I think that's ok but I have to stop it there. No fantasizing. I realized I can pray for myself -- for grace to deal with him and others like him in ways that are respectful, realistic, and loving.

Anyway, sorry this is so long.. thinking outloud... this has helped me alot... hope it helps you too.
hugs,
Lee Ann

This idea of fantasy/hope/expectation really is true for my experience with my A. You express it well M, but don't get too down on your self for it. I hear a little self blame going on maybe....
I know my A really did a number on my sense of reality because he denied all that I was complaining about in order to maintain his own sense of reality. So if I say this is bad for me and all he says is I am great for you I love you....it leaves me saying...yeah he loves me and I put aside what I was upset about. Then what is real....and what is fantasy...

For me what helped me get to the truth was SPEAKING it....here at first, but then to regular friends in my personal life. I let them know how I was actually being treated...what I really felt like....how he was when he was not the charmer. I can only start to do it now because he is actually gone (one week) and the haze is lifting. He has been sober 7 months, but as I've often heard, it was almost worse with him sober. Awefull!. Anyhow,,,to hear nonA nonAlanon folks respond to me brings a lot of clarity. I allow my self to let go of the shame. And as you say, confront the fantasy.

This may not be what you are talking about exactly, but this is what it brought up for me. You are very brave to confront your fantasies. Here is to loving ourselves enough to tell ourselves the truth...and believing it.