The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Ever since I was a kid I had a strong will. If someone said dont touch it I seems I was compelled to touch what ever was forbidden. At the time I was in trouble but it has served me well. I am in the trap of trying to not touch, because I dont want to be in trouble. I seem to be surrounded by people who have had enough of my behavior. What I mean is I am acting on the thoughts of others rather than my own free will. That may be because I stay home too much. That may be because I dont work outside the home. Or that might be because I drink too many diet cokes and smoke too many cigarettes.
I have no support system in place the others in my life would rather stay away than to face the trauma they see in my face.
Starting right now I am gong to focus on my health and well being. I ned guidance and I will reach out to others for help. It will be difficult but I can only change the situation if I change my attitude.
I am glad I found this board. I will join a live or as you say real Al-Anon meeing in my town. I had a brain tumor removed in 04. I am legally blind and I do not drive. I bought a special keyboard. And I can type.
I go back and forth between thinkng my A is evil and thinking the next day that she is a victim. I take her phone calls and try to listen to her. I try to council her but deep inside I am so angry. She has abandoned her 12 year old son with me. When he first came I begged her to let him stay with me. Now I wish he had stayed with her because I feel the very fact that he is safe with me makes me an enabler. I feel like I am going to lose it sometimes. On many occasions I lose my temper and yell at her why dont you get a cab and come to my house. But deep inside I dont want her here. I love the kid but dep inside I dont want him here..
I am home bound I get social security because of my disability. It just barely gives me enough to live well below poverty level. I dont get food stamps because I have never taken legal custody of the kid. Its like I am waiting for this to all go away.
My family has abandoned me.
How can I take big steps and make some changes now, right now ?
Hi Dee, One thing I know that probably we call can relate to is the feeling of needing answers from everyone else. I think many times we feel like we are living through such an unstable relationship that we lose confidence in our ability to know what is best for us anymore. I think this is probably part of the alanon-ness in all of us. I've just found my way back to this board. I am new again and learning, but stronger than the last time. What I believe is that we don't really have to do anything that we don't want to be doing and that includes raising her child if that is not what you want. There are other services for children in need and maybe you'd feel less stifled helping that child to find a more stable home and just being their adult mentor or friend who visits them often. You have options.
The crazy unstable story of loving an alchoholic is difficult. This has led me to my decision to separate from my A husband. What I have learned so far and continue to learn is that I have options. There are always options and I have a right to a peaceful and serene life. You do too.
The face to face meetings helped me immensely and if you can find a way to get there, you may find they will help you too!
thanks for sharing, you are not alone. There are many people here with excellent experience, strength and hope to share.
Sorry about all you are going through. I am sure it is not easy and I will pray for you.
One very important that I have learned with my A son is to STOP THE COUNCELING. It does not work. Detachment works much better. The less I allow myself to know what is going on in his life the better off I am. It is very hard to not want to know so that you can jump right in there and try to fix things. I am still struggling with helping my A son financially but I have detached in many other ways. This one is hard because it is not due to legal troubles but more with living day to day. I do know that this has to stop also if I am to see him reach his bottom.
I remember feeling this same way a couple years ago.....now it is only on occasion and I use my skills to deal with it. Someone once made an anolgy of what I was doing and it made sense. They said.....Ask yourself..."what are you feeling?" It was usually anger with me. Then they had me draw a line on a paper, just straight across (my water line), then they had me draw an iceberg, some of it above the water line the rest below. On the part above I placed the word anger, below the line I placed other emotions I was feeling, maybe frustration, loneliness, hurt, tireness, etc. After a while I realized that I usually wasn't angry.....now the next step I learned was once I identified my true feelings to actually feel them....they are just feelings, go through the emotion and move on..... Hope this helps....be gentle with yourself. Hugs Mar
Hi Dee.... please don't think of yourself as an "enabler" for the fact that you are taking responsibility, and giving your 12-year old grandson a safe place to live. He would NOT be safe in the environment of an active A mother, and he sounds very fortunate to have you. The definition of enabling is "doing something for the A that they could do for themselves, to the detriment of yourself". Your daughter, while she is active, is NOT capable of raising her child, and appears to have proven that over and over again.
Just my two cents. Take care Tom
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"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
mom73, I wish I could get this type larger, for me and you both. One day at a time...that's how this program works and I'm betting it will work for you.
