The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
if in the evenings after the kids went to bed we could sit on the couch and watch a movie with our spouse and maybe enjoy a glass of wine. Instead of hearing the sound of the 5th beer crack open the minute you walk upstairs to put the kids to bed. I wonder if people realize how lucky they are.
Thank you for reminding me of how lucky I (and my husband) am. My husband is sober 3 years and 3 months and we CAN do just that, when he's not working. He never drank at home, so I never experienced hearing that crack of the can of beer opening. I only could wonder WHERE he was or WHAT he was doing, as I could never seem to get him on his cell.
I AM thankful, and pray daily that he continues on his path of sobriety.
My husband very seldom got nasty if he was drinking at home, he would just keep a "maintainence" beer going at all times. So, even when he was drinking, if I wanted to watch a movie with him in the evenings, I could.
When he was out at the bar it was sometimes a different story, though I eventually learned that I could enjoy those evenings alone at home too, rather than sitting by the window crying. Knitted myself a beautiful sweater, one winter when he was seldom home....
Hubby and I often sit on the sofa and watch a movie after I put the baby to bed (and only when he's sober, I can't stand watching films with him when he's drinking because he talks all through it - but he "only" drinks every few months, so we get plenty of movies in) - but we would never be able to have a relaxing glass of wine together. I have more or less given up drinking at all because of him - it doesn't matter to me and why create another trigger - but occasionally I would love to just have a glass of really good wine like I used to before I met him.
And looking at the bigger picture - which is what I think you're getting at - it *is* a shame. My friends who are able to go to out with their spouses on the weekends to a bar and have a couple of drinks, or share a bottle of plonk over dinner, don't realise how lucky they are. Not only because it can be nice to get a little tipsy with your SO and be silly and happy together while out for the evening - but also because alcohol just isn't an issue in their lives at all, and probably never will be. And becasue it's not an issue they just don't understand how much we would give to have the feeling of stability and security that they have, even just for a little while.
Carful there Nagal! My wife might (she has thought of it before but has chosen not to) enjoy a glass of wine. She would not enjoy the movie for long if I was trying to enjoy a glass of wine with her. One glass is not enough and two is far too many for this alcoholic. I can remember enjoying drinking a certain wine soooo much that I literally bought out the county of it. 1973 Mirrasou Chinen Blanc, 5 star award winner and I was too into enjoying that rather than watching a movie. As a recovering person there is no way I can attempt it. For me drinking is a compulsion of the mind that has never gone away in the 28+ years I have abandoned drinking. It is an alergy of the body...when I drank there was very little in my life I could hold on to.
Learn as much as you can about alcoholism...cunning - powerful and baffling.
Keep coming back. (((((hugs)))))
ps. The drinks look different and their not. The difference is in the mind, the sameness is in the alcohol the outcome is usually sobriety, insanity or death. Just some esh.
I just re-read your post, and I apparently missed the part about siting together having a glass of wine with the movie. I did want to clarify that my husband and I don't do that, we only watch the movie together. For my sober A, one drink is too many, a thousand is not enough.
I want to clarify my post.. with the "glass of wine" part - I just mean that I wish it was not an ISSUE.. that by me having a glass of wine I didn't validate the 10 drinks that he has etc... that we could just be "normal" about it. BUT - I would gladly NEVER look at another glass of wine if it meant just being able to watch a movie with a sober h.
My AH and I have enjoyed many movies together, but not when he was drinking. He'd be on the back porch talking on the phone, or getting high, listening to music. Now he's either at a meeting or out playing music. We do enjoy at least one movie a week now, but honestly I enjoy watching a good movie on my own too. I also used to feel that same feeling of wishing I could just enjoy one glass of wine with him without it sparking up a night of "drink fest", but that never happened. So I had to accept that and I did not drink in the home while he was drinking and now that he's sober I don't drink either. Its just better for us that way. You will find a happy medium in enjoying his time when you can. Keep working it.
Peace, Twinmom~
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"The people who don't mind matter and the people who mind, don't matter". (Dr. Seuss)
I think this is an area of wariness, as I'm trying not to read too much into, or interpret your post for anything more than a wish that things were different..... But from my own experience, I certainly tried to "curb" my wife's drinking.... tried to get her to "drink responsibly", etc. What it really did was NOT respect the alcoholism for the insidious disease that it really is, and the extent that it had a hold of her.
The reality is that A's cannot drink responsibly.... I loved Jerry's line - one drink is not nearly enough, and two is way too many....
Take care Tom
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"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
I have also learned in Al-Anon that sometimes I was comparing my insides to other peoples outsides.
Just because others looked like they were happy and content didn't necessarily mean that life was "normal" and happy for them - We don't always know what goes on behind closed doors.
I can understand how we wish that our lives could be without the drama of alcoholism, I too had a weekend that I wish could have been without some of those events. But I can still do those things which are good for me. I can still take care of myself and watch a movie if I want - read a good book, relax with a good friend and enjoy a peaceful moment away from the chaos.
But I have come to accept that this is the life my HP wants me to walk - I may not like it, it may have twist and turns that are not exactly to my liking, but it is MY life. Rather than spend my days wishing I could be like Mary, Sue, or Jane - I will concentrate on accepting my life on life's terms.
This is my goal for each and every day - doesn't always work that way - but it is a goal that I work toward - Trying not to compare my insides to others outsides.
Just my opinion - my e,s, & h, - Please take what you like & leave the rest,
Wishing you Serenity & joy, Rita
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No matter what me and my God are going to be ok, even better than OK -
I've been thinking a lot about this thread, and one thing that strikes me is - "accept the things I cannot change".
Yes, it would be nice to be 'normal', just do the things that normal people do together. However, it just ain't gonna happen, if you are married to an A. Just as, if you were married to someone in a wheelchair, you couldn't have those long romantic walks on the beach.....
Ultimately, those who have chosen to keep the A in their lives have done just that - chosen. If the things that we miss, and the things that we envy of others, were that important to us, we could have left, and pursued them with someone else. If we decide to stay in a relationship with an A, we have decided to take the bad with the good. I know it doesn't always look that way - that we sometimes feel trapped, and that there ARE no choices, but that is not reality. We always have choices, we just need to accept that they have consequences, and that there may not be a 'perfect' choice.
I am so amazed and thankful for all the thought provoking and thoughtful posts to this message. I really appreciate getting other thoughts on this "simple" idea. Thank you all so much for taking the time to respond. I really have a lot to think about.
