The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
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I am having such a hard time....knowing my ex is out there putting on his fake happy manic self, flirting, living in denial. I feel like suck a sucker for putting up with all I did the past year and a half...it is all coming to me...I feel so taken advantage of.....so cheap...so embarassed. How could I miss someone and love someone who was so mean, and unreliable and unmanagable? Why would it make me feel better if I thought he was crying, feeling remorse, heading to therapy, trying to make things work? I DONT WANT TO BE WITH A JERK....so whay am I mourning. I feel sick and yell at the kids.....then I take a breathe and make plans with a friend and remind myself that what i am doing i have known i had to do for over a year and that it will be better now. One moment at a time right now. Phew...thanks for being here to have a place to vent and to understand. Love Fifi
Hi Fifi, This is my first post, but your message really touched me. I think we mourn what was good in the relationship, because no matter how unmanageable things became, there were times when the relationship was a positive one, possibly in the beginning. I look back (and all of this is new to me - just went to my first Al-Anon meeting last week) and see things that just chiseled away at the respect and caring that we had for one another, and it makes me sad as well. At least for me, one of the things I think about is that I now realize that so much of my time was spent worrying about things I couldn't change, how do I fill my time now? Not sure I have an answer for that, but I do know that it's just one foot in front of the other - like you said - just take a breath and trust in your HP to keep you safe and sane. I'll keep you in my thoughts! MHG
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Vocatus atque non vocatus, Deus aderit ("Bidden or not bidden, God is present") - Erasmus
I completely understand where you are. My AH disappeared last Tuesday and I haven't seen or heard from him since. I am sure he is on a crack binge and honestly, I am not sure how I feel about that. I think, good riddens. But at the same time, feel sad that he is out there, lost in that world.
I look at my life and think to myself....I don't want to be married to this man any more. Yet at the same time, don't want to let go. I think it is b/c we have had such wonderful moments in our lives together. But it seems now that the bad times are more frequent than the good and seem to really outweigh the good 10 fold.
Time to let go and move on. It is tough for me. Not for me but for what it is doing to my kids. It is easier for me to cut him loose than it is for my kids to cut their daddy loose. It is a work in progress and it is time for us to concentrate on the positive and make something good happen to us for now and our future.
I have felt what you are feeling too. It's normal to grieve the end (is it the end?) of a relationship with someone that we love. The anger and resentments and confusions and furies are all part of it. I think we grieve the relationship as it once was or how we wanted it to be. We grieve the person in the same way.
Of course you don't want to be with a jerk.... but it's natural to want to be with the person that we love. Its just that this cunning illness takes it all away from us.
He is gripped by this disease and so will behave in ways that are illogical and unacceptable to you.
I had to learn the hard way to take care of myself, first and foremost. A tough but necessary lesson. One moment at a time as you quite rightly say, babysteps.
Keep venting, keep posting and look after yourself.
FiFi: Please try to be gentle with yourself. We all come to realize the truth of our lives in our own time. It took almost of a year of truly insane behavior and denial (as well as infidelity, broken doors and two black eyes) before I was ready to act--nothing anyone else could have said (and they probably did) could have made me make a decision before I was ready to do so.
This fact is still difficult for me to accept at times. I remind myself that "it is what it is" and that I was doing the best that I could at the time--especially for a then-untreated Al-Anon!!
At the suggestion of my sponsor, I placed myself at the top of my amends list. I am working on really forgiving myself and making amends to myself for all of my insane behavior before I came to Al-Anon. I hurt myself almost as much as my AH did by not taking care of myself and not valuing myself. Of course, what I have learned is that I was an Al-Anon in-the-making long before I met my AH (which is why I picked him) and that my unhealthy behavior pre-dated him. That really ticked me off at first because I really wanted it to be all about him (as usual, I guess)!!
So, each day, I work on making a living amends to myself--I cannot change the past, but I can treat myself differently today and each day thereafter.
Be grateful for where you are today--as someone said in a speaker tape that I listened to, try to "stay where your hands are!!" I hope you have a wonderful, serenity-filled Monday!!
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Do not be anxious about tomorrow; tomorrow will look after itself. The Bible, from Courage to Change, p.138
Fi I honestly believe, until we really believe our A's have a disease we will beat ourselves up for loving them.
Let me put it this way, if your child became sick, came out being horribly aggressive, sometimes nice, but totally unpridictable, wouldn't you always love your child no matter what?
Would you be embarrassed for loving him her? I am sure not.
Our A's are no different. WE love them, usually loving them from when they were well or young.
HE or she is NOT their disease. We love the person, the tortured hurting person. We hate the disease who has taken our loved one.
Most all A's who are in horrible situations, are very nice people. They would never choose to run away from home to use, get dui's, steal lie whatever.
They are sick and driven to horrible symptomes.
We are looking at them, and being so mixed up becuz they are not just one person. So we work on loving the person hating the disease.
However, most all of us cannot handle living with the disease, so then we mourn losing our loved one.
I tell people I am a widow. I do. To some I explain.
trying to think of another analogy.....
Ok we love this person, all of a sudden weird things happen, he/she starts growing these weird bumps, they are hot to the touch.
the bumps turn to daggers, he bumps us, he cannot drive anymore as he gets into accidents, He begins feeling guilty. NOT his fault but he begins getting angry. Then the daggers shoot off this horrible burning sting on others, he begins to be affected in his thinking.
We try and try to love him/her. But he/she is growing sicker and sicker, the disease is hurting everyone around him.
He is so in pain, so angry, bitter, etc that he leaves.
We still feel love for him. we know it was not his fault. Would he choose to grow all this horrible stuff on him that makes him unable to love or think?
Sorta a weird analogy I know.
All I know is I love my A clean to the tips of my toes. I am passed ever him being in my life. Becuz i cannot live with the disease.
I miss him so much, I believe it is what makes me so sick a lot of the time.
I am NOT embarrased or feel like a jerk. HEY I did for awhile. But I am thankfully passed that.
He is sick, to me like a sick puppy I loved that got parvo and started biting.
Sadly I know he will never get better. He is totally in my hp's hands. I never wonder where he is. I never wonder what he is doing. I KNOW he is in love with me in his heart. I know it, just like I know my love for him will never go away.
someday I will meet someone else I hope. But will always have that place he will be.
I don't question why anymore, why do I love him. what do I love about him. I just do. period.
glad you guys come here and vent. we all need that. love,debilyn
I have been in the same place you are. Right now, I am feeling better but the grief and anger were overwhelming at times. All I can tell you for sure is it does get better. It really does. I am at a point where it doesn't matter what he is doing (happy in a new relationship, on a crack binge, whatever) I know I am going to be ok. I have gotten used to what my life is without him. And that was a huge part of it. Just getting used to the change. And figuring out how to deal with the anger. And then....letting it go. My sponser pointed out to me that one of my patterns seemed to be if he was happy, I was miserable, if he was miserable, I was happy. This is the way it has been since we split. Which was my idea. I wanted the divorce. I know it is the best thing for me. But that doesn't mean that it doesn't hurt, that I won't grieve and be angry. Even though it is what we wanted, or what is best doesn't mean that we won't still feel hurt. And that is ok. I know you will be ok, I know this is hard and it hurts. Trust the process and enjoy the good days. My good days are starting to outnumber the bad. I know that might change but for today, all is well.
Fi, I'm right in the middle of it myself. He'd been doing outrageous things for a year and every time he came home and sincerely apologized and tried to fly right I felt relief. I didn't in my heart want to let him go.
But after he went to jail and "the story" came out, things he'd done that the sheriff dept knew about, things other's told me (assuming I knew but did not) something snapped inside me. It's like all the anger and hurt I kept under control erupted. I walked around for a few days muttering "that sonofabitch!", completely taken up by the anger. I wrote stuff in my posts here that shock me with the rage in them. It passed. I'm still angry, but the high drama of the emotion is gone. I expect future "eruptions" as I had to keep so much emotion inside just to cope. Now that he's gone I can 'let it happen', and know it will pass, I don't need to do anything, just let it be.
I admire Deb's outlook on her A, and have told her so. It's given me a workable framework, or context. The man I love is dead, he's gone and I'm letting him go. I have decided I don't want to live with someone who MIGHT do this again, even if he gets serious about recovery. Going back where I was even a month ago is like dipping my big toe into Hell.
I'm listening hard to those who've walked my path before. They tell me above all to take care of myself, be kind to myself when facing hard truths about myself, and keep puttin' one foot in front of the other.
Are you filling up the kiddie pool again today? I think I might drop by :D . It's just too hot here!
Great advice from the Alanoners. We love the person not the disease. My AHsober left 2 years ago and I still grieve for what is lost. I do alot for myself and by myself and it still comes out the same. Why could I miss a man that didn't treat me well? Because, that's why. And my HP will lead me in the right direction.
